Daniel Tosh - Febreezing the Homeless

Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Season 1, Ep 101 03/06/2011 Views: 76,565

Although some people don't know it, Daniel Tosh has his own special kind of charity. (2:23)

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PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME I'MA BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL.

WHAT?

I'M CONSERVATIVEON ALMOST ALL THE KEY ISSUES.

I HATE THE POOR.

I'VE SAID THAT FOREVER.

"WE NEED HELP."YEAH, WE'VE HEARD.

AND SOME OF YOU KNOWI HAVE A CHARITY,

BUT I DID THATFOR TAX PURPOSES.

IF YOU'RE NOTFAMILIAR WITH IT,

IT'S CALLEDFEBREEZING THE HOMELESS.

[laughter]

NO, IT'S NOTWHAT SOME OF YOU THINK.

WHAT I DO, I GO AROUND,AND I FEBREEZE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

IS THAT WHATYOU THOUGHT IT WAS?

WELL, THIS ISN'T A GAME SHOW.

IT'S NICE.WHO WOULD YOU GIVE A DOLLAR TO?

THE GUY THAT SMELLSLIKE LIQUID GARBAGE

OR OCEAN BREEZE?

IT'S A NO-BRAINER.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT RAINON NUMBER TWO.

MAKE IT RAIN.

"THANK YOU, RAP COMMUNITY,FOR CONTINUING

TO KEEP WOMENIN THEIR PLACE,"

HE SAID WITH HEAVY SARCASM.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW, IT'S WHENYOU THROW CASH ON THE HOS.

I CAME UPWITH MY OWN EXPRESSION.

I LIKE TO MAKE IT HAIL.

YEAH, THAT'S WHEN YOUTHROW CHANGE ON SLUTS.

[imitates whooshing]

"OW!

ARE THOSE NICKELS?"

"YEAH.IT'S A DOWN ECONOMY.

I'M A BALLERON A BUDGET, BITCH."

YOU SEE THAT?YOU SEE THAT?

KEEP AN OPEN HAND.THAT'LL KEEP YOU OUT OF PRISON.

I DON'T KNOWIF THAT'S TRUE...

JUST IN CASEANYBODY GOES HOME TONIGHT

AND DECIDES TO BEATTHE [bleep] OUT OF THEIR--

"I KEPT AN OPEN HAND.

YOUR HONOR,THE COMEDIAN CLEARLY STATED..."

SOME ISSUESI GO A LITTLE LEFT ON.

I HEART ABORTION.FINE.

WHERE'S THAT T-SHIRT,URBAN OUTFITTERS?

I'LL BUY ONE.

LARGE, PRESHRUNK,COTTON-POLY BLEND,

OVERPRICED,BUT VERY SOFT.

JUST SAYS "I HEART ABORTION."

NOT A REGULAR HEART,AN UNBORN FETUS HEART

THAT HAS BEEN VACUUMED OUT.

LOOK AT IT.

WHAT, IT'S OKAY FOR THEMTO STICK IT ON A POSTER BOARD,

SHOVE IT INTO SOME KID'S FACE

THAT'S MAKINGTHE TOUGHEST DECISION

OF HER LIFE,BUT I EMBRACE IT

AND I'M THE A-HOLE?GOT IT.

WHAT'S THE BACKOF THE SHIRT SAY?

"PROBLEM SOLVED."