So we-- we--we want you, ladies,
and we want you andwe don't know how to get you.
We used to just be ableto chase you down and grab you,
but they made that illegal,like, 10,000 years ago.
Yeah, so now we gotto be romantic.
We don't know anythingabout that.
That's like... and there'sno end to the amount of romance
we're supposedto give you ladies.
'Cause, like, we'll take youout to dinner, right?
We're going to pay,
which, for a guy,is, like, insanely romantic,
but it's not enough.
You know how I knowit's not enough?
'Cause they always let that ladyinto the restaurant.
Creepiest lady on Earth--goddamn flower lady.
Is there anyone worsethan that woman?
Whenever I see her, I'm like,"Who let her in here?"
"Roses for the lady?"
Do women even want the rosesat the restaurant?
No-- a lot of noes.
You know why, fellas?
'Cause the rosesare too convenient.
Yeah, women only like presents
if they're super-inconvenientto get.
Yeah. Women wants us to waitin line for six hours.
They're, like,"Drive to the next state."
They just want a story they cantell their girlfriends at brunch
about how muchwe suffered for them.
Like, "You don't knowabout these earrings?
"These are the earringsthat when Mike got 'em for me,
he fell on the escalatorand lost part of his hand."
"I don't even like the earrings,but I like
that Mike was legally dead fortwo minutes when it happened."
Still, it's sucha one-way street.
That's the thing.
So, I'm, like, real sensitiveto guys' issues.
Uh, the... like, one partof the year is just
about giving presents to women.
Between Thanksgivingand Valentine's Day,
every commercial on TV is aboutgiving presents to women.
"Give her a Decemberto remember."
"A diamond is forever.
♪ Every kiss beings with Kay. "
You know why all the commercialsare for women?
'Cause you can't advertisewhat guys want.
(cheering, applause,and whooping)
Like, legally,you're not allowed.
You'll never seea commercial, like,
"Ladies, this holiday seasongive him the gift
"he's been waiting for all year.
"A day of silence
followed by a three-way with youand your hottest friend."
(laughter, applause,and whooping)
"Followed by more silence."
"Only from J.C. Penney."