Tom Segura - Spectrum of Gay

  • Season 15 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 12,746

Big cities contain an assortment of gay people: business gay, artsy gay, dungeon gay and gym rat gay. (4:28)

IS THAT YOU GET TO EXPERIENCETHE FULL SPECTRUM OF GAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN--LIKE... MOST PLACES,

YOU GO TO THEMIDWEST OR SOMETHING,

YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY, DO YOUHAVE ANY GAY PEOPLE HERE?"

AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,

"YOU MEAN THAT GUY THATWEARS PINK AND LIKES FRUIT?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE "NO,THERE'S WAY MORE THAN THAT."

LIKE, JUST TODAY,I SAW A "BUSINESS GAY,"

"ARTSY GAY,""DUNGEON GAY,"

AND MY ALL TIMEFAVORITE, "GYM RAT GAY."

YOU'VE SEEN HIM.

HE'S A BIZARRE HYBRIDOF SKINNY AND MUSCULAR.

HE HAS THE LEGSOF A FLAMINGO

AND THE CHESTOF A LUMBERJACK.

[audience laughing]

IT'S LIKE HE'S GROWN MUSCLESTO FIGHT HIS GAYNESS.

AND AT THE HALF,THE SCORE IS TIED.

"I LIKE BALLROOM DANCING,AND I CAN BENCH 365."

WHOA!

WHICH SIDE'S GONNA WIN--I'LL TELL YOU: GAY.

[audience laughing]

GAY'S GONNA WIN.

SPEAKING OF GAY....

I DID SOMETHINGGAY THE OTHER DAY.

NOW, WHEN I SAY "GAY,"I DON'T MEAN LIKE LAME,

LIKE WHEN PEOPLE GO,"THAT MOVIE WAS GAY."

AND YOU'RE LIKE "WHY?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"'CAUSE THERE WERE ONLY THREEEXPLOSIONS-- THAT WAS GAY."

THAT'S NOTWHAT I MEAN.

I MEAN LIKE,"THAT MOVIE WAS GAY."

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE THERE WEREALL THESE NAKED GUYS

"AND THEY KEPT HAVING SEXWITH OTHER NAKED GUYS."

[audience laughing]

THAT KIND OF GAY.

SO I GOTO THE GROCERY STORE,

AND I PUT ALL OFMY ITEMS ON THE BELT,

AND THEN I TAKETHE DIVIDER THING TO, LIKE,

KEEP YOUR STUFF AWAYFROM MY STUFF, RIGHT?

AND...

[audience laughing]

YEAH, I DON'T WANT OURSTUFF TOUCHING, SO, LIKE--

I'M WAITING A WHILE,SO I'M FRUSTRATED, RIGHT?

SO WHEN IT'S MY TURN,I TURN TO THE GUY BEHIND ME,

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT'SUP, BITCH-- I'M NEXT."

LIKE, I DON'T SAY IT,

BUT HE KNOWS WHATTIME IT IS, RIGHT, SO...

[audience laughing]

RIGHT BEFOREI TURN AWAY FROM HIM,

I NOTICE OUT OFTHE CORNER OF MY EYE,

THAT THIS GUYHAS THIS REALLY--

I MEAN, TREMENDOUSLY IMPRESSIVEBULGE IN HIS PANTS, RIGHT?

NOW, LET'S GET SOMETHINGOUT OF THE WAY.

THERE ARE A LOT OF FAKEBULGES OUT THERE, OKAY?

A LOT OF EUROPEAN GUYS,ESPECIALLY ITALIAN GUYS,

THEY WILL WEAR, LIKE,REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR,

AND THEN, REALLYTIGHT JEANS,

BUT THAT'S LIKE PUTTIN' YOUR[deleted] IN A HEAD LOCK.

THAT'S NOT LIKEA REAL BULGE, OKAY?

THE GUY I WASSTANDING NEXT TO,

HE HAD A BULGE OVERHERE LIKE THAT.

[audience laughing]

YEAH.

SO NATURALLY, I WASLIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"

[audience laughing]

LIKE, THIS THINGLOOKED LIKE

IT HAD IT'S OWNFEEDING SCHEDULE

[audience laughing]

AND A HEALTHCAREPLAN, OKAY?

SO... ANYWAYS...

I'M STARING LOVINGLYAT HIS GIFT, ALL RIGHT?

AND THEN, I STARTTO HEAR, "33.62.

"33.62.

"SIR, YOURTOTAL IS 33.62!"

AND I'M LIKE,"OH, NO."

I'M SUPPOSED TOPAY RIGHT NOW,

BUT EVERYBODY SEES ME STARINGAT THIS GUY'S [deleted].

[audience laughing]

SO I HAVE TO COME UPWITH A GAME PLAN

OF HOW TO GETOUT OF IT.

YOU KNOW, HOW TOMAKE IT LOOK LIKE

I'M NOT DOINGEXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING.

SO I DECIDE, "I'LLJUST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE

I'M LOST INTHOUGHT," YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOKANYWHERE AND BE THINKING.

LIKE... [indistinct ]

SO THAT'S MY PLAN--SO I JUST TURN FROM HIM.

I JUST QUICKLY TURN TOTHE CASHIER, AND I GO,

"OH, I'M SORRY.

"I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IF I WASSUPPOSED TO GET ORANGE JUICE."

AND THEN SHE GOES, "WELL, WHYDON'T YOU ASK HIS [deleted]?"

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

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