WORLD, RIGHT, LESS WAR?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT GOD BLESS OUR SOLDIERS
FIGHTING FOR US 'CAUSE I'LL
TELL YOU RIGHT NOW I COULD
NEVER GO TO WAR MYSELF.
I'M SUCH A WOOS.
IF I EVER GOT CAUGHT I WOULD
BE THE WORST POW.
[FOREIGN ACCENT] "YOU WILL
TELL US WHERE THE SECRET
LOCATION IS."
"HEY, I'M NOT TELLING YOU GUYS
ANYTHING."
"THESE ARE THE EXACT
COORDINATES RIGHT HERE AND
WILL YOU GUYS BE NEEDING ANY
ORAL SEX WHILE I'M HERE?"
[LAUGHTER]
BUT WE CAUGHT THAT SADDAM.
THAT'S GOOD RIGHT?
YEAH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE WAS LOOKING GOOD WHEN WE
GOT HIM.
I THOUGHT THEY PULLED SANTA
OUT OF A CRACK HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THEY STILL WANT HIM TO
MAKE A STATEMENT OF SURRENDER
BACK TO IRAQ.
IMAGINE THE AMERICAN INFLUENCE
ON THAT STATEMENT.
WE'LL PROBABLY HAVE PRODUCT
PLACEMENT IN THERE BECAUSE
WE'RE SUCH CAPITALISTIC PIGS.
[FOREIGN ACCENT] "PEOPLE OF
IRAQ, SURRENDER YOUR ARMS.
I'VE BEEN CAPTURED, THE COUNTRY
IS IN FIRE AND RUIN BUT THERE
IS SOME POSITIVE NEWS.
THANKS TO GEIKO, I AM GETTING
A HUGE BREAK ON MY CAR
INSURANCE."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT DID YOU GUYS SEE THE FIRST
GUY THEY WANTED TO PUT IN
THERE IN THE INTERIM GOVERNMENT
AFTER SADDAM?
YOU KNOW WHAT THE FIRST GUY'S
NAME WAS?
DR. HUSSEIN AL SHARISTARY.
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT
HUSSEIN IS NOT THE NEW GUYS
NAME?
IMAGINE AFTER WORLD WAR II,
SO ENDS THE HORRIBLE REGIME OF
ADOLF HITLER.
HIS SUCCESSOR, ADOLF SCMITLER...
[LAUGHTER]
BEST KNOWN FOR HIS BOUT WITH
BRONCHITIS NOVEL, "MY COUGH"...
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
WILL TAKE OFFICE NEXT WEEK.
BUSH IS DOING HIS BEST...
YOU KNOW IT'S HARD TO WATCH
PRESIDENT BUSH SPEAK THOUGH,
ISN'T IT?
ISN'T IT HARD?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S TRYING TO
READ OFF OF THAT TELEPROMPTER
AND INSERT THE APPROPRIATE
FACIAL EXPRESSION INTO EACH
LINE.
YOU SEE HIM TRYING TO BALANCE
THAT?
HE'S LIKE "THE PEOPLE OF
ERA-Q ARE FREE."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
A LOT OF THESE COUNTRIES DON'T
LIKE US.
IT'S NOT JUST THE MIDDLE EAST,
WHO ELSE?
WE DROPPED THOSE BOMBS ON JAPAN
NOW THEY'RE USING THEIR SUPER
HOT DOG EATING POWERS AGAINST
US, HOW ANNOYING IS THAT?
[LAUGHTER]
AND RUSSIA NEVER LIKED US,
BUT WHO CARES, WHAT DID RUSSIA
EVER GIVE US, THAT STINKING
DRESSING?
WE HAD KETCHUP AND MAYONNAISE
THE WHOLE TIME PEOPLE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BUT I'LL TELL YOU I WENT OUT
WITH A RUSSIAN GIRL.
THEY'RE ALWAYS TOUTING HOW MUCH
BETTER THEIR COUNTRY IS,
MEANWHILE THEY'RE LIVING HERE.
HOW ANNOYING IS THAT?
SHE WAS LIKE "RUSSIA'S BETTER
'CAUSE YOU AMERICAN'S ARE
BLAH BLAH BLAH AND RUSSIA'S
VEH VEH VEH..."
"YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T
YOU GO BACK TO RUSSIA, WHERE
YOU HAVE TO PEE ON EACH OTHER
FOR HEAT?
WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT,
ALL RIGHT?"
YEAH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
"DO I HAVE TO SIT YOU DOWN TO
WATCH ROCKY IV AGAIN TO SHOW
YOU WHO THE SUPERIOR RACE IS?"
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]