- I think we should suckyour tits.
I think we get to suckyour tits.
Yeah, I think we get to suckyour tits for this.
Yeah, we get to suckyour tits.
[dark electronic music]
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and tonight the topicis psychedelia!
A very, very funny man.
You guys are absolutelygonna love him.
Please, give it up
for Mr. Andrew Santino.
[cheers and applause]
- So, uh, this is aboutthe first time,
that, um, I did, uh, mushrooms.
Uh, uh--- Whoo.
- Yeah, give it upfor mushrooms, man.
[cheers and applause]
so everyone has, like,that friend
that--that, like, gets always with everything.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, there's one personin every group
who somehow falls into luckconstantly.
And I have this friendnamed John from high school.
John was, um, and is,
an ugly guy.
Uh--yeah, [laughs]Ugly guy.
Uh, like cleft--cleft lip,lazy eye,
ugly, he's ugly guy.
Um, I already said he was ugly.He's ugly.
And, um,but I loved him.
I fucking loved him.He was a great guy.
And I'm not, you know,
I'm not handsome either,but, uh, better than that,
you know, but, um--
I love this kid,and--and--and we were cut
from two differentkinds of cloth.
Like, on paper we wouldn't makesense as friends,
because, you know,I grew up in Chicago,
and I loved hip-hopand gangster rap growing up,
and he loved hippiejam band music.
You know, do you remember hippiejam band music in the '90s?
You look like you still likehippie jam band music.
Are you in a jam band, dude?- No, I am not.
Yes, you are in Phish.Guys, the guy from phish.
The guy from phish!
Trey Anascaznia is here.
he loved that shit,and, you know,
I think the thingthat bonded us as friends
was drugs, and--'cause I loved drugs,
and he loved drugs and it waslike, "We're buddies."
uh, he--he had convinced meto go to, um,
a String Cheese Incidentconcert.
But anyway, uh,String Cheese Incident
and Béla Fleckand the Flecktones.
This is likesuper jam band-y.
For people that aretotally lost,
it's likediet Grateful Dead.
It's like really shittyGrateful Dead.
So we getinto this concert,
and, uh, we've all decidedwe'll take mushrooms together,
and this is my firstgo-round.
And I was superfucking excited,
uh, because, I mean,yeah, you know,
fuck yeah, fungus.
And, uh, let's do it.
And, uh, we had met upwith this group of people
that we kind ofbuddied up with,
and he was tryingto explain to me,
it's like a community thing,you know.
It's like, it's what you do,
you just hang outand you meet people,
and you befriend people, and--
um, they're all seatingon this huge blanket.
It was like 50x50.
Like, it was like the fuckingAIDS quilt was at--
It was the biggest blanketI've ever seen.
And it was peoplewe'd never met before
and random people strewn about
and people are doing drugsand getting fucked up,
and we're seatingon this thing,
and, uh, I've takenthe mushrooms already,
and I'm starting to drinkand smoke a little pot,
and then it's likekind of hitting me a little bit,
but, like, not enough,you know what I mean?
And then someone passes mea cup and he's like,
"Hey, it's fun juice."
And I don't know--I don't even know
what fun juice really is,
uh, but today, I think,rappers call it "syrup."
Do you know what syrup is?
It's cough syrup; it'spromethazine with, like, Sprite.
And I took a sip of that,and...
here we go.You know what I mean?
Like, "let's get started."
Everything kind of kickedinto full gear,
and I was feeling it.
You know, I was like high,but horny,
and uncomfortable, but hungry,and...
When you're really high,
you--you feel like you shouldbe doing something normal.
You know what I mean?Like you use--
'Cause you stare at stufftoo long,
and you're like,"Whoa, I should breath."
"Fuck, I should do a thingthat most people do."
And, um, so I'm like,
I--I realize--again, underprepared.
I didn't bring anythingwhen it got cold at night--
Alpine Valley in Chicago.
I had a t-shirt on.
So I'm cold,and as I'm walking around,
I'm like starting to feellike, "God, I gotta, like,
steal a blanket or something."
