David Feldman - Giving Back

  • Season 7 , Ep 19
  • 06/19/2003
  • Views: 1,077

David Feldman does the Lord's work. (2:26)

YOU KNOW EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT

DEADBEAT DADS.

WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS WHO JUST

AREN'T WORTH THE CHILD SUPPORT?

[LAUGHTER]

AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

[LAUGHTER]

DEADBEAT KIDS!

WHY CAN'T MY 3-YEAR-OLD GET

A JOB?

MY SNEAKERS WERE MADE BY A

2-YEAR-OLD IN BURMA.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, YOU MAY NOT LIKE ME,

YOUNG LADY, BUT YOU WILL RESPECT

ME.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE I SERVED THIS COUNTRY

WHILE YOU WERE STILL CUTTING

THOSE TEETH.

THAT'S RIGHT, PERSIAN GULF.

AIR FORCE.

F-16.

STEWARDESS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M A GOOD PERSON.

I DO THE LORD'S WORK.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ABOUT ME?

EVERY WEEKEND I'M DOWN AT

THE BRAILLE INSTITUTE,

DESCRIBING PORNOGRAPHIC

PICTURES.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M WORKING ON A VACCINE

FOR POLIO.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW WE ALREADY HAVE ONE,

BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GOTTA GIVE SOMETHING BACK.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR

GENERATION, YOU JUST TAKE.

NOT ME.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF PRESIDENT

JIMMY CARTER?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF HIS

HABITAT FOR HUMANITY?

THEY BUILT MY SUNDECK.

[LAUGHTER]

I GIVE.

USUALLY THIS IS BETWEEN ME

AND MY MAKER, BUT I'LL SHARE IT

WITH YOU.

TWENTY-EIGHT PERCENT OF WHAT

I'M EARNING TONIGHT, I AM GIVING

TO THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE WELCOME.

SEE, I'M LIKE A MOTIVATIONAL

SPEAKER.

NOTICE HOW MUCH BETTER YOU FEEL

SINCE I'VE BEEN UP HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE,

YOUNG PEOPLE.

BUT FIRST YOU MUST DREAM

THE DREAM.

MY GRANDMOTHER, 86 YEARS OLD,

JUST ENTERED MEDICAL SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S A CADAVER.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND SHE IS LIVING DEATH

TO THE FULLEST.

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