Mark Normand - Desperate for a Shower - Uncensored

Romance 03/09/2016 Views: 3,709

Mark Normand reveals what happened when he didn't have hot water for a week and had to ask a teacher if he could shower at her apartment. (13:04)

Watch Full Episode

- We were, like,face-to-face right here,

and she was like,"Yeah, this is,"

you know, blah, blah, blah,and I was like,

"Oh, it's really pretty,"

and then she looks meright in the eye,

and I swear to God she says,"I want you to come in my face."

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

- Hello, everybody.

Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,

and tonightit's all stories about romance.

[cheers and applause]

All right,ladies and gentlemen,

he's got an amazing podcastin iTunes

called "Tuesdays with Stories."

Please give it up for Mr. Mark Normand, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- So here we go,story time.

I--I decided I wanted to goto film school in New York City,

so I moved there and movedto Crown Heights, Brooklyn,

with 400 bucks in my pocket.

It was a horrible year.

I got mugged three timesin a year,

my landlord died of AIDS,

and the first dayI got my apartment,

there was a pigeon in there.

Yeah, probably should haveclosed with the AIDS, but yeah.

So if you don't knowCrown Heights,

it's this crazy neighborhoodway out in Brooklyn.

It's got a highway dividing it.

It's all Hasidic Jewon this side,

all Caribbean blackon this side,

so obviously,I moved into the black side.

Yeah.

There were two apartmentsavailable,

but I'm not gonna livewith Hasidic people.

I mean, come on.

What's going on there?

I don't want--how many landlords do you want?

You know what I mean?Like, Jesus Christ, you know.

And nothing against Jews.I love Jews.

My ex-girlfriend's Jewish;I love Ari,

you know, show business,ahh, but, you know,

I would come home drunk a lotat, like, 5:00 in the morning,

and these Jewswould pull up in their minivan,

and they'd slide the door open,like,

"You're on the wrong side.Get in."

And I was like,"I'm not Jewish."

And they would justpeel right off.

Yeah,they were a tough bunch.

They're very loyal.

So I lived in this apartment,the worst apartment of all time.

Periodically,the hot water would go out,

the electricity would go out,and the heat would go out.

It was the dead of winter.

So I'm going to film schoolevery day.

It's, like, an hour commuteback to Manhattan every day

from my apartment,and I wake up one Monday

to go to school--no hot water.

I was like, "Eh,I didn't shower all weekend,

"but I can go one more day.

It's cold out,"you know?

I go to school.

Tuesday I wake up,no hot water.

"Eh, I can't take a showerin cold weather with cold water.

I'll just go to school."

Wednesday rolls around,no hot water.

"Ah, I'll be all right."

Now I'm the smelly guyat school, you know?

I'm the--it was brutal.I was that guy, you know.

So I'm kind ofgetting desperate.

Thursday comes, zero,no hot water, nothing, no heat.

It's like, "Ahh," but I'm late,so I just go to school.

Finally, Friday,I get desperate.

I wake up early.

I'm like,"I'm putting water in a pot,

"I'm gonna boil it, and I'mgonna just take a whore bath

right in the kitchen,"you know?

Yeah.

So the heat's out,the electricity is out,

and the hot water is out,so I just go, "Ah, God damn it."

So I'm in the kitchenin the dark

just pouring water into a pot.

I start boiling it, you know,in the dark,

and I just kind of start bathingmyself, and it felt amazing.

I was so gross, and the lightsclick on just then,

and the pot had been usedby my roommate

to cook Stove Top Stuffing inthe night before.

So now I'm--not onlydo I have terrible B.O.

I'm covered in 11 herbsand spices, you know?

I got--I got all theselittle things on me,

little green things,and garlic here.

It was a mess,so now I'm desperate.

I run to the train.I have no time to clean up.

I'm already late.So I run to the train.

And I get on the train.It's packed out.

I'm the only white guyon the train,

and all these black guysare sniffing me,

you know, like,"What is that?

"Is this hobo Thanksgiving?What's going on here?"

So I'm like, "I don't know.Somebody probably farted.

It is November.I don't know."

Yeah, so I get to school,and now I'm desperate.

I'm going aroundasking everybody

if I can shower at their place,you know,

teachers, students, whatever.

I'm just freaking out.

Everybody says no.I'm, like, a weirdo.

People are looking at me funny.

And eventually,I get to Mrs. Fritz.

Now, I'll paint the pictureof Mrs. Fritz.

She was the--the horror makeup lady.

She, like,did all that horror shit,

you know, and she wasa kooky gal, you know.

She had, like, a beehive hairdo,Lisa Loeb glasses.

She would have, like,watermelons on her dress,

and then watermelon earrings.

