Kumail Nanjiani - Porn in the Middle

Kumail Nanjiani: Beta Male Season 1, Ep 101 07/20/2013 Views: 17,051

Kumail Nanjiani uses his power as his friends' porn supplier for evil. (2:15)

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The other weird post-scriptto that story is

when I got to be,like, 14, I got so--

You know how you could,like, hook up two VCRs

and copy stuff over?

I started copyingmy favorite porn scenes

onto the middleof other kids' movies

I owned.

Yeah, I was makingboner jams at 14.

Like an utter scumbag.

Ugh.

And then I would lendthese videos to my friends.

I was their porn supplier.

Yeah, like a scumbag.

'Cause it was awesomefor them.

It was the middleof other movies.

They didn't even have to, like,sneak them into the house.

They were just like,"It's just Jurassic Park, Mom."

And then they just goand, you know,

act two was awesome.

Ugh.

But here's the weird--

Okay, here's...

the best thing I did.

This is the culminationof that story.

Okay, so you guysremember the movie Mask?

[scattered cheers]

I don't mean Jim Carreywith the green face.

[scattered groans]

I mean, like, Cher

with the kidwith the big face,

you know?

I gave my friendthe movie Mask

with porn in the middle.

Let me rephrase that.

I gave him the movie Mask

and told himthere was porn in the middle.

But there was no porn!It was a prank!

So he becamethe first guy in history

to watch the entirety of Mask with an erection.

No porn.

Just a disfigured kid

touching livesand slowly dying,

at probably the same ratethat his boner was deflating.

He called me afterwards,and he was like,

"I'm not even angry.That was great."

Another weird postscriptto that story

is that I left Pakistan,

and then after I left,my mom sold all of my VHSes.

So there's some little kidwatching Dick Tracy like,

"This movie makes me wantto pee really bad."

It's just biology, Austin.