Dov Davidoff - It All Started Three Weeks Ago

  • Season 11 , Ep 5
  • 01/25/2007
  • Views: 17,237

For the last three weeks, strange things have been happening to Dov Davidoff. (3:36)

WHERE SHOULD WE START? THIS A BIG CEILING.

- I FEEL LIKE--- [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW. I--

LOOK, THIS GIRL I'M SEEING HAS ISSUES WITH YEAST.

- WAIT, NO-- - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, THE POINT IS-- I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL DISCONNECTED.

I LOVE PEOPLE, BUT THEY'RE FREAKIN' ME OUT LATELY.

I FEEL LIKE-- WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR? JOHN?

YOU EVER FEEL LIKETHESE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING,

AND I'M GONNA MOVE AWAY, FAR. IT ALL STARTED THREE WEEKS AGO.

THESE THINGS HAPPEN IN SUCCESSION.

AND I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM THIS WOMAN.

AND IT ITSELF WAS NOTHIN'.

BUT IT JUST STARTED A WHOLE-- SHE GOES, "IS VANESSA THERE?"

AND I SAID, "NAH, I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER."

AND SHE GOES, "ARE YOU SURE?" I WAS LIKE, "YOU RIGHT, THIS IS VANESSA."

AND THEN RIGHT AFTERWARDI WALK INTO A STARBUCKS.

AND THE GUY GOT MY ORDER WRONG, WHICH IS FINE,

BUT HE HAD THIS ATTITUDE. AND I SAID,

"THAT'S THE WRONG DRINK." AND HE SAID,

"SORRY, DUDE, I'M TIRED."AND I WAS LIKE,

"HAVE A FRIGGIN' COFFEE, MAN. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE."

AND THEN THIS IS WHAT DID IT. I WALK OUTSIDE AND SOMEBODY HAD

VANDALIZED MY BICYCLE. THEY CUT MY BICYCLE SEAT.

WHO THE HELL CUTS A BICYCLE SEAT?

YOU REALIZE WHAT LEVEL OF MISERY YOU HAVE TO BE EXPERIENCING

TO SEE MY 10-SPEED TIEDTO A POLE AND THEN JUST BE LIKE,

"LOOK AT THIS RICH BASTARD RIGHT HERE, THIS MOTHER..."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T CUT A MAN'S BICYCLE SEAT,

LIKE I CONTROL THE BANKSBECAUSE I OWN A HUFFY.

YOU'RE GONNA CUT BICYCLE SEAT? IT'S TERRIBLE.

I'VE BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME IN L.A.,

WHICH IS-- JUST FOR WORK.AND I FEEL LOST.

I WAS SITTING IN A COFFEE SHOPAND THIS WOMAN WALKS IN--

WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN? JOHN.THE GIRL WALKS IN AND--

YOU GUYS WANNA BUY SOME WEED?

THE GIR-- NO THE WOMANWALKS IN AND-- [SIGH]--

SHE HAD THE BIGGEST FAKE TITTIES I'VE EVER SEEN. JOHN, THEY WERE THIS BIG,

WITH A HALF TOP AND STUFF WRITTEN THE SHIRT.

AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT LOOK AT 'EM.

AND SHE GOT MAD AT ME. THE WOMAN LITERALLY SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH-- "HEY, IF I STUFF A BALLOON IN MY PANTS AND PAINT

THE BULL'S-EYE ON IT, YOU MIGHT TAKE A SECOND [BLEEP] "PEEK-A-BOO, LUNATIC.

"I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU, BIG TITTIES.

"WHAT ELSE WOULDI BE LOOKING AT?

"YOU GOT CAR UNDER YOUR SHIRT, I'M LOOKING AT YOU. I SAID,

"WHY WOULD YOU GET THEM THAT BIG IF YOU'RE SO SENSITIVE?"

AND SHE GOES, "I DID IT FOR ME."

I WAS LIKE "YOU BUY AN ORTHOPEDIC PILLOW FOR YOU."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DID IT FOR YOU?

I GOT MY BALLS ENLARGED. THEY'RE 12 1/2 POUNDS EACH NOW,

BUT I DIDN'T DO IT FOR ANYBODY ELSE.

IT WAS ALL ME. I LIKE HEAVY NUTS.

I LIKE 'EM TO SWING LIKE A LUNCH BAG WITH, DAH-DAH!

AND THEN PEOPLE JUST DO WACKY STUFF

FOR THE SAKE OF DOING WACKY STUFF.

I WAS STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK OUTSIDE A CLUB, JOHN,

AND THIS DUDE WALKS UP TO ME WEARING A CAPE. AND THEN HE JUST SAID--

"HEY MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?" AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL--

YOU'RE JUST GONNA ASK ME THATLIKE YOU'RE NOT WEARING A CAPE?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"IT'S TIME TO TAKE OFF THAT DUMB ASS CAPE, MAN."

Loading...