Ari Shaffir - Trust No One (with a Condom) - Uncensored

Scumbag 10/13/2016 Views: 119

After Ari Shaffir had sex with a stranger he didn't trust, he ended up going to extreme lengths to avoid disposing of a condom in her home. (11:24)

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And I'm telling you right now,if I don't trust a used condom

with a regular human woman,

you'll be goddamned if I justgive it to a homeless lady,

and just like, "Hey, don't doanything weird with this."

[intense musical buildup]

- Aah!

- Aah!

- [kissing sounds][tires screeching]

- Let me smell your vagina!

[brakes screech]

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,please welcome this next comic,

the host of the "Punch Drunk"sports podcast,

give it up for Mr. Ari Shaffir,everybody.

Let him hear it!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, everybody.

[laughs]Thank you very much.

All right, this story iswhat my friend said

was the gayest thingthat's ever happened to him.

[chuckles]I, uh...

I don't really likethat kinda talk, but whatever.

So it starts--I was havingsex with a girl--

excuse me, a woman--and, uh...

That's one of those thingswhere feminists are right,

like, yes, absolutely,I was a grown person.

And I used a condom for once...

[laughs]

I don't know how you guysfeel when you use a condom.

I feel like a champion for,like, the rest of the month.

I'm always like, "Not part ofthe problem today...

this one time!"

And if you wear a condom,that means you don't have to

wear a condomthe next nine times.

'Cause it cancels out.That's just how it works.

That's just science, you guys.

If you disagree,you don't know science.

It's like when you havea salad for lunch,

you can have a wholepizza for dinner.

So anyway,

what do you guys do when you'redone having sex with a condom?

What do you doas soon as you're finished?

- Pull it off.I don't know.

- What? Pull her off?

That's great, man, yeah,that's a number one thing.

You're absolutely right.You'll be like,

"I'm finished now.You should leave.

"Leave my dick.It's, like, done.

I feel it shrinkinginside of you."

[laughter]

Like, "You wanna pull out?""It'll come out on its own."

That's how you knowwinter is over.

It just gets smallerand smaller.

[laughs]

Fucking great answer, man.

Yeah, you pull her off you.

And then you takethe condom off,

and you gotta throwthe condom off--

you gotta throw it away.

Yeah, first of all,you gotta pull it off,

'cause at some point

you lay there fora minute or two, you know,

before you pull it off.

You don't be like fucking--Uhh--then fucking take the--

You know, it's like, grenade!Get it outta here!

But she's lying on your shoulderand you realize,

you're like--once your dickis completely limp,

it's like this isn'tsexual anymore.

And you realize, like, you'vejust been basting in jizz.

Your dick is like a Haagen-Dazsdip cone of semen.

Yeah. It's got, like, reverseBenjamin Button or something.

It's gonna prune up

like you're in the showertoo long, you know?

I don't want my dick lookinglike it's got progeria,

so you gotta take it off.

And a lot of people get upand throw the condom out,

uh, which, that's coolif you got the energy.

I fuck hard--I don't havethat kind of energy.

So, uh...

yeah, I go for itif you're gonna go for it.

So I'll take the condom off

and I'll just throw itby the side of the bed.

I don't know if you guysever do that move?

It's a classic.You've never done that?

Oh, 'cause you're black.

Black people don't use condoms,that's why.

You're like, "What? I don't evenunderstand this whole story.

"What are you talking about?You have to explain to me

"why would you investin real estate

when you're talkingto this girl?"

Yeah, so you dump itby the side of the bed.

You get it the next morning.That's what I was gonna do.

I'll tie it off--you don't,like, just drop it,

'cause thenit'll all leak out.

So you gotta like,tie it off.

Especially if you got dogs.

If you got dogs,you gotta tie that off.

They'll go for it.Dogs will go for it.

They don't know.They don't know about sexuality.

They just know protein.They just know protein.

Yeah, a dog will, like,go for it.

You can yell at 'em.Be like, "Stop!"

And the dog'll be like,"I think you're wrong here.

"'Cause...why...why would I not eat--

"Why did you cover itin protein

if you don't want me to eat it?"

So, yeah,for sure tie it off.

And the morning cameand I got up to throw it away.

I don't--I was gonna flush.

I don't like to throw awaycondoms at women's places

'cause, like...part of me worries, like...

This might be crazybut, like...

Yeah, well, hold on.It's not completely crazy

if you all kind of knowwhat I'm about to say, right?

[laughter]

- Yeah, it's not completelyoff the wall nuts

that she's gonna, yeah,undo the condom

and then put it up thereand fuckin' scoosh it in

and have a baby the oldfashioned way through trapping.

Yeah, so I was like, all right,I'll flush it in the toilet.

But then I got to her toiletto flush it,

and the toilet didn't look likeit could for sure handle it.

I was like, I don't wannabe here for two hours, you know,

so I was like, "Fuck it,I'll just go outside.

I'll throw it out outsidein the Dumpster."

So, yeah--so I'm goingdown her steps

to her apartment buildingholding this used condom.

This used no love condomhoping not to

pass of her neighbors.

Like, "Good morning,Mrs. Johnson, enjoy church.

Uh...sorry about this."

And then I got outside.I was about to throw it out,

and then, uh...there wasa homeless lady in the Dumpster.

