CONSERVATIVE NOW.
I'M GETTING CONSERVATIVE.
I SIT AT HOME.
I THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH SEX
ON TV.
THERE'S SEX IN COMMERCIALS NOW.
COMMERCIALS USED TO BE
WHOLESOME.
NOW YOU GOT THAT WOMAN WASHING
HER HAIR--
[MOANING]
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T NEED THAT IN MY SHAMPOO.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
THERE'S A COMMERCIAL ON TV.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN
THIS.
THERE'S A WOMAN SHE'S PUTTING UP
WALLPAPER.
HER HUSBAND COMES HOME SHE SAYS,
"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS
COLOR?
HE SAYS, "I THINK IT'S UGLY."
SHE GOES, "I THINK YOU'RE UGLY."
[LAUGHTER]
I SAID WHAT THE HELL'S THAT FOR?
AND THEN THE VOICEOVER COMES IN.
IT'S THIS SEXY, FEMALE
VOICEOVER.
SHE COMES IN WITH A DEEP,
SEXY VOICE.
SHE SAYS, "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL
TO PHILADELPHIA."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S AN AD FOR PHILADELPHIA.
AND IT SHOW'S THE COUPLE.
THEY'RE IN LOVE AT THE END OF
THE COMMERCIAL.
AND THE WOMAN COMES IN WITH THAT
SEXY VOICE AGAIN.
SHE'S SAYS "PHILADELPHIA.
FIND A MORE PERFECT UNION."
[LAUGHTER]
DID YOU CATCH THAT?
THAT'S A PHRASE FROM THE
CONSTITUTION.
CONSTITUTION SIGNED IN
PHILADELPHIA.
THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE THE
CONSTITUTION SEXY?
THAT'S WRONG.
THEN THERE'S ANOTHER AD FOR
PHILADELPHIA, SAME THING.
THE COUPLE'S IN LOVE AT THE END.
WOMAN COMES IN WITH THAT SEXY
VOICE AT THE END OF THE
COMMERCIAL.
SHE SAYS, "PHILADELPHIA.
THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS."
ANOTHER PHRASE FROM THE
CONSTITUTION.
WHAT IF THEY KEEP THIS CAMPAIGN
UP?
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO THROUGH
THE CONSTITUTION LINE BY LINE.
SO I WENT THROUGH THE
CONSTITUTION LINE BY LINE.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
I FOUND PHRASES THAT COULD
DOUBLE AS PHILADELPHIA'S SLOGAN.
"PHILADELPHIA.
CALL TOGETHER LEGISLATIVE BODIES
AT PLACES UNUSUAL."
[LAUGHTER]
"PHILADELPHIA.
DO ALL OTHER ACTS AND THINGS
THAT INDEPENDENT STATES MAY DO."
[LAUGHTER]
"PHILADELPHIA.
ABSOLVING THE MANLY FIRMNESS OF
HIS INVASIONS ON THE RIGHTS
OF THE PEOPLE!"
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]
ACTUALLY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS.
BUT I JUST HAD TO READ THAT
'CAUSE I WANNA KNOW WHAT
FOUNDING FATHER WROTE "MANLY
FIRMNESS OF HIS INVASIONS."
THAT WAS THE FRISKY FOUNDING
FATHER, RIGHT?
[CHEER AND APPLAUSE]
THIS SHOULD BE THE SLOGAN FOR
PHILADELPHIA.
"PHILADELPHIA.
BECAUSE ALL MEN ARE ENDOWED BY
THEIR CREATOR."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU WERE GREAT.
THANKS A LOT, FOLKS.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
COMEDY CENTRAL.
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