Artie Lange - Porn Pool Party - Uncensored

Romance 03/09/2016 Views: 1,543

Artie Lange describes what happened when he went to a pool party in the Hollywood Hills and ended up in the middle of a sexual encounter he never anticipated. (12:28)

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- It's just a crazy fucking scene,

like, right out of"Boogie Nights."

I mean,there's porn going on,

and the pornthat porn people like

is really great shit,you know?

It's, like,"Wow, look at that.

That is reallya flexible midget."

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

- Hello, everybody.

Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,

and tonight,

it's all stories about romance.

[cheers and applause]

This first comic,what an honor to introduce him.

He's absolutely hilarious,a legend in stand-up comedy.

Please give it upfor my friend and yours,

Mr. Artie Lange, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- The next story also involvesthis Rasta guy.

[laughter]

It's--look, I mean, I--look,

I would tell you storiesabout my sister.

Not gonna be as exciting.

[laughter]

All right,so this guy also told me to--

he took me to a coupleof the best parties

I've ever been toin Los Angeles.

I tried to, you know,find, like,

celebrity parties and stuff,

but this--this coke dealer was unreal.

He took me to a coupleof the best parties--

not just LA--I've ever been to in my life.

So this one partyhe takes me to is,

all these porn peoplewere having a party

out in Woodland Hills, okay,in this big fucking house.

These porn peopleare having a pool party.

And we get there,and we walk in,

and...listen.

It's just a crazyfucking scene,

like, right out of"Boogie Nights."

I mean,there's porn going on,

and the pornthat porn people like

is really great shit,you know?

It's, like, you know,De Niro watching

his favorite movies,you know?

It's like,"Wow, look at that.

That is reallya flexible midget."

[laughter]

And...

[laughs]

So we walk in.

It's all this--all this nutty shit.

We walk into a back room,and I'm going there

because he's gonna goget coke for us,

so I'm waiting for him.

We walk into a big room,

where there's basicallyan orgy going on,

you know, and it's the closestthing I've ever seen in my life.

A bunch of people are fuckingin a room, you know,

all over the place,and I'm looking around like,

"Damn," and he goes,"Yeah, man, enjoy yourself.

"I'll be back.You know, I've gonna be--

you know,do my shit for 20 minutes."

I'm like, "All right."

So I start looking around,and I'm just watching, you know.

You know,what am I gonna do?

Just, you know,just push a guy aside

and start fucking?

[laughter]

[laughing]

"Move out of the way,Erik Everhard.

I'm gonna..."

[laughter]

"Artie Lange's backto do some work, motherfucker."

[laughter]

Could you imaginea more disappointing switch

for that woman?

[laughter]

[laughs]

She goes from ecstasyto bursting into tears.

[laughter]

So I look over to the left,and there's a girl, like,

you know, a little older,probably in her 40s.

You know, she's--you know,

she was probably a first-rounddraft pick in 1984, you know?

Now she's got bad knees,ready for a Hall of Fame speech.

[laughter]

[laughs]

But still looking good,like, kept herself in shape.

And she's naked--naked--on all fours, like, doggy-style,

on the couch looking at me,and I'm looking at her.

And her face is sort ofleaning over the couch.

And I'm like, "Damn,"you know, I'm looking at her,

and she goes...

All right, okay.

I walk over,and I go right in front of her,

and I start rubbing her head,and she's, like, you know,

doing, like,this kitty cat thing,

and she was fucked upon some kind of pills.

I don't know.

And she starts unzippingmy pants and taking, you know,

my pants down,and I'm like, okay,

I'm not gonna stop this train.

And, I mean, I just--I just--I got hard immediately.

I was never that hornyin my life.

This--I mean, I--and I'm not a group sex guy.

This is one of the few timesthis happened to me.

[laughter]

And, you know, 'cause I'm--I don't--like,

these people dress hip;they're cool people.

I look--you know,I look like this.

I look like a gym teacher,you know.

