Anthony Jeselnik - All I Want for Christmas

  • Season 2 , Ep 3
  • 04/07/2011
  • Views: 77,661

The only thing Anthony Jeselnik wanted for Christmas was an Xbox, but his girlfriend gave him something homemade instead. (3:33)

I TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND FOR MONTHSIN ADVANCE, MONTHS,

I SAID, "BABY, ALL I WANTFROM YOU THIS YEAR IS AN XBOX.

"THAT'S IT.

BEGINNING AND END OF LIST--THE XBOX."

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GOT ME?

A HOMEMADE FRAMEWITH A PICTURE OF US...

(laughter)

FROM OUR FIRST DATE TOGETHER.

(crowd aws)

WHICH WAS FINE.

(laughter)

BECAUSE I GOT HER AN XBOX.

(laughter and applause)

GOOD CROWD.

MY GIRLFRIEND MAKES MEWANNA BE A BETTER PERSON

SO I CAN GETA BETTER GIRLFRIEND.

(laughter)

(applause)

MY LITTLE BROTHERIS IN SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.

AND WE WERE CLOSE,

BUT SOMETIMESHE'LL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT.

LIKE THE OTHER DAY HE CALLS MEUP AND GOES,

"ANTHONY, I JUST CUT SCHOOLFOR NO REASON,

"AND NOW I NEED YOUTO WRITE ME A SICK NOTE

"AND THENFORGE DAD'S SIGNATURE.

AND MAKE IT GOOD."

I DID MY BEST,

BUT I'M HORRIBLEAT STUFF LIKE THAT.

TEACHER TOOK ONE LOOKAT THE NOTE AND SAID,

"MIKEY, YOU EXPECT METO BELIEVE THIS?

YOU DON'T HAVE AIDS."

(laughter)

NOW... IF YOU GUYS LIKE THAT AIDS JOKE...

(laughter)

I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS.

YOU ARE GONNA DO BACKFLIPS...

OVER THIS NEXT AIDS JOKE.

I JUST GOT A LETTER FROMAN EX-GIRLFRIEND OF MINE

TELLING ME THAT SHE HAS AIDS.

AND I DIDN'T KNOWHOW TO COMFORT HER.

SO I JUST WROTE BACK,"I KNOW."

(laughter)

MY GIRLFRIEND NOWIS PRETTY COOL.

ONE OF THE GOOD ONES,I THINK.

IF I HAD TO NITPICK,I'D SAY SOMETIMES

SHE'SA LITTLE TOO SENSITIVE.

LIKE THE OTHER DAYSHE GOT HER HAIR CUT,

GOT TWO INCHES TRIMMEDOFF OF HER HAIR

AND THEN CAME HOMEAND CRIED ABOUT IT

FOR TWO HOURS.

OVER A HAIRCUT.I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

SO FINALLY, I WENT TO HER.I SAID, "BABY,

WHAT ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT?IT'S JUST A HAIRCUT.

I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOTTA FINDA NEW GIRLFRIEND."

(laughter)

SHE GOT MAD.

SHE GOT REALLY MAD,LIKE--SHE GOT REALLY MAD

LIKE, A MONTH AGO'CAUSE SHE HAD E-MAILED ME

A NAKED PICTURE OF HERSELF,

WHICH IS A NICE THINGTO DO.

BUT THEN I MESSED UP

AND I ACCIDENTALLYFORWARDED THAT E-MAIL

TO BOTH OF MY PARENTS.

NOW,MY GIRLFRIEND IS FURIOUS,

LIKE, MORTIFIED,BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE

'CAUSE NOW I'VE GOTTO CALL UP MY MOTHER AND SAY,

"MOM, I AM SO SORRY.

THAT PICTUREWAS JUST FOR DAD."

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