Herpes Scare

Season 2, Ep 1 04/01/2014 Views: 86,920

Amy tries to make a deal with God to protect her from getting an STD. (4:21)


(phone ringing)

Mm, hey butthole,what's up?

Girl, did Bobby Skeltisever end up letting

you have sex with him?

Why? No.

Okay good, Laura justtold me he has herpes.



Well, no, that is a big reliefbecause no, I did not.

Okay, no, I just wantedto let you know.

Oh my God,oh no, no, no!

My God, no!

Please, God, let me nothave herpes, please!

Well, well, well.

Look who it is.


Do you remember when the lasttime I heard from you was?

It was probably pretty recentlywhen my friend Tig got cancer.

Pretty sureI reached out then.

No, it was seven years agowhen you were rooting for

the Green Knightat Medieval Times.


Well, God, thank you so muchfor coming through for me

that night.(man)You're welcome.

This guy, Bobby Skeltis,that you slept with?

What are you doing?

I know, I know.

I can do so much better,you're right.

I didn't say that.


You know, 70% of peoplewho reach out to me

are havinga herpes scare.

Why shouldI help you?Okay.

That's a fair question.Yeah.


Um, so I'm kind of like,a public figure now.

Mm.Like a role model?

So if some young girl saw mebuying Valtrex or something,

it would be like, a thing.Right.

A thing, hmm.

Like that earthquakein Peru yesterday

that killed9,000 people.

Oh my God, I hopeno one was hurt.

Oh, gosh.

I really need to stopmaking so many white girls.

Let me be honestwith you, okay?

You did get herpes,you already have it.


Now for me toundo your herpes,

I have to create balance inthe universe, you understand?


I'd have to kill off an entirevillage in Uzbekistan.

Yeah, whateveryou think is best.

Do it.You'll also have tosacrifice something.

Oh my God, name it.


You need to stopdrinking.Pass.

How about stopusing hair spray?

The aerosol is very badfor the environment.

Could I justlike, blow you?

I'm gay.

So?Jesus Christ.

How about you justcall your mother

a little bitmore often?

That's an easy one.

Mmm... what isherpes exactly?

It's an outbreak,like, once a year?

Yeah.I don't know.

I think I'lljust take it.Okay, fine.

Fine, herpes it is.

Now don't forget to call allthe men that you've slept with.

It's the moralthing to do, right?

Oh my God, of course.



I can see everything.

What? Oh now?

You want me todo it now?Yes!

Okay, well, you weren'tclear about that.

I'll do itright now.Sor-ee.

I'm sorry,I'll do it now.

Boop boop boop.

Boop boop...

♪ Jeans intojean shorts ♪


I'm sorry you changed seasonsand now I need jean shorts.

This one's on you.Just call them.


Fine, I'll do it.

Gimme the phone.


(Amy's voice)Hi, Mike, it's Amy.

Schumer.I don't talklike that.

Uh, yeah, we met onChristmas at the

Boston Market and hadsex after two beers?


You have herpesbecause I have herpes.


Did he sound like he was atall psyched to hear from me,

like what was his vibe?You're the(bleep) worst.

Wow.Oh, no?