Todd Lynn - Pre-Midlife Crisis

  • Season 9 , Ep 14
  • 05/12/2005
  • Views: 8,197

At 35, what is your opening line to talk to women? (3:15)

SO I'M ALMOST 40.

I'M GOING THROUGH LIKE A

PRE MIDLIFE CRISIS.

YOU KNOW, SO I CAN'T DO ALL

THE THINGS I USED TO DO.

LIKE I CAN'T LIKE GO OUT AND

HANG OUT AND DANCE AT CLUBS

BECAUSE I'M AT THAT AGE WHERE

I'M LIKE THE CREEPY DUDE IN

THE CLUB.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THE CREEPY DUDE.

THE ONE THAT REALLY DON'T SAY

NOTHING TO WOMEN.

HE JUST LOOK AT THEM LIKE,

"HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH."

"HEE HEEH HEE HEE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M-- I'M-- I'M FINISHED MAN.

I JUST-- I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE AT

THIS AGE EITHER.

I DON'T HAVE LIKE A NICE CAR.

I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I DON'T HAVE REAL NICE PLACE

TO STAY.

I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND,

NOT BECAUSE I'M CREEPY.

BUT IT'S BECAUSE I'M JUST

TOO LAZY TO TALK.

I'M AT THAT AGE WHERE I DON'T

KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO WOMEN NO

MORE.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN AFTER 35 WHAT

IS YOUR OPENING LINE?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY?

"YOU LIKE ME?"

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T.

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE

I WAS WHEN I WAS 14.

SITTING ON THE PHONE AT

3 AM, "NO, YOU HANG UP.

NO YOU HANG UP.

I MEAN I'M SLEEPY BUT I AIN'T

SLEEPY, SLEEPY.

OKAY, YOU WANT TO HANG UP

AT THE SAME TIME?

LET'S DO IT.

ONE TWO THREE.

YOU HANG UP?

NO.

I'M STILL THERE."

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

AND WOMEN PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS

THE WRONG WAY.

WELL, YOU CAN IF YOU WANT

I DON'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN

AT THIS POINT.

I'M AT THAT AGE WHERE I DON'T

LIKE WOMEN ANYMORE.

I MEAN I LIKE THEM.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

I LOVE WOMEN.

BUT I DON'T LIKE THEM.

AND IN ALL HONESTY, NO MAN--

WE REALLY DON'T LIKE Y'ALL.

WE LOVE YOU.

BUT WE REALLY DON'T LIKE Y'ALL.

Y'ALL ARE REALLY ANNOYING ON

ANOTHER LEVEL THAT Y'ALL HAVE

NO IDEA ABOUT.

OKAY?

WE DON'T.

WE DO NOT LIKE YOU.

SEE AND YOU THOUGHT THE PROBLEM

WAS THAT IS-- THIS IS WHAT IT

REALLY IS.

HERE'S THE HONESTY COMING FROM

ME.

MEN, WE REALLY INTO SEX, WOMEN,

Y'ALL INTO RELATIONSHIPS.

AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS.

SEX, RELATIONSHIPS.

AND THEM DON'T GO TOGETHER.

TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

I KNOW.

NO, SEE AND WOMEN ARE NOT JUST

INTO RELATIONSHIPS.

THEY INTO THAT WHOLE

OPRAH WINFREY BOOK CLUB FORM OF

A RELATIONSHIP.

THE ONE WHERE THEY'RE TALKING IN

THE BOOK CLUB LIKE "I WANT A MAN

THAT WE CAN COME TOGETHER AS ONE

IN THE CIRCLE OF TRUST AS WE

PLEDGE FAILTY."

PPLLBTH!

NO!

NO!

NO MAN MEETS YOU AND WANT TO

TALK.

OKAY?

NO MAN EVER WALK UP TO YOU

AND GO, "WE COULD HAVE LOVING

WONDERFUL CONVERSATION

TOGETHER."

NO WE DO NOT.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

THE THOUGHTS THAT GO THROUGH

OUR HEAD WHEN WE FIRST MEET YOU

ARE SO EVIL AND CREEPY

WE CAN NOT EVEN VOCALIZE 'EM.

I'M TELLING YOU.

WE CAN'T.

IT'S LIKE WE LOOK AT YOU AND

GO, "OH GIRL, [BLEEP] [BLEEP].

SPREAD YOUR BUTT CHEEKS..."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TELLING YOU WE ARE SO CREEPY

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU UNTIL WE

SLEEP WITH YOU.

UNTIL WE HAVE SEX, WE HAVE

NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE.

ONCE WE GET SEX, WE GET CLARITY.

WE START SEEING STUFF WE NEVER

SEEN IN THE BEGINNING.

LIKE, "I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD

ONE LEG, THIS IS INCREDIBLE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"AND THAT PATCH OVER YOUR EYE.

OKAY.

SO YOU A PIRATE, ALL RIGHT.

THAT EXPLAINS THE BOAT AND THE

SWORD FIGHT.

AND I GET IT NOW."

AND I'M ALMOST FINISHED WITH

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