John Oliver - Douchebag Statistics

Morgan Murphy, Seth Herzog, Rory Scovel Season 4, Ep 4 08/16/2013 Views: 12,186

John Oliver proves that immigration is mathematically beneficial to the American population. (2:09)

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still has the capacityto inflame people.

And it doesn't make any sense,especially here.

America is a country

built on immigration.

And, you know,as a recent immigrant

that technically makes memore American than you are.

You did not like that one bit,did you?

You-- You weren'teven willing

to buy into the premiseof that joke.

Ah, yeah, but no,though.

Except take that back.That is not true.

It doesn't make sense.

Immigration,throughout history,

has overwhelminglybeen a good thing.

You can prove thismathematically.

In fact, I actually triedto crunch the numbers

before I came on stage.

Next time someone'stalking to you

and they seem terrifiedabout immigration

without being ableto fully explain why,

try and reassure themlike this.

Immigration is mathematicallya good thing.

Let's-- Let's lookat the facts.

In the average country,

13.4% of the adultpopulation are douche bags.

That's a generousfigure.

Total unremittingdouche bags.

However, that leaves 86.6%who are not douche bags.

Now, it's a well-known factthat a douche bag

is less likely to wantto live somewhere else

than someone who isn'ta douche bag.

They just sit at homeand fester in their douchiness.

So, the more immigrantsthat America allows in,

the further thedouche-to-non-douche balance

in this countrytips towards the non-douches.

Conversely,those nations

where from the non-doucheimmigrants are emigrating

are left with a higherpercentage of douche bags,

making those who arenot douches in those countries

more likely to want to leaveand come to live here.

Thus, by the processof inverse douche osmosis,

America becomes the leastdouchy country in the world.



That's mathematics.

You can't arguewith mathematics.