ladies and gentlemen.
And also welcome,children at home
who probably shouldn'tbe watching this.
Especiallywelcome to you.
You know, wasting your childhoodyears watching Comedy Central
is a formativeexperience.
Say hello to the childrenat home...
...who are listeningto it quietly
in case their parentshear the word [BLEEP].
And they won't have evenheard that.
They'll have just hearda bleep.
Underneath that bleep,I said the word [BLEEP].
We have three magnificentcomedians for you tonight.
Before we start,I, last year,
took a stepinto the future,
and it felt terrible.
I joined Twitterfor the first time, and...
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]Really? Really?
Or should your response bethe opposite of that?
Because it felt likean overwhelming defeat.
And when I was about to sendmy first tweet,
I was thinking to myself,Why have I been so reluctant
to engage in this?
Why have I feltso repelled by it?
You know, people seemto enjoy it.
It's done someamazing things
all over the world.
Why have I notliked this?
And within seconds,
actual seconds of sendingmy first tweet,
I received a message backthat simply read,
"You're terrible.Go eat a bag of dicks."
And it was the speedof the response that shocked me.
Not the content, that wasbasically what I was expecting.
It was the speed.
Because it hit methat human fingers
could not have typedthat message out
in the speedin which it got to me.
Which meant that some guybeen sitting over his computer
for six years,
since the inventionof Twitter, going,
He's going to join.
He's going to feel likehe has to join.
And when he does,I shall be here first.
And he shall knowhow I feel.
There he is. Boom!No, that was Jamie Oliver.
Sorry, Jamie.That was friendly fire.
That was nota recipe suggestion.