Mike Vecchione - Problem Solver

CC Presents: Mike Vecchione Season 15, Ep 12 03/04/2011 Views: 5,820

Mike Vecchione was bad in algebra because he didn't like his numbers and words mixed. (2:39)

I'm not a weed guy.

I can't do it--I get too paranoid.

I don't have anythingmoral against it.

I get too paranoid.

Last time I smoked it,my dog broke a mirror.

I freaked out.

I was like, oh, my god, ishe gonna get seven years

or forty-nine years justbecause he's a dog?

I'm not a math guy--I'm not a math guy.

You know what?

I shouldn't say that,'cause I am good in math.

I was good in math,good in English.

You know whatI was bad in?

Algebra.

I was bad in algebra, 'causeI like my letters and words.

I like my numbersand problems.

I don't like 'em mixed.

Some things in my lifeI like on their own.

I don't like 'em mixed.

I like gay people--I like porno.

I do not like gay porno,for the same reasons

I don't like algebra.

I don't know what plugs intowhere for what reasons.

[applause]

'Cause I can solve problems,not in the way

the teacher in algebra wantedme to solve the problem.

She put the problemon the board.

"'X' plus seven equalsfifteen.

"Solve the problem."

I'm like, "you want meto solve the problem?"

I went up,I erased the board.

I'm like,"problem solved, bitch.

"Let's get some pizza.

"Stop playingthese games, baby.

"Let's do somefractions, baby.

"Take the reciprocal--Flip the script.

"Let's do that fractiondoggy-style,

"improper fraction.

"Let's make that fractionso filthy and improper."

She just kept puttin'the problems up on the board.

I just kept following her,erasing the problems.

Then, she'sgonna yell at me.

I'm like, "number one,attack the problem,

"not the person.

"That's the first ruleof problem-solving.

"And 'B,' you kinda seemlike you're a troublemaker,

"'Cause you're coming up withall these fake problems,

"and it's really cuttinginto our pizza time."

She's like, "you can't listthings one and then 'B.'

"It's one and twoor 'A' and 'B'."

I'm like, "oh, you don'tlike it when I mix numbers

"and letters together, like youdo in algebra, you hypocrite?"

[applause]

She was trying to teach medon't be afraid of the letters.

She's like, "don'tbe afraid of 'X.'

"'X' is a variable--It's an unknown.

"That's all it is,a variable or an unknown."

I'm like,"not to me.

"To me, 'X' is the rating ofa movie that I enjoy watching

"in the comfortsof my own home.

"'Cause that guy in thatmovie, that pizza guy,

"he is a problem solver.

"He can solve the problems ofa MILF and a hungry babysitter,

"at the same time,with one thing,

"and that one thingis sausage.

"'X' equals sausage."

[applause]

Apparently, "X" doesnot equal sausage,

'Cause I got an"F" in algebra.

I took it home--My mom was furious.

She's like,"you failed algebra?"

I'm like, "that-that'snot what that means.

"That's a 'F.'

"It's a variable--It's an unknown.