Sometimes I feel like I'mtrying to get fat.
Last night, I was eatinga pint of ice cream,
and I finished it,because I'm American, all right?
I took off the lid,and I threw it away,
'cause I'm nota quitter, everyone.
And because I careabout the environment.
I was conserving energyby not refreezing it.
Of course it was at night.
You ever eat ice creamduring the day?
You're like, what are we--six years old?
Did we just getour tonsils out?
Why are there peoplearound me?
Shouldn't I be alonewatching Lifetime?
Those hoarders, those arethe ones with the problem.
I was eating a pint of ice creamin sweatpants, like a man.
My wife came in the room,and she was like,
"Jim, are you gonna eatan entire pint
of ice cream by yourself?"
And I was like, "Hopefully.
Unless you selfishlywant a bite."
"Jim, you havea nine-year-old daughter.
Don't you want to beat her wedding?"
"Not really. No.
"Wait, is there gonna beice cream at her wedding?
Because if you promise--I still don't want to go."
How would attending a wedding--Why would that be an incentive?
It's like, "Don't you die!
"In 18 years, there's an awkwardparty you have to pay for!
And we need youto write a check."
No, I understand weddingsare an important event
where we spend a lot of moneyso that the bride
can pretend to be a princess!
And marry her princeand live happily ever after
because magic exists.
[laughs]And we're a bunch of weirdos.
Weddings are kind of weird.I mean, what's the logic?
It's like,"Well, we love each other.
"Why don't we pretendwe have a kingdom?
"We'll invite your parents'friends and my parents' friends,
"and we'll have a banquet.
"And the two kingdomsshall come together as one.
"And we can start our marriedlife with a total fantasy
before we go on a completelyunjustified vacation."
It's strange, right?
I mean, weddings started off
as these crude,medieval ceremonies
where women, daughters,were exchanged as property.
Yet over the courseof centuries, they got worse.
That's whypeople cry at weddings.
"I can't believe we're stillwasting money on this."
Whenever I see someonecrying at a wedding,
I always say, "Don't worry.It probably won't work out."
It is nice to be invitedto a wedding,
but you always lookat that invitation
like,"Ah, this is gonna cost me.
"Oh, good.It's out of town.
Wouldn't want to use thosevacation days for vacationing."
And you can tell how mucha wedding's gonna cost you
by the typeof invitation you receive.
You're like, "[gasps] Oh, no.This one's made of baby skin."
And that fontand the language on that.
"The honorable king slayercordially invites you
"to the marriageof his 40-year-old daughter
"to her live-in boyfriendof 12 years.
Bring thy wallet."
Because you have to getthe newlyweds a gift
because they've done nothing!
So you go to the registry.
The registry,which is a nice way of saying,
"You don't haveto get us anything.
But when you do, make sureit's one of these things."
You ever go to the registrylate, and you're like,
"Aw, the only thing leftis a fork for $300.
"I guess we'll bethe fork friends.
We'll get them the fork."
My wife had us registerfor fine china
because you never knowwhen the Pope's gonna swing by
and want a microwaved hot dogon a $200 plate.
My parents--growing up,my parents had fine china
that you couldn't even putin the dishwasher.
"[gasps]Don't get that wet.
"You need to clean itwith a kitten.
It needs to bea white kitten."
At most weddings, the guestsreceive a gift, right?
Sometimes it's, like, a bagof almonds covered in candy.
Thanks.I guess we're even...
since you got mea bag of nuts.
"Feel free to takethe centerpiece."
Sure you don't want usto bus some tables?
Uh, I didn't bring a broom,but I could sweep.
It's not always, like, nuts.
Sometimes the gift is,like, a knickknack
or a Happy Meal toykind of thing.
The last wedding we were at,everyone at the wedding
got a wine stopperfilled with sand
because the themeof the wedding was waste.
I got in trouble when I askedthe bride--I was like,
"At what point are we supposedto jab this in our throat?
During the first dance?"
I do find it fascinating.
There's always a drunk personat a wedding, right?
And I think it's becausethere's so many awkward moments.
Like that receiving lineas a guest?
I never know what to sayto those people.
I always feel likeI've just seen a friend
in a play or something.
"That was great.You were great up there.
"What you said.I like this program.
"Well, I'm gonna lieto someone else now.
"You were good too.You're the grandma.
"We got them the fork.
Is the bar open?"
Some of thosewedding rituals--
have you beento one of the weddings
where the groom removesthe garter belt from the bride
and flings itto a crowd of perverts?
Because he cherisheshis br--what?
Who came up with that one?
Hey, you know how the bridethrows the bouquet?
How 'bout somethingfor the fellas?
Maybe the bride's underwear?
What happensto that garter belt?
Oh, I have itin a very special place.
It's in a room coveredwith photographs of the bride.
And there's candlesand fried bread everywhere.