[laughter]

But I think she sawwho I was with or whatever.

I don't--I wasn't gonna askany questions.

So she starts to blow me,starts, you know,

you know what blowing is,sucking my dick, and...

[laughter]

For you younger guys.

I don't know whatthe politically correct terms is

for sucking cock these days,but anyway.

So she's blowing me, and I'mhaving fun, like, or whatever.

Now, about a minute into this,a guy who looks like The Rock,

okay,comes over completely naked

and just gets behind her

and starts to fuck herfrom behind.

Now I'm in a threesomethat I didn't ask to be in.

[laughter]

He just starts fucking her,and he's, like, you know,

and she's blowing me,he's fucking her,

and he's looking at me; I'm,like, this far from the guy.

[laughter]

I'm a foot from The Rock,basically,

and I'm like, you know,what do you say?

"How you doing and everything?I, uh..."

[laughter]

[laughs]

"You got any tips for how to actin a thing like this?"

[laughter]

And it's justvery disconcerting.

It's odd;I'm not, like--I mean, again,

I don't want to be--I'm not homophobic or anything,

but--well, maybe I am;I don't know, but, you know.

[laughter]

I mean, what--homophobia,you know, what is "phobia"?

You're--it means you're afraid.

If you asked me,"Art, are you afraid

of getting fucked in the ass?"

[laughter]

I'd have to say yes.

You know, I...

it might be my single biggestfucking fear...

[laughter]

Getting fucked in the ass.

I'm also afraid of heights.

But I'd have to putgetting fucked in the ass

right up there with height.

They both have different thingsthat scare the shit out of me.

Like, with heights,you're up high.

You're looking down.You might fall.

And with getting fuckedin the ass,

you've got a cockin your asshole.

[laughter]

So I just didn't want to get itturned into that situation,

and I'm, like--he couldoverpower me in two seconds,

so I'm just--you know,

I have no shot at this guyif there's a fight.

I'm looking aroundfor the Rasta guy, you know.

You know, he's probably fuckingfive chicks in the back room.

I don't know.

So, you know, I start to recedelike a turtle, as they say.

I'm, like, you know,I really--I was--

I lost my hard-on.I'm like, "I can't do this."

And I said to him, you know,

"I'm done.I don't want to do this."

So now as I'm tryingto pull out, she keeps,

you know,trying to keep me in there.

Okay,this guy was such a pro.

He takes his dickout of her ass,

like you see in a porn, andstarts to jerk off on her back.

Now, I'm looking at this going,"Whoa."

[laughter]

You know,if the movie Clint Eastwood--

the Clint Eastwood movie"In the Line of Fire"...

[laughter]

This is my version of it.

And I'm like, "What the fuckis gonna happen here?"

So he starts to comeon her back,

and he's coming on her back,and I'm like, "This is fine,"

and then he goes like this,like, the last, like, "Uhh."

And a little speck--

a little speckof The Rock's come...

[laughter]

Lands on this leather jack--

I had this $600 leather jacketI bought.

It lands--I see it coming at me.

It's, like, in slow motion,like ehhh.....

like, in--I felt--you know,I felt like Willem Dafoe

at the end of "Platoon,"like, "Ahh!"

[laughter]

It just took its time,ehh, ehh, ehh,

and just a little specklands right on my jacket--

my leather jacket.

And I'm like, "Oh, my God.

"This is the craziest,worst thing

that's ever happened to me."

So I pulled out of this girl.

I ran--I ran into the bathroom.

I tried to, like,boil my jacket,

and I told--I made the mistakeon the way home

of telling the Rasta guy,and again he was just so funny.

I said,"But I think I burned it out."

And he goes, "Man, I'd--I'd burn that motherfucker."

[laughter]

Dead serious,and I said, "All right,"

so I got--I threw the jacket out.

I threw my fucking $600--

$600 leather jacketthe fuck out

because The Rock came on it.

Other than that,it was an amazing fucking party.

Thank you.

[dark electronic music]