Meet the Newest Hillary Clinton

July 28, 2016 - Mark Leibovich 07/28/2016 Views: 17,982

Desi Lydic looks back at Hillary Clinton's often-tumultuous political career and examines the latest version of the Democratic presidential hopeful. (5:05)

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We're live in Philadelphia.

Uh, Hillary Clinton, of course,just accepted

the Democratic nominationfor president.

But before she did,delegates viewed a short film

making the casefor her candidacy.

Now, they had Morgan Freeman.

And we also madea-a Hillary film,

and we don't understandwhy the DNC turned it down.

-♪ -WOMAN: What does it mean to be the best?

Does it mean you run the fastest?

Work the hardest?

Be the honestest?

Is the best that dream you can't stop reaching for?

Or is the best simply the one thing that's better

than whatever else there is?

Meet Hillary, the best you're going to get.

(start-up chime)

When I heard we were relaunchingHillary for 2016,

I thought, "Wow.

They are, they are reallycommitted to this product."

It's a commitment to success.

And success canbe more than just,

"How much do people wantto buy this product?"

It can also mean what elseis even available to buy?

After our failed 2008 launch,

we went back to the drawing board.

And after eight long years, we think she's ready.

The new Hillary is the most stable,

the most capable, the most reliable.

Did we mention stable?

Hillary is our glass of water in the desert.

Does it have ice and cucumbers in it?

No, but look, do you want the water or not?

The point is, people really like her.

Take it from this satisfied customer.

You're likeable enough, Hillary.

Thank you so much.

It's not only the operatingsystem that's changed.

One of the things that we'veworked really hard

to get right this timeis the exterior packaging.

We wanted a look that saidclass and sophistication,

which is why we have her dressedlike one of the Kings of Comedy.


For the 2016 Hillary, we'veintroduced so many upgrades.

Tweaking some features,

and completelyreengineering others.

This TPP sets the gold standardin trade agreements.

We should reject any agreements

like theTrans-Pacific Partnership.

Do you think New York Stateshould recognize gay marriage?


No, okay.


I support marriage for lesbianand gay couples.

I'm a progressive who actuallylikes to make progress.

You know, I get accused

of being kind of moderateand center.

I plead guilty.

By the way, that guilty pleais not legally binding.

I just want to make that clear.

Hillary Clinton is a womanwith absolutely no convictions

about anything.

And I think that's honorablefor a presidential candidate

to have not gone to prison.

When it comes to design features,

one of the most revolutionary things about Hillary

is something that's always been there.

Hillary is a woman.

For over 200 years,

candidates only had one kind of connector.

But History's board is designed differently.

She has a v-drive.

Until now, everyone thought these ports

made the entire system undesirable,

so there was no market for this.

Even though half the world has v-drives,

and we literally all came out of a v-drive,

you stupid (bleep).

She's very hip.

You may have seen thatI recently launched

a Snapchat account.

I'm just chillingin Cedar Rapids.

But I'm trying to figure out

how we get them to havePokémon Go to the polls.

What's something that you alwayscarry with you?

Hot sauce. Hot sauce. Hot sauce.

That's right.

She carries hot sauce in her bag.

You know who else does that?


So basically, the new Hillary Clinton

is exactly like Beyoncé in every single way.


But ultimately,with a popular product,

and I don't really carehow you define popular,

you need consistencyas well as evolution.

And some things about Hillarywill never change.

66% of Americans don't thinkshe's trustworthy.

They think you're dishonest.

He doesn't trust you.

Americans think that youare not honest.

How did you get in this messwhere your whole credibility

is being questioned?

Oh, I ask myself that every day.

She's wise yet incredibly foolish.

She's investigated yet mysterious.

She's a former secretary yet bad with e-mail.

And most importantly, she's not Donald Trump.

Here's Hillary herself.

So I'm going to votefor "X" or "Y,"

um, not because I thinkthat person is perfect,

but it's going to be betterthan the alternative,

and if you can't get excited,be pragmatic and do it anyway.

Hillary-- do it anyway.

Available for preorder November 8.