Exclusive - Aziz Ansari - Cold Stone Creamery - Uncensored

Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening Season 1, Ep 101 01/17/2010 Views: 197,194

Aziz Ansari's request for a simple cup of vanilla ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery is denied. (2:00)

I WENT TO A PLACE RECENTLYI THINK IS ONE OF THE MOST

FUCKED-UP PLACES I'VE EVERBEEN TO.

I'M CONVINCED THIS PLACE IS THEEPITOME OF AMERICAN EXCESS,

OF AMERICAN GREED.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A PLACE CALLEDCOLDSTONE CREAMERY.

WHOA.

IF YOU HAVE NOT BEEN THERE, THEBASIC GIST OF COLDSTONE IS THAT

THEY TAKE ICE CREAM, AND THENTHEY JUST GO APE SHIT WITH IT.

THEY'RE JUST, LIKE, SLAMMINGBROWNIES AND GUMMY BEARS AND

JUST HAMMERING IT IN THERE--WHATEVER FAT PEOPLE WANT IN

THERE--SNICKERS BAR,CHEESEBURGER, LET ME FUCK A

BUTTERFINGER INTO IT FOR YOU.

JUST, LIKE, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

JESUS, THIS IS WAY TOO INTENSEFOR ME.

IS THAT GUY'S DICK ABUTTERFINGER?

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE A SMALLCUP OF VANILLA, IF THAT'S OKAY.

THIS IS JUST TOO INTENSE FORME."

LADY BEHIND THE COUNTER'S LIKE,"NO, NO, NO, YOU SHOULD TRY ONE

OF OUR CREATIONS LIKE BIRTHDAYCAKE REMIX, WHERE

WE TAKE CAKE BATTER ICE CREAM,YELLOW CAKE, FUDGE CHUNKS,

SPRINKLES."

IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, THATJUST SOUNDS TOO INTENSE FOR ME.

I'LL JUST HAVE A SMALL CUP OFVANILLA."

SHE GOES, "QUIT BEING A BITCH."

WHOA.

AND THEN I COULDN'T EVEN GET ASMALL, 'CAUSE THEIR SIZES ARE

ACTUALLY "LIKE IT," "LOVE IT,"AND "GOTTA HAVE IT."

WHAT KIND OF CRACKHEADTERMINOLOGY IS THAT?

"HEY, WHAT SIZE YOU WANT, MAN?""I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I JUST GOTTA HAVE IT!

PUT SOME ICE CREAM IN A CUP.

I'M TWEAKING.

I'M TWEAKING.

I'M TWEAKING."

AND, YOU KNOW, I FELT BAD FORPEOPLE THAT HAD TO WORK THERE,

MAN, SO I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'MGONNA DROP A COUPLE OF DOLLARS

IN THE TIP JAR ON MY WAY OUT."

WHOA, THAT'S WHEN ALL HELL BROKELOOSE, 'CAUSE APPARENTLY,

WHENEVER THEY GET EVEN A DOLLARIN THE TIP JAR, ALL FIVE

EMPLOYEES ARE REQUIRED TO BUMPOUT INTO A SONG-AND-DANCE NUMBER

WHERE THEY TAKE CURRENT POPULARMUSIC AND SHOVE COLDSTONE LINGO

INTO IT AS IF THEY'RE SOMERETARDED SECOND COUSIN OF

WEIRD AL THAT'S OBSESSED WITHICE CREAM, AND IT'S RIDICULOUS.

FIVE PEOPLE ARE SINGING ANDDANCING FOR A DOLLAR.

THAT'S 20¢ A PERSON.

IF YOU SAW A HOMELESS DUDEOUTSIDE OF COLDSTONE AND YOU'RE

LIKE, "HEY, MAN, I'LL GIVE YOU20¢ TO SING SOME SONGS

ABOUT COLDSTONE," HE'D GO, "HEY,MAN, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

THAT'S DEGRADING."