Reno Collier - Used to Teach

Borelli, Matthews, Vernekoff, Collier Season 6, Ep 607 11/23/2002 Views: 6,975

Reno Collier decided to quit teaching and keep drinking. (2:31)

DAY OF MY LIFE.

I'M IN NEW YORK CITY.

I WAS IN A PIZZA PLACE TODAY.

I SAW SCOTT BAIO.

THAT DUDE CAN COOK.

THAT'S FUNNY TO ME.

I SHOULDN'T BE UP HERE MAKING

FUN.

THE WORLD'S IN TURMOIL.

PEOPLE ARE AT WAR.

THEM PALESTINIANS ARE ATTACKING

ISRAEL.

PALESTINIANS BETTER BE CAREFUL,

MAN, BECAUSE IF I KNOW ISRAEL

LIKE I THINK I DO, THEY'RE GONNA

SUE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST PLAYING.

COME ON, NOW.

DON'T DO DRUGS.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, I DON'T CARE.

BUT I WANNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

WHILE I'M ON TV AND EVERYTHING,

DRUGS ARE A LIE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER HEARD

OF GHB, THEY CALL IT THE DATE

RAPE DRUG.

I DRINK THAT CRAP ALL THE TIME

AND I NEVER GET LAID.

IT DON'T WORK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ANYWAY, I USED TO TEACH SCHOOL

BEFORE I DID THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY'RE YOUR DAMN KIDS.

I DON'T CARE.

YOU'RE LAUGHING AT THE WRONG

STUFF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I TAUGHT PE AND IT WAS HOT.

I HAD TO BE OUTSIDE LIKE ALL DAY

LONG.

AND I LIKE TO GO OUT AND DRINK

AT NIGHT AND STUFF.

YOU KNOW, BUT I HAD TO STAND

OUTSIDE IN THE SUN, I'D BE

SWEATING LIKE CRAZY.

THESE DAMN LITTLE KIDS RUNNING

UP TO ME.

(SNIFFS)

"YOU SMELL LIKE MY DAD."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, YOUR DAD'S AN ALCOHOLIC."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW?

"HERE, DO A SHOT, IT'S

HEREDITARY."

YEE-HA!

BUT I HAD TO QUIT.

NOT DRINKING, TEACHING.

I DID.

AND THE REASON IS,

IS BECAUSE I COULDN'T LIE.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU TEACH SCHOOL,

YOU BETTER BE ABLE TO LIE,

BECAUSE THOSE PARENTS GET REAL

MAD AT YOU, YOU KNOW?

THEY COME IN, THEY'RE LIKE,

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY BOBBY

DOESN'T DO GOOD IN DODGE BALL."

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE, "'CAUSE BOBBY

DOESN'T APPLY HIMSELF."

BUT YOU'RE THINKING, "'CAUSE

BOBBY'S A FRUITY LITTLE BASTARD

AND HE THROWS LIKE THIS.

THAT'S WHY."

YOU KNOW, LOOK AT HIS DAD,

THAT AIN'T MY FAULT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY ALWAYS TRY TO BLAME THE

TEACHERS BECAUSE THE KIDS ARE

FREAKS.