And I steal a--I see a lump of clothing
of, like, shirts and sweaters,
and, like, people had just takenlayers off and left them.
And I was like, "Hey, man.
Do you think I canjust grab one of these?"
to my buddy John,and of course, he was like,
"Yeah, dude. It's a community.
Fuck it!"You know?
Um, and I just reachfor whatever is there.
And there was a sweaterthat was, like,
like a sweater far too bigfor a human to have.
Um, and it was Marc Ecko.
Do you guys remember Marc Ecko?
I know I'm not supposedto turn,
but like, do you guysremember Marc Ecko?
Um, no, but it wasa Marc Ecko.
It had a big rhinoceroson it,
it was what--it was--it was like--
it was likewhat wiggers wore.
Remember wiggers?Remember like that was...
Yeah, and it's okay to say that'cause it's not a word anymore,
but, like, then it was--
back thenit was a funny word.
Um, but, yeah, and--[laughs]
And so I put onthis Marc Ecko sweater
that was way too big,but I was in the--
now I was like,"Fuck yeah, I'm comfortable."
Now I want to, like,really go out and meet people.
And I'm wandering aroundour little base camp,
and I was like,"Oh, I'm thirsty, man.
"You know what?There's a lemonade stand.
I'm gonna getsome fucking lemonade."
So I walk overto get some lemonade,
and I'm like,"I'd love a lemonade."
And she's like, "Great, $4."
I'm like,"I don't have any money.
But I have understood thatyou can trade stuff, right?"
And I should say thatthis girl, um, was--
maybe a--I don't even knowif it was a girl,
to be honest with you.
She was like a twoon her good day.
On her fancy day was a two,you know,
like, on her going-out, like,"I'm a two tonight,"
you know, she was like--
on her going-out she's a two.
And, um, terribly,maybe--maybe a few teeth.
Like, looked like a Juggalo,
like an ICP--probably was a Juggalo,
uh, a local carny.
and she was like,"Well, what do you--
you know, what are youlooking to trade?"
And I'm like,"I don't really have much."
And my buddy Johnstarts to come over,
and he wants to get inon the action,
and he's like, "Yeah, come on,let's get some lemonades.
What do you want from us?"
And he's like,"I'll sing you a song."
And she's like,
"Um, you know,
that sweater lookspretty fucking cool."
And right away,I was like,
"You wantthis fucking sweater?
I'll trade you this fuckingsweater for lemonade."
And she's like, "Oh,you don't really care about it?"
And in my brain, I'm like,"This isn't mine,
"and it was probably 16 bucksat Nordstrom Rack.
Who gives a shit aboutthis guy's fucking sweater?"
And she's like, "Yeah,I'll trade you the sweater
for some lemonades."
And my buddy Johnthen goes,
"Uh, but we alsowant to see your tits."
Just go for it, buddy.You know what I mean, John?
Just shoot for the moon.
We also want to seeyour tits.
And without any hesitation,she goes, "Okay, cool."
And I was like,"Whoa, whoa, whoa!
"That's--wow, that seems too easy.
"I feel like we should upthe ante."
You know, like, we didn't--we low-balled to the sharks.
You know, we wentin the tank too low.
We should have approached
with somethinga little bit higher.
And she's like,"Yeah, come out back."
And then we go out back,she hands us the lemonades,
and she's like, "All right,take off the sweater,
and I'll show you my tits,"and I was like,
"Yeah, I just feel likethis is a nice sweater.
"I think we should suckyour tits.
I think we getto suck your tits."
"Yeah, I think we getto suck your tits for this.
"Yeah, we get to suckyour tits for the sweater.
I'm gonna suck your tits."
And she was like, "Okay,you guys can suck my tits.
And I was like,"Oh, that worked!
Oh, my God!"
If you just tell themyou're gonna do it,
they're okay with it.
Um, so I take offthis shitty Marc Ecko sweater,
I give it to her,
and she opens up her shirt,and out comes her tits,
which are like, um,if you had two water balloons
and you held themby the knots,
you know, and they're just,like, bobbing.
