DeRay - Not Scary

Morris, Carter, DeRay, Larkin Season 4, Ep 0409 12/11/2000 Views: 9,034

DeRay was never a very scary person. (3:01)

YOU KNOW, BEING LIGHT-SKINNED

AND ALL WITH BRAIDS.

(CHEERING)

Y'ALL SCARED?

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S A DAMN SHAME.

A BLACK MAN ONLY HE CAN'T EVEN

SCARE NO WHITE PEOPLE.

IT'S MESSED UP, TOO.

I GREW UP IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD,

RIGHT, IN CHICAGO.

NOBODY WAS SCARED OF ME.

I TRIED TO ROB A WHITE DUDE

ONCE, I WAS LIKE, "GIVE ME YOUR

WALLET."

HE'S LIKE "PSSHT.

GIVE ME YOUR WALLET."

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T MIND GROWING UP BROKE,

MAN.

IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE

GROWING UP BROKE IN THE HOOD,

THOUGH.

MY MOTHER'D STILL TRY TO HAVE

RULES.

HOW YOU GONNA HAVE RULES GROWING

UP IN THE PROJECTS?

SHE USED TO WANT US TO COME IN

AND TAKE OUR SHOES OFF,

BUT OUR CARPET WAS DIRTY.

I'M LIKE, "I AIN'T MESSING MY

SOCKS UP."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE NEVER THREW ANYTHING AWAY,

EITHER.

SHE USED TO KEEP EVERYTHING

FOREVER.

OLD MILK.

MILK'S SO OLD, THE KID ON

THE SIDE OF THE BOX GROWN UP,

HAVING KIDS OF HIS OWN.

I'M LIKE, "MAMA, THEY FOUND HIM.

THIS IS THE LANDLORD, LOOK AT

HIS FACE."

WHATEVER WE DIDN'T HAVE,

WE PRETENDED WE HAD.

LIKE A FATHER.

MY MOTHER USED TO ALWAYS LIE

TO ME.

"HE AT WORK."

"ALL THE TIME, MAMA?"

SOMETIMES SHE'D CLOSE

THE BEDROOM DOOR, TELL ME,

"HE RESTING."

"DAMN, CAN'T WE MEET HIM?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M LIKE, "WHAT HE LOOK LIKE?"

"HE LOOK LIKE ALL Y'ALL."

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU GREW UP

IN A GHETTO HOUSE.

YOU BE SAYING STUFF LIKE,

"MY SISTER'S DADDY COOL."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

HOLIDAYS WAS MESSED UP.

LIKE HALLOWEEN, I HATED

HALLOWEEN.

WE NEVER COULD AFFORD A COSTUME.

NEVER.

NEVER.

ONE YEAR WE WERE SO BROKE,

MY MOTHER MADE US BE EXPRESSIONS

FOR HALLOWEEN.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M LIKE, "MA, WHAT AM I GONNA

BE?"

SHE SAID, "C'MERE."

SHE FIX MY FACE UP, "WHAT AM I?"

"CONFUSED.

NOW, GET YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE."

(LAUGHTER)

WE'D GO TRICK-OR-TREATING,

EVERYBODY, "WHAT'S YOUR SISTER?"

"SURPRISED."

(LAUGHTER)

I HATED GOING TO SCHOOL, TOO,

MAN.

THAT'S WHEN YOU REALLY FIND OUT

YOU'RE POOR, WHEN YOU GO TO

SCHOOL.

'CAUSE ALL THE OTHER LITTLE KIDS

HAD STUFF.

MY MOTHER NEVER LET US KNOW

WE WAS BROKE.

A LITTLE KID HAD TO LET ME KNOW.

I WAS SITTING DOWN ONE DAY,

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS,

EATING MY FREE LUNCH...

(LAUGHTER)

AND THIS LITTLE BAD KID WALKS

UP.

HE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT ME,

HE JUST HAD A LOT OF QUESTIONS

I COULDN'T ANSWER.

HE'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU

NEW?"

I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, I'M NEW."

"THAT'S THE ONLY THING NEW ABOUT

YOU."

>> AUDIENCE: AHHH.

>> DERAY: "WHAT KIND OF SHIRT

IS THAT?

WHAT KIND OF POLO SHIRT IS THAT?

WHY THE HORSE ON ONE SIDE

AND THE MAN ON THE OTHER?"

(LAUGHTER)