John Oliver - We Don't Care About Democracy

  • Season 2 , Ep 6
  • 04/28/2011
  • Views: 32,621

Democracy is like a goldfish -- it's a novelty at first, then it quickly becomes an obligation. (5:53)

THE LONGER WE HAVE DEMOCRACY,THE LESS WE CARE ABOUT IT.

IT'S LIKE GOLDFISH.

IT'S A NOVELTY AT FIRST.

THEN IT QUICKLY BECOMESAN OBLIGATION.

(laughter)

THE PROBLEM WITH DEMOCRACY,ESPECIALLY RECENTLY

WITH THE MIDTERM ELECTIONSIS THIS SHEER LEVEL

OF WHACKJOBBERY ON OFFERIN TERMS OF THE CANDIDATES.

LOOK AT CHRISTINE O'DONELL.

NOW, SHE'S ENTITLEDTO HER VIEWS.

I THINK DEEP DOWN,WE'D ALL AGREE WITH THAT.

ONE OF HER VIEWS,FOR INSTANCE,

IS SHE'S NOT A FANOF THE ART OF MASTURBATION.

AND IT IS AN ART.IT IS AN ART.

(laughter)

SORRY, I TAKE THAT BACK.

IT CAN BE AN ART.

WHEN PRACTICED WITH FLAIR.

NOW SHE CAN THINK THAT,OF COURSE.

SHE CAN SAY THAT.

THE PROBLEMS COME WHEN SHESTARTS TO EXTEND THOSE VIEWS

TO A POINT THAT'S JUSTSCIENTIFICALLY INCORRECT.

FOR INSTANCE, THIS WAS A QUOTEOF HERS FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

SHE SAID, "LUST IN YOUR HEARTIS COMMITTING ADULTERY.

AND YOU CANNOT MASTURBATEWITHOUT LUST."

NOW I'M SORRY...

BUT THAT IS SIMPLYNOT TRUE.

(laughter)

IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLETO MASTURBATE

OUT OF SHEER BOREDOM.

(laughter and applause)

AND FOR HER TO IMPLY OTHERWISEIS NOT OKAY

AND IS TO IGNOREWHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

IN HOTEL ROOMS ACROSS AMERICA--

LONELY MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSMENMASTURBATING

OUT OF A LACKOF ANYTHING ELSE TO DO.

"THERE'S NOTHING ON.THERE IS NOTHING ON.

I'VE SEEN 'THE HANGOVER.'

OKAY.I GUESS WE SHOULD DO THIS."

(laughter)

SHE'S NOT IN TOUCHWITH HER ELECTORATE.

NOW...

(laughter)

AN INTERESTING SIDE NOTETO THAT JOKE

IS I RECENTLY DID IT HEREIN NEW YORK

AT A BENEFIT GIGFOR RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE

AND LOOK,WE CAN GO BACK AND FORTH

DEBATING WHETHER IT WAS THE TIMEOR THE PLACE FOR THAT JOKE.

(laughter)

IT'S TOO SOON TO--HISTORY WILL BE MY JUDGE.

BUT IT WASA VERY DIVERSE CROWD.

THERE WERE A LOTOF MUSLIM PEOPLE IN THERE,

AND THERE WAS A WOMAN ATTHE FRONT SITTING MORE OR LESS

RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE,AND SHE WAS WEARING HIJAB,

AND SHE WAS LAUGHINGBUT HAD A HAND OVER HER MOUTH

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT ANYONETO SEE THAT SHE WAS LAUGHING

AT A JOKE THAT WAS THAT RUDE,AND I SAID TO HER,

"PLEASE MOVE YOUR HAND AWAY.PLEASE MOVE YOUR HAND.

"LOOK. LOOK AROUND YOU.YOU'RE IN A COMEDY CLUB.

YOU'RE JUST NOTTHAT GOOD A MUSLIM."

(laughter)AND--

AND THERE WAS A STONE SILENCEMUCH LIKE THE ONE

YOU ENJOYED THERE FOLLOWEDBY A WAVE

OF THE MOST CATHARTIC LAUGHTERI'VE EVER HEARD.

SHE THREW HER HEAD BACKLAUGHING,

AND LOOKING AT HER,I HAD A LUMP IN MY THROAT.

AND I REALIZEDIT CANNOT BE EASY

BEING A MUSLIM INAMERICA AT THE MOMENT

WITH SOME OF THE CRAZIER VIEWSTHAT ARE AVAILABLE TO YOU.

FOR INSTANCE, THERE ARE SOMEPEOPLE IN AMERICA

THAT CANNOT TELLTHE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MUSLIMS

OF WHICH THERE ARE HUNDREDSOF MILLIONS

AND TERRORISTS.

NOW JUST THINK FOR A SECOND

ABOUT QUITEHOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS.

THAT'S LIKE IF THE MUSLIM WORLDCOULD NOT DIFFERENTIATE

BETWEEN AMERICAN PEOPLE

AND PROFESSIONALBASEBALL PLAYERS.

(laughter)

(applause)VERY, VERY FEW AMERICANS

ARE PROFESSIONALBASEBALL PLAYERS

AND IT'S ALSO IMPORTANTTO POINT OUT

THAT NOT ALL PROFESSIONALBASEBALL PLAYERS

ARE ACTUALLY AMERICAN.

(laughter)

THAT'S A BETTER JOKETHAN YOU GAVE IT CREDIT FOR,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO--I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE.

THE POINT IS--THE POINT IS,

SHOULD WE BE AS FRIGHTENEDOF TERRORISTS AS WE ARE?

I WOULD ARGUE NOBECAUSE WHILE, YES, ON ONE HAND,

TERRORISTS ARE SCARY,ON THE OTHER HAND,

THEY ARE ALSO(bleep) IDIOTS,

AND THAT SHOULD GIVE US A SENSEOF CALM IN A WAY.

I CAN PROVE THIS TO YOUIF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED.

SIX MONTHS AGOIN SAUDI ARABIA,

A SUICIDE BOMBER MANAGED TO GETCLOSE TO A SAUDI PRINCE

AND HE DID THIS BY HIDINGA BOMB INSIDE HIM.

HE MANAGED TO GET EXPLOSIVESAND A DETONATOR INSIDE HIS ANUS

AND HE DETONATED THAT BOMBKILLING NOBODY

APART FROM HIMSELF.

A LOT.

(laughter)

AND...

WHEN I FIRST HEARDTHAT STORY,

MY INSTINCTIVE REACTIONWAS THAT IS DEFINITELY

THE WORLD'S GREATESTMISSED OPPORTUNITY

FOR A-PULL-MY-FINGER JOKE.

(laughter and applause)

DO IT.

DO IT. DO IT.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.DO IT. DO IT.

I PROMISE, I PROMISEIT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

PLEASE, PLEASE DO IT.PLEASE DO IT.

(laughter)

BUT IN A WAY, THAT ALSOSHOWS WHAT WE'RE UP AGAINST

'CAUSE THAT MEANS THAT LAST YEARSOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD,

THERE WAS A MAN IN A WINDOWLESSBASEMENT SOMEWHERE

GRIPPING THE SIDE OF A TABLE

WITH HIS PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES SAYING, "WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

"LET ME THINK MYSELFINTO THIS BEFORE WE GO THROUGH.

"I HATE THE WEST.I HATE THE WEST.

"I ABSOLUTELY HATE THE WEST.

"WHO HATES THE WEST? I DO.THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

"I HATE THE W--WAIT! WAIT!WAIT! WAIT!

"BE GENTLE BACK THERE!

JESUS CHRIST!"

(laughter)

(applause)

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