Yeah, a homeless womanjust rootin' around in there.

I guess that's for surenot a lady,

but, uh...

Yeah, just a homeless womanlookin' for--

I don't know, her mealor whatever.

I don't knowwhat they do in there.

And I'm telling you right now,if I don't trust a used condom

with a regular human woman,

you'll be goddamned if I justgive it to a homeless lady,

and just like, "Hey, don't doanything weird with this."

I mean, that is a cash winfor a homeless person.

That is child supportfor the rest of her life.

That is a lot of--she'd becrazy not to try it, really.

She'd be crazy to notbe like, oh...[mumbles]

The seed of a man with a job?

She'd be like--you ever hear that story

about, like, God sendinga--like the guy drowning...

'cause--anybody religious here?- Yes.

- You knowwhat I'm talking about?

- Amen.- Amen!

Hell yeah, lady.Hell yeah.

We have "ah, men,"but that's okay.

I know what you're saying.

Yeah, where the man was drowningand he prayed to God

to save him--in like the ocean,

and then a rowboat came by--you know this one?

And then, uh, he's like--the rowboat guy's like,

"Hey, get in."He goes, "No, no, no.

God's gonna save me.Beat it."

And the rowboat guy's like,"All right."

And then later, like,a bigger boat came by

and he's like, "Get in."He's like, "No.

Fucking God's gonna save me.Get outta here."

Probably didn't curseas much as I am,

but then a giant ship came byand they're like,

"Get in, you're gonna drown."He goes, "No,

God is gonna save me."And then he left

and then the guyjust fucking drowned.

He just sunk and drowned.Then he got to heaven

and he's like,"God, why didn't you save me?"

And God's like,"What are you talking about?

"I sent a rowboat,and a medium-sized ship,

and a big ship for you."

So that's this homeless lady.She got to heaven.

She'd be like,"How come you never gave me

a hand up?"And God's like,

"I gave you a fuckin' vile...

"of semen of a manwith a home.

"What else do you need meto do?

"Put some of it in now,and save the other half

for when you're ovulating."

So I was like, well, I can'tthrow it out in this Dumpster.

And I was like,"Well, what am I supposed to do

with this condom?"

So I was like,"Fuck it, I'll just--

"I'll just take it homeand I'll throw it out...

when I get home."

Yeah, it was frustratingnot to be able to

deal with thisstupid condom.

So I get in my car.

I put it in the little--the side trashcan of the car.

You know?You don't know?

That's what it's for.It's for like owner's manuals

or maps,but nobody uses that.

It's for when you're donewith a CHEETOS bag.

You're like, "What am I--I'll just fuckin'..."

So I put it in thereand I start driving home.

And I pass--on the way home I pass

my friend at the bus stop,Jayson Thibault.

Yeah, he's my co-hostin that "Punch Drunk" podcast.

And I pulled over.I was like "What are you doing?"

He said, "Well,I'm going to work."

And I was like,"Well, fuck it, man, get it.

I'll give you a ride."He's like, "Really?"

I'm like, "Yeah.I'm in a great mood.

Absolutely.Yeah, I don't mind."

So we start driving--he gets in we start driving

and he goes--he goes,"Where you coming from?

Why are youin such a good mood?"

And--Okay, now, right here...

I probably could havejust told him.

But I thought, like,show him, you know?

It's a way richer wayof telling a story.

Like in grade school,they didn't have "Tell."

They had "Show and Tell."

So he was like,"Where are you coming from?"

so I just reached into the little trash can,

and I got the knotin the condom

like right betweenmy thumb and my forefinger.

I just kinda felt for it,and then I grabbed it,

and then--and then I hit himin the face with it.

Yeah, I came around that way.I didn't want to go this way,

'cause it might hit me,you know? Eew!

And I went around--and it was going fast.

The thing stretchedwhen it was coming around.

Like, it got wider,and then it hit him like...

coming forward.

It made like a--like a that kinda sound.

Like a big slap.

I remember his seatbelt locked.I remember that.

Yeah, as it hit himit was like...

And then the thingwas just dangling there...

And he, uh,he was not happy about it.

No, he was pretty upset.

I've definitelyseen him happier.

Yeah, he was mad.He starts yelling.

He goes,"Did you just hit me...

with a full condom?"

- And I was like, "I mean,I don't know about full.

"Just the little bottom partis full.

"If that's a full condom,you have a very positive way

of looking at the world."

He was mad.He goes,

"That's the gayest thingthat's ever happened to me."

And I go,"Don't say that."

Not 'cause of homophobiaor anything.

He was using itin the right context--

it was to mean homosexual.

And I'm like, "It wasn't gay.It wasn't homosexual.

If you ask me--If you ask me I didn't hit him

with the inside of the condom.

If I turned it inside out,sure.

That's the partthat had my dick in it

and where all the jizzand stuff was.

I hit himwith the outside of the condom.

That came straight fromtouching a vagina.

It got all up in the vagina

and then hit himacross the face.

If anything...

it's the most heterosexual thing

that's every happened to him.

Yeah, it's been 12 years,

and he still does notsee it my way.

All right, I'm done.Thank you very much, everybody.

That's my story.

[cheers and applause]

[dark electronic music]