THOUGH.
IF YOU'RE MARRIED TWO TV'S,
RIGHT?
YEAH.
'CAUSE SHE ALWAYS WANTS TO
WATCH DR. PHIL.
SHE SAYS, "COME ON AND WATCH
DR. PHIL."
"I HATE DR. PHIL."
YEAH.
I LIKE MY ANIMAL SHOWS.
GUYS LIKE ANIMAL SHOWS, RIGHT?
Male: YEAH.
Tom Shillue: YEAH.
LIKE WATCHING THOSE ANIMALS
RUN ACROSS THE PLAINS.
WHEN I GET HOME LATE AT NIGHT
I LIKE MY ANIMAL SHOWS.
I GET LIKE THREE DIFFERENT
ANIMAL CHANNELS NOW.
MY CABLE SYSTEM'S FANTASTIC.
I GOT HOME THE OTHER NIGHT
2:30 A.M.
THIS IS WHAT'S ON TV?
"SEARCH FOR THE GIANT SQUID."
[LAUGHTER]
"NO MAN HAS EVER SEEN A GIANT
SQUID ALIVE."
I SAID, "DAMN!
I'LL STAY UP FOR THAT."
[LAUGHTER]
I WANNA BE THE FIRST KID ON
MY BLOCK TO SEE THE GIANT SQUID.
SO THE GUY GOES DOWN TO THE
BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN IN HIS
ONE-MAN SUBMERSIBLE SUBMARINE.
WHICH IS KINDA REDUNDANT
BUT THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SO HE WAS LIKE...
[SUBMERGING NOISES]
"WE'RE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE
OCEAN.
WE MUST REMAIN VERY QUIET
SO AS NOT TO DISTURB THE GIANT
SQUID."
[LAUGHTER]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE
MESSAGES."
[LAUGHTER]
SO I WAIT.
HE COMES BACK.
"WE'RE STILL AT THE BOTTOM OF
THE OCEAN.
AND HERE IS A SKETCH OF THE
GIANT SQUID.
THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD LOOK LIKE
IF WE SAW HIM.
SO FAR WE HAVE NOT.
NO MAN HAS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
THESE MESSAGES."
[LAUGHTER]
[BLEEP].
SO I WAIT HE COMES BACK.
"WE'RE STILL AT THE BOTTOM OF
THE OCEAN."
THINK YOU BETTER SHOW ME THAT
DAMN SQUID!
I HAD NEVER WANTED TO SEE A
SQUID SO BADLY IN MY LIFE.
[LAUGHTER]
FINALLY IT'S LIKE 3:25 A.M.
THE GUY IS LIKE, "PULL ME UP."
THEY PULLED THE SUBMERSIBLE UP.
HE GETS ON THE DECK OF THE BOAT.
HE'S LIKE, "WELL, ANOTHER DAY
AND THE SQUID HAS ELUDED US."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
IT'S AN HOUR-LONG SHOW!
THEY NEVER SHOWED THE SQUID!
SH-SH-SH.
I WAS PISSED.