South Beach Comedy Festival - Comedian Roundtable - Tiger Woods

Season 1 02/02/10 Views: 48,534

The comics marvel at the hilarity of Tiger Woods' various ill-timed ad campaigns. (3:24)

[music playing]

-Can we get some coffee, please?

[laughter]

-The funniest, uh, wording in acommercial ever is for Extends.

Because they neveractually say that

it makes your wiener bigger.

-Right, because they can't.

-You know, they'realways like, it

makes you biggerin that fun place.

-Right.

-And it's like, where is fun?

NATASHA LEGGERO: I likethe Tiger Woods' one

that was like for Tag Heuer,or whatever that watch is.

And it's just like,do you have integrity?

And it's like-- itwas like on Wilshere,

like, because it was from like--

-It just says, doyou have integrity?

-It's like do you have-- do youhave, like, what counts inside?

Or like something,like, really like--

it was like selling, like--

JOE MANDE: Areyou a good person?

-Yeah, it was like that.

-The new fragrancefrom Paris Hilton.

-The new Tiger Woods,Loyalty, by Tiger.

[laughter]

-And then he hadthe, is it in you?

-Right.

His Gatorade flavor was calledFocus, which kind of works.

He was focused.

-I want a Gatorade flavor.

-I feel bad for the dude.

NATASHA LEGGERO: You knowwho I don't feel bad for?

All those tramps that aregoing to have their own TV

show next season.

JOE MANDE: Yeah.

-All those girls arejust capitalizing--

-Bringing tramps back?

- -- being a tramp.

That's what you call them.

They're like golf course tramps.

-Oh course.

I totally agree.

-They're kind of haggardand they're just kind

of like coming forwardlike they're all noble.

-Yeah, I'm a tramp.

What of it?

Give me a cigarette.

-I can't contain it any longer.

I, too, have--

-Yeah.

Give me a scotchand a cigarette.

-I know.

They act like victims.

-They-- they do.

Uh, I, too, have been avictim of Tiger Woods' penis.

And as painful as it is forme and the other strippers

at Spearmint Rhino,I'm going to go through

with the book dealat Random House.

-I know.And they're like crying.

-No pictures, please.

-Yeah.

-What a scoop!

-It's very sad.

-Is that a tramp?

-Tiger Woods-- what elsecould you call them?

-Over here, please, tramp.

-No, because youcan't call them sluts.

That's too mean.

-No, I'm with you.

I'm applauding.

-I call them modern women.

-Golf course tramps.

They're like ex waitressesand they're like VIP now.

-You don't think Tiger's wifeknew what she was getting into?

Like, there's no wayhis behavior didn't

scream, like,banging waitresses.

-With all thatputting in silence.

-It's an arrangement.

I just don't thinkit's a real marriage.

-Look at how quiet he hisout there on the green.

He's probably banginga bunch of people.

-No.

But he's like, oh, yeah.

Hang on a second, honey.

It's 4:00 in the morning,my buddy needs me.

NATASHA LEGGERO: No.

But he's always on the road.

-That's probably what he said.

He was like, uh, night golf.

It's a new thing.

I don't know.

I have to go.

My caddy needs assistance.

-Again?

-Like one affair, twowomen, maybe three.

If you have 15 womengoing, a chick knows.

-Well, you're just a sex addict.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, a womenhas to know that.

-She had to know going in.

-Because he's probablynot having sex with her.

-Why did she have to know?

He's a golfer.

Like, I know-- youknow what I mean?

-What's that?

-He's a professional golfer.

I would trust most golfers.

-He's a billionaire pro athlete.

-Really?

You have faith in golfers?

-It's the money factor.

Once you make enoughmoney, you can have anyone.

It's like, I mean, he's asex addict, yes, supposedly.

-Try to say apersonality billionaire,

pro athlete, always on the run.

That screams fidelity.

-They say, tell me ifthis is true, Owen.

That a man is asfaithful as his options.

-That's not true.

-I can't believewe agree on that.

[laughs loudly]

-Well, you canalways pay for it.

-This is the first thingthey've agreed on all weekend.

-What are the chances?

I thought for sure you weregoing to use party as a verb

and argue with herfor 10 mintues.

And both of us werelike, that's not true.

It's very sexy to becommitted to your woman.

[music playing]

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