You know what I mean,if you just were like,
"Oh, this isa heavy water balloon."
They were justlike water balloon tits.
And I wasted no time,I was like,
"Ah, get them in there," and--
So here my--here I am, sucking on a titty,
and my buddy John'ssucking on a titty,
and we're like,"We're sucking a titty, man."
This is awesomeon mushrooms!"
And of course,because I'm still parched
from sucking this titty
for an inordinate amountof time--
when you're high,I don't know,
it could have been an hourI sucked on this tit.
And I had my lemonade,
and I, like, broke awayfrom the titty,
slurped it, and thenget right back to the titty.
And she was into it.She was like, "Yeah! More!"
We got her nips hard.I was like, "Fuck, yes!
Drink the lemonade, John.She likes that shit."
So I'm, like,sucking on this girl's tits,
and then I kind of, like--I kind of come to,
and I was like,"We gotta, like,
stop suckingthis random girl's tits."
This is enough of this shit,right?
So we're done.We're kind of, like, awkward.
It's the most awkward ending.
You know, like--you know whenyou have sex with a stranger,
and you're like,"All right, we're done now,"
it's like you don't knowhow to--
I was like, "I just didyour boobs. I gotta go."
And she was like, "All right,well, take it easy.
You guys are cool."
And then she goesto give me a hug,
and I kind of give her,like, a hug,
but then she kind of goesto kiss me, and I was like,
"You got the sweater."You know what I mean?
Like, "Get the fuck awayfrom me,
So we walk back to the camp,and we're, like, hanging out,
and at this point, like,I'm king of the world.
I'm high as fuck,and I got some titties
and some lemonade,and all was good.
And [chuckles]out of nowhere,
I hear a voice go, "Oh,what the fuck is this shit?"
And I was like, "What is--what is that?
What is that?What is that?"
And I turn, and it isa big, angry, black woman,
like, very angry, very mad.
And my first thought was,
"What's a black lady doing at aString Cheese Incident concert?
Why is this woman at a jam bandwhite rich kids suburb show?"
Like, "What is--This makes no sense."
And she goes,"Someone stole our shit!"
And this dude comes over.
This big, tall,big, muscly, black dude
is like, "Fuck that shit!
What the fuck happened?"
And I'm still like, "Whythe fuck are these people here?
This is crazy!"
And it wasn't the mushrooms!
I was like, "This is--that's a real black person.
Those are stillreal black people."
And, um, they're getting madbecause they've noticed
someone's, like, rummagedthrough the pile of shit
where her purse was--rightfully so.
She's like,"Someone stole our shit!
The shit's all fucked up!Someone stole the shit!"
And everyone is like,"Don't panic. It's all good.
It's all kosher.Rub a gem."
Or whatever the fuckhippies do, I don't--
You know, like,"Relax, bro."
And, um, they're bothfucking pissed,
like, livid, like,"Who the fuck touches--
"Who saw someonetouch this shit?
"We gotta tell--this is fucked up!
This is fucked up."
And then the girl turns,
and--and the lemonade stand is,like, maybe 30 yards away,
and she sees the girlwearing the sweater,
and she goes,"Uh-uh! Hey!
You got my man's sweater on!She stole your sweater!"
And the guy was like,"You stole my fucking sweater!"
And this girl's like,"What? I didn't steal shit.
What are you talking about?"
She steps out of the booth,she's like,
"You get the fuck over here.
You stolemy man's fucking sweater."
The girl's like,"I didn't steal shit!
Those guys gave it to me becauseI let them suck my tits!"
And they all turnand look at us.
And the dude looks at me,like, I mean, dead-eye
and was like,
"You stole my sweater,and you gave it to that girl
and sucked her tits?"
And I was like,"Yes, I did."
And he goes, "That...
is fucking awesome, dude!"
I'm Andrew Santino.I gotta go.
[cheers and applause]
[dark electronic music]