Kurt Metzger - Hilarious Crimes

Lange, Jackson, Schachter, Melson, Keith, Metzger, Gay Season 2, Ep 1 05/17/2007 Views: 19,839

It's hard to find a reliable motel gynecologist. (2:30)

the weird but true crime section

in the paper wherethey keep the hilarious crimes,

but this guy just got six monthsin jail

for posing as a gynecologistand doing fake exams

in motel roomson the Jersey Turnpike.

He did, like, seven of them,

and you only get six monthsfor that.

That makes it almost worthtrying now, doesn't it?


I... That makes me feel badfor women now,

'cause it has... I...

You know, I don't blamethe victims.

I'm sure it's hard for youto find a reliable,

uh, motel gynecologist.

You know, they don't...

they don't have any McGruffthe Crime Dog,

Warning Signs of Gyno Fraudpamphlets that you can...


"Does your gynecologist havea teardrop tattoo right here?"

"Did he perform the examwith a shoehorn,

and, or Twizzler?"

(laughter and groaning)

"Get your money backif that happens.

That's not cool."


I can't even see you guysthat well.

I need glasses really bad,

and it turns outI can't wear them medically

because my eyebrowsare too ...damn big.

I'm not wearing glasses.

And I got big nostrils, also.

And it looks likeI have a beard,

but that is the shadowof my nostrils.


If I... If I wear glasses,it's going to look

like my eyebrows and nosecame with my damn glasses.

I'm not living my lifelike that.

But, you know, I would never getsurgery to try to fix it,

'cause on TV,it doesn't look worth it.

I saw liposuction.

That's... you ever seehow they do that?

That's, like, violent.

They take the hoseand ram it like that.

They, it looks like they're madat how fat you are.

Like, "Look at this (bleep)!

Look what I got to do 'causeyou don't know how to eat."

That's not cool.

Right in the officewith the doctor,

when he writes on your facewith a marker,

that's when I would haveto leave 'cause I...

I can't take that kind ofjudgment with a pen on my face.

He's like, "Uh... no.

(audience laughs)


"I don't even know what this is.

"I'm just goingto scribble it out.

I'm just going to save timeand write 'pig' on your face."