Mike Birbiglia - Bar-B-Que

  • Season 10 , Ep 6
  • 03/02/2006
  • Views: 18,754

Never let Bush run your bar-b-que. (2:16)

I FEEL LIKE WHETHER YOU LIKE HIM OR NOT,

I THINK BUSH SEEMS LIKE A FUN GUY,

LIKE HE'S THAT GUY YOU INVITE TO THE BARBECUE

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HE'LL START THE WIFFLE BALL GAME.

HE'S LIKE WIFFLE-BALL TONY. YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH,

"WIFFLE-BALL TONY'S HERE. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS COOL."AND THEN ONE DAYSOMEBODY'S LIKE,

"WE'RE GONNA PUT TONY IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND I'M LIKE, "WE ARE?

"I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'SSUCH A GOOD IDEA BECAUSEHE'S VERY COMPETITIVE.

"HE STARTS GOING INTO THE NEIGHBOR'S LAWN.

CHALLENGING THEM TO WIFFLE BALL GAMES."

HE'S LIKE, "I HEAR YOU WANNA PLAY WIFFLE BALL, BITCHES?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE "WE NEVER SAID THAT."

BUT HE STARTS CHUCKIN' HAMBURGERS AT 'EM,

WE'RE LIKE, "TONY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN', MAN?"

HE'S LIKE, "THEY WERE GONNA CHUCK HAMBURGERS AT ME!"

BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE HAMBURGER

- IS THE THING.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN THEY HAVE HOT DOGS

BUT THEY ONLY THROW 'EM AT EACH OTHER, SO IT'S COOL OR WHATEVER.

BUT THEN PEOPLE GET UPSET. YOU KNOW THEY'RE LIKE,

"WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH BOOKWORM STEVE.

BUT HE'S SO BORING." THEN ONE GUY'S LIKE, "WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT RALPH? HOW ABOUT RALPH?"

AND WE'RE LIKE,"SHUT UP, RALPH, THIS ISNO TIME FOR JOKES."

IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE YOU GO TO DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE COUNTRY

AND PEOPLE GETVERY PERSONALLY OFFENDED

BY TALKING ABOUT BUSH AT ALL. LIKE I WAS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

AND THIS WOMAN CAME UP TO ME-- THIS IS A TRUE STORY--

SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW HE COULD BE HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I SAID, "FIRST OF ALL, NO. HE'S PROBABLY ON VACATION."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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