Tom Shillue - Giant Squid

  • Season 9 , Ep 13
  • 05/05/2005
  • Views: 4,200

If you're married, you need to buy two TV sets. (2:29)

THOUGH.

IF YOU'RE MARRIED TWO TV'S,

RIGHT?

YEAH.

'CAUSE SHE ALWAYS WANTS TO

WATCH DR. PHIL.

SHE SAYS, "COME ON AND WATCH

DR. PHIL."

"I HATE DR. PHIL."

YEAH.

I LIKE MY ANIMAL SHOWS.

GUYS LIKE ANIMAL SHOWS, RIGHT?

Male: YEAH.

Tom Shillue: YEAH.

LIKE WATCHING THOSE ANIMALS

RUN ACROSS THE PLAINS.

WHEN I GET HOME LATE AT NIGHT

I LIKE MY ANIMAL SHOWS.

I GET LIKE THREE DIFFERENT

ANIMAL CHANNELS NOW.

MY CABLE SYSTEM'S FANTASTIC.

I GOT HOME THE OTHER NIGHT

2:30 A.M.

THIS IS WHAT'S ON TV?

"SEARCH FOR THE GIANT SQUID."

[LAUGHTER]

"NO MAN HAS EVER SEEN A GIANT

SQUID ALIVE."

I SAID, "DAMN!

I'LL STAY UP FOR THAT."

[LAUGHTER]

I WANNA BE THE FIRST KID ON

MY BLOCK TO SEE THE GIANT SQUID.

SO THE GUY GOES DOWN TO THE

BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN IN HIS

ONE-MAN SUBMERSIBLE SUBMARINE.

WHICH IS KINDA REDUNDANT

BUT THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO HE WAS LIKE...

[SUBMERGING NOISES]

"WE'RE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE

OCEAN.

WE MUST REMAIN VERY QUIET

SO AS NOT TO DISTURB THE GIANT

SQUID."

[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE

MESSAGES."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I WAIT.

HE COMES BACK.

"WE'RE STILL AT THE BOTTOM OF

THE OCEAN.

AND HERE IS A SKETCH OF THE

GIANT SQUID.

THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD LOOK LIKE

IF WE SAW HIM.

SO FAR WE HAVE NOT.

NO MAN HAS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER

THESE MESSAGES."

[LAUGHTER]

[BLEEP].

SO I WAIT HE COMES BACK.

"WE'RE STILL AT THE BOTTOM OF

THE OCEAN."

THINK YOU BETTER SHOW ME THAT

DAMN SQUID!

I HAD NEVER WANTED TO SEE A

SQUID SO BADLY IN MY LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

FINALLY IT'S LIKE 3:25 A.M.

THE GUY IS LIKE, "PULL ME UP."

THEY PULLED THE SUBMERSIBLE UP.

HE GETS ON THE DECK OF THE BOAT.

HE'S LIKE, "WELL, ANOTHER DAY

AND THE SQUID HAS ELUDED US."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

IT'S AN HOUR-LONG SHOW!

THEY NEVER SHOWED THE SQUID!

SH-SH-SH.

I WAS PISSED.

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