Paul F. Tompkins - Poor Story, Heather

  • Season 1 , Ep 6
  • 02/12/2010
  • Views: 10,994

Paul F. Tompkins comes to the conclusion that you are never ready to see Fabio. (4:19)

LET'S PUNK-ROCK IT!

(laughter)

LET ME GET A LITTLE JAUNTYWHILE I TALK TO YOU GUYS.

(laughter)

LET'S GET A LITTLE JAUNTIER.

OH, LADIES.

UM, I...(laughter)

I'M A VERY SUCCESSFULSTAND-UP COMEDIAN.

I'M THE LAST ONE TONIGHT,WHICH MEANS I'M THE BEST ONE.

BUT IT WAS NOT EVER THUS.

(laughter)

ONE TIME IN MY LIFE,I STRUGGLED AND SCRAPED

AND SCRAMBLED AND SCRAPPEDAND SCREWED AND...

SCREECHED...(laughter)

(laughs)

JUST TRYING TO GET BYAND COME UP WITH S-C-R WORDS.

(laughter)

WHEN I FIRST MOVED TOLOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA,

TO START MY BIG-TIMESHOW BUSINESS CAREER,

I WORKED AT A VIDEO STOREIN WEST HOLLYWOOD

WHERE FAMOUS PEOPLE WOULDCOME IN FROM TIME TO TIME.

NOW THIS IS VERY EXCITING.

BECAUSE FAMOUS PEOPLEARE OUR BETTERS.

SO YOU CAN IMAGINEHOW THRILLED I WAS

TO LOOK AT THEM AND TOUCHTHE HEMS OF THEIR GARMENTS.

(laughter)

WELL, ONE DAY,I'M STANDING THERE AT WORK,

AND A CO-WORKER OF MINECOMES IN,

AND SHE'S DOUBLED OVERLAUGHING.

SHE'S CRACKING UP,TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER FACE.

I SAID,"HEATHER, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"

HER NAME WAS HEATHER.(laughter)

NOT IMPORTANT TO THE STORY,

BUT I LIKE TO HUMANIZETHE CHARACTERS.

I SAID, "HEATHER,WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"

AND SHE GOES, "OH, MY GOD.

"MY BOYFRIEND AND IWERE JUST AT A STOP LIGHT

"AND THEN MY BOYFRIENDSTARTED LAUGHING

"AND I SAID,'WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?'

"AND HE SAID, 'LOOK WHO'SIN THE CAR NEXT TO US.'

AND I LOOKED,AND IT WAS FABIO."

(laughter)

AND I SAID, "SO WHAT?

"THAT IS A POOR STORY,HEATHER.

I GUESSYOU HAD TO BE THERE."

(laughter)

WELL, A COUPLE DAYS GO BY,I'M AT WORK,

STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER,

HATING MYSELF, I GUESS,I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.

THESE ARE THESE BIG GLASS DOORSIN FRONT OF THE STORE,

I LOOK UPFROM MY SELF-HATRED,

AND WHO IS WALKINGINTO OUR STORE...

BUT FABIO?(laughter)

AND I CRACKED UP.

(laughter)

BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVERREADY TO SEE FABIO!

(laughter)EVER!

I DON'T CARE IF YOU WAKE UPTHAT DAY, AND YOU'RE LIKE,

I BETTER STEEL MYSELF'CAUSE I MIGHT SEE FABIO TODAY.

YOU'LL CRUMBLE. YOU'LL FOLD.YOU WILL LAUGH AT HIM.

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZEDTHAT IT THIS GUY'S LIFE,

EVERYWHERE HE GOESPEOPLE LAUGHING IN HIS FACE.

(Italian accent) OH, I THINKFABIO'S GOING TO HAVE FUN

AT THE PARTY TONIGHT!

FABIO'S GOING TO MAKESOME NEW FRIENDS FOR ONCE.

(audience aws)

(laughs hysterically)

(normal voice)THE VERY IDEA OF YOU!

(chuckles)HE THINKS HE'S A PERSON.

(laughter)

(Italian accent)NO, NO...

DO NOT LAUGH AT FABIO.

FABIO HAVE A-FEELING.

(inhales sharply)PUNY HUMAN!

FABIO SMASH!

(laughter)

(normal voice)REMEMBER THAT TIME

WHEN FABIO WENTON THAT RAMPAGE

AND THEY HAD TO CALL INTHE NATIONAL GUARD?

THAT'S RIGHT,YOU DON'T REMEMBER,

'CAUSE THEY HUSHED IT UP!

(laughter)

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