The U

  • Season 2 , Ep 4
  • 04/22/2014
  • Views: 24,559

Amy checks into a hotel that treats its guests like gods -- until the moment they check out. (4:19)

Welcome to the U.

I would love so muchto help you today.

I'm checking in.

That would bemy great pleasure.

May I offer you a kumquatand elderflower julep?

Yeah.Thank you.

No, thank you,really.

This is a lot nicer thanthe hotels I usually stay at.

I'm just in town for workfor the night.

Oh, I'm so happy you feltcomfortable enough

to share that with me.

What name wouldthe reservation be under?

Amy Schumer.

Of course.Perfect.

My parentsalmost named me Amy,

but I didn't deserve it.

(gasps) You pickeda great weekend to be here.

Willow Nolte is guest dee-jayingin the lobby tonight.

Nick Nolte's stepdaughter.

Wow.

Here's your room key.

Check-out is at 11:00,

and now I'll show youto your room.

You're an angeland it's my great honor

to breathe the same airas you.

Now, this is Soak,our pool experience.

Over here, we have Splay,our lounge area.

Oh, no.

Oh, I would havehad more of that.

And right here is Soar,

which will take usto your room.

Oh, I love your shoes.

Everything about youis just so on point.

Thank you.

I love rollingthis bag around.

'Cause it's yours.

Welcome home.

This is huge.

You could fitthree people in here.

This is too fancyfor me.

No, don't say that.No.

This is all about you.

You deserve this.

You make Kate Middleton looklike a mental patient

(bleep) herselfin a rusty wheelchair.

Right this way.

All of our water is pumped infrom virginal koi ponds

where two beautifulswans are making love

for the first time.

Our ceramic sustainableinfinity toilet

has an orgasmevery time you flush.

(toilet) Oh, yes!

I never have to fake it with you, Amy.

You look radiant.

Take a look at yourselfin the mirror.

See what I see.

Wait, why is it--

Why aren't youin the mirror?

Oh, it doesn't reflectthe staff.

We're nothing.I'm (bleep).

Look at me running my mouth offlike a stupid dumb bitch.

Anyway,you must be exhausted.

I'll leave you alone.

Okay.

(sighs)

Hello, angel.Oh, my God.

Can I tuck you in?

Uh, you don't have to--

Oh, I want to.

Oh.

Now, would you liketo be awakened

by a soft kiss on the cheek ora stranger going down on you?

Oh,I don't kn-- know.

I guess the latter?

Okay, we can just feel itout in the moment then.

Is there anything elseI can do for you?

Anything?

Um, well, I hate to ask,

but I usually sleep witha white noise machine--

Shh...

I really prefer--

Whale noises?

That's my specialty.

(imitates whale)

We have standards, guys.What do we serve stuff in?

Glassware, correct?

Wouldn't it be better to serve-- No red cups, come on!

(knock on door)

(woman)Housekeeping.

I'll be outin a minute!

Chop, chop!

(man on TV) So what's going on in the bar right now?

Are they out of glassware?

(sighs)Good morning.

Late check-out?

Is it?

It's after 11:00.

I'm going to have tocharge you for another day.

It's like five after.

Should I just leave thatall on the Visa?

It's me.

All on the Visa,ma'am?

Yeah, I guess--

This woman is no longera guest at the hotel.

She's done.She's done talking to you.

This way, ma'am.She's done.

Oh, no, no, I think shejust didn't recognize me.

Wait, let me just...

Hi, I'm checking in.

Ooh, I lovethat scarf.

Is that Egyptian silk?

Everything about youis just so on point.

Wait, it's me!It's me!

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