Greg Fitzsimmons - Tryst in the Woods

  • Season 10, Ep 8
  • 03/16/2006
  • Views: 1,786

Greg determines he is not gay. (1:37)

LET'S CUT TO THAT. I'M DRUNK A LOT.

AND I DO SOME CRAZY THINGS. AND AT SOME POINT I DECIDE

THAT I WANNA FIND OUT IF I'M GAY.

AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANY GAY FEELINGS

BUT I STILL QUESTIONED WHETHER I WAS GAY.

AND I FIGURED THE ONLY WAY TO REALLY FIND OUT

IS TO FOOL AROUND WITH A GUY. YEAH.

AND FORTUNATELY IN BOSTON, THERE WAS A SMALL WOODED AREA

DOWNTOWN LIKE IN EVERY MAJOR CITY.

THERE'S ALWAYS ASMALL RANDOM WOODED AREA

THAT SERVES NO FUNCTION EXCEPT FOR ANONYMOUS GAY SEX.

SO I'M DRUNK ONE NIGHT AND I DECIDE I'M GONNA

GO IN THERE AND JUST FIND OUT, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

I STUMBLE INTO THE WOODS, 4AM, DRUNK.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IN THERE.

I'M GONNA FINDAN ANSWER IN THE WOODS.

AND SO I GO IN THERE AND I'M LOOKING AROUND

AND I'M NOT IN THERE FOR TEN SECONDS

WHEN A GUY POPS OUT BEHIND A TREE LIKE AN ELF,

LIKE; HERE I AM! I'M THE GUY. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

ARE WE SUPPOSED TOSHAKE HANDS OR WHATEVER.

AND I'M WAITING. AND HE'S LOOKING AT ME AND ALL OF A SUDDEN

HE JUST KINDA OPENED HIS FLY AND PULLED HIS JUNK OUT

AND I TOOK ONE LOOK AT IT AND I WAS LIKE, "NOPE, NOT GAY."

I DO NOT WANT THAT. THAT'S NOT FOR ME.

AND I KIND OF FREAKED OUT. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

AND I JUST KIND OF LEANED OVER AND PUSHED 'EM REALLY HARD

AND HE ROLLED OVER BACKWARDS AND LANDED ON HIS FEET

AND SHOT OFF INTO THE WOODS AGAIN.

AND I STUMBLED OUT OF THE WOODS GOING,

"WELL, THAT WAS AN INTERESTING NIGHT.

MAYBE I'LL TELL THIS STORY ON COMEDY CENTRAL IN 15 YEARS.

YEAH. SO, I'M NOT GAY NOW. STILL OPEN THOUGH.

IF THE GUY'S GOOD LOOKING ENOUGH,

- I'LL STILL CONSIDER IT. - [LAUGHTER]

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