John Heffron - Car Trips

  • Season 11, Ep 2
  • 01/11/2007
  • Views: 4,689

Growing up, John always had to sit on the middle hump "suck seat." (2:18)

BUT MINE SUCKED BECAUSE MY DAD PUT IT TOGETHER FOR US.

AND EVERY TIME WE SWUNG ON IT,

ONE POLE WOULD COME RIGHT OUT OF THE GRASS

'CAUSE YOUR DAD DID SUCH A CRAP JOB CEMENTING IT IN.

YOU'D ACTUALLY SWING ON IT,THEN SEE THE SWING-SET ABOVE YA.

BEES AND WASPS WOULD ALWAYS COME OUT OF THAT TOP TUBE.

[LAUGHTER]

DAD'S ALWAYS AT A GAS STATION RECENTLY, RIGHT?

WHERE I'M GETTING GAS, THIS DAD PULLS UP.

AND YOU CAN TELL THE GUY'S ON VACATION'CAUSE HE'S GOT

ALL THESE BIG DAD VEINSPOPPING OUT OF HIS FACE.

YOU KNOW THE POOR GUY THE NIGHT BEFORE WAS GOING

"YOU'RE LEAVING AT 6:00AM." AND IT WAS LIKE 11:30

BEFORE HE EVEN PULLED INAT A GAS STATION, RIGHT?

HE'S IN THIS SUV. HIS KIDS STAY IN THE FAR BACK.

ONE KID IS PLAYING A VIDEO GAME. THE OTHER KID IS

FLIPPING THROUGH SATELLITE TV.AND THE WHOLE TIME I'M THINKING,

"CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE

"TRAVELING WITH YOUR OWN FAMILY IN THAT SITUATION?

"COULD YOU IMAGINE BEING SO FAR BACK FROM YOUR DAD

THAT HE COULDN'T SMACK YOU AT ANY GIVEN TIME?"

I HOPE KIDS ARE JUST TAUNTING THEIR DADS FROM BACK THERE.

"HEY, DAD! WE JUST SPILLED SOMETHING!"

DON'T WORRY. HE'S NOT COMING BACK HERE.

HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO OPERATETHE SEATS IN FRONT OF US.

WE'RE GOOD. WE'RE GOOD.LOOK AT THE HEADREST.

IT'S STILL FACING THE WRONG WAY. HE HAS NO IDEA.

CAR COMPANIES SHOULD MAKE A HAND THAT GOES ON THE SEAT

IN FRONT OF THE KID THAT JUST GOES LIKE THAT.

DAD COULD HAVE A LITTLE BUDDY HIT-- PA-PA-PA-PA-PA! WHAT?

DO YOU REALIZE THERE'S GONNA BE A GENERATION OF KIDS GOING,

"I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TRAVELING WITH MY FAMILY."

DID YA, IN THE SUV. HUH. THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU NEVER HAD TO SIT

IN THE "BACKSEAT MIDDLE HUMP SUCK SEAT" FOR 1500 MILES!

REMEMBER THAT? THAT WAS BACK WHEN YOUR PARENTS

COULD GIVE A CRAP ABOUT CHILD SAFETY.

"HEY, DAD, CAN WE LAY UPIN THE BACK SHELF HERE?"

"YEAH. GO AHEAD. THAT'S FINE."

"THERE'S THREE DEAD BEES UP THERE.

CAN YOU TRY TO GET THOSE OUT FOR ME?" "YEAH. OKAY. PERFECT."

AS ALL THE WINDOWS ARE UP. BOTH PARENTS SMOKING.

- BLAH! BLAH! - [LAUGHTER]

AS THEY PAINT MY ROOM WITH LEAD-BASED PAINT

AND DROP ME OFF AT THE ASBESTOS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

- TO HANG OUT IN. - [LAUGHTER]

WHAT?

Loading...