You know, she was a full-classkook, you know, like,

half art teacher, half hipster,all nutjob, you know?

She was fun.

But she was attractivein her own right.

She was probably 40,41 years old, nice lady,

and I was like,"Hey, Mrs. Fritz,

"you're gonna kill me,but just feel free to say no.

Can I shower at your place?"

And she goes, "Yeah, sure.What do I care?"

And meanwhile,this is a 41-year-old woman.

You know, she's a teacher.People give her apples.

You know, like,I'm a 21-year-old idiot.

I've got, like, a propeller hatand a big lollipop.

I was nothing,you know.

So I was like,"Oh, my God.

Thank you so much.I'm so excited."

And I know people are thinking,like,

"Mark, your hot water's outfor a week.

"You get no electricity.

Why didn't you just tellyour landlord?"

Well, it's a little awkwardcomplaining to your landlord

about hot waterwhen he has AIDS.

Yeah, it's a tough one.What am I gonna say?

"I got not hot water."

"Well,I don't have an T-cells."

"Cool, all right, yeah, got it.

Yeah," so, you know,and this was--

he wasn't, like, Magic Johnson.

He was, like,fuckin' "Dallas Buyers Club."

He was, uh, it was a bad.

I'm talking "Rent,""Philadelphia,"

full-blown, baby, yeah,so...nice guy, sweet kid.

So I'm all excited.

"I'm gonna go toMrs. Fritz's house.

I'm gonna take a real shower."

I hit the buzzer.She buzzes me in.

I go up to her place,amazing apartment, unbelievable.

She's was like a real adult.

She had pictures in a frameand curtains.

It was wild,you know.

Every light bulb worked,no stains, crazy, real adult.

And I go into her kitchen,giant table laid out,

you know, all these place mats,like, wine glass,

regular glass, two plates,forks, knives, the whole thing.

It was crazy; she was havinga dinner party at 8:00.

So she was like,"Hey, you can shower,

but you've got to get in,get out," you know.

I was like, "No problem."It was, like, 6:30.

I was like,"I'll be out of here by 8:00.

You've got a dinner party.No problem."

So I was like,"All right, here we go.

Let's get in that shower."

She goes, "Well,have a glass of wine first."

I was like,"Eh, all right, you know,

I'll have a glass of wine."

Then I had another oneand another one,

and we're talking about lifeand love and the arts,

you know, and I--you know,all this stuff,

and I just hadgot out of college,

so I had a couple tricksup my anal, you know.

I was ready to go,you know, and she...

just talking about everything.

We're laughing.We're having a great time.

And this is, like, a--this is, like,

a real woman here,you know?

Like, I'm--I'm a 21-year-olddrunk from New Orleans.

The only peopleI've hooked up with are, like,

bar skanks and cousins,you know,

nothing crazy,you know?

So...so I'm intimidated by her.

She's, like,successful and smart and clever

and interesting and all that;I was blown away.

And so we're drinking,and we're having a great time,

and she goes, "You know,I'm making some paella here."

She had, like, eight pots going,all this food.

And I'm like, "Well, like,I've got to skedaddle

"here, sister;I can't be eating.

You've got dinner partycoming over, you know."

She was like, "Don't worry aboutit; you've got plenty of time.

It's, like, 7:00."I was like, "All right."

So I had the paella; it'samazing, unbelievable, so good.

Everything's great.We're laughing.

And she pours another glassof wine.

And I was like,"Look, it's 7:30.

I've got to get in the shower."

And she goes, "All right,all right, all right,"

and she had everythingin there, you know,

like, soap,and so then I...

so...unbelievable,real adult.

So I'm like, "Oh, wow,this is great, all right."

So I remember, you know,laughing.

She hands me a towel.We're having a great time.

She's so nice.

And I remember taking a shower,

being in her bathroomjust like...

"Am I gonna--am I gonna fuck Ms. Fritz?

"No, no, come on.She's a 58-year-old woman.

"What, are you crazy?Get out of here.

She's got a dinner partyon the way over."

So I was like, "All right,all right, all right, come on."

So I get out of the shower.I dry off real quick.

It's, like, 7:48 now.I'm freaking out.

So I get out of the shower;I'm like,

"All right, that was great."I put my new clothes on.

"I'll get out of your hair.This was a great time."

She goes, "Well,have one more glass of wine."

And I'm like,"You know, Mrs. Fritz,

"you've got people coming over.

This is, uh,you've got the dinner party."

And she goes,"Ahh, it's fine."

So she has another glassof wine poured, and she goes,

"Let me give you the tourof the house before you go."

It's like, "All right, eh."

[laughter]

Yeah, you guys know.

I didn't know what "tour" meant.

So I was like, "All right, sure,I'll take a tour, yeah."

I'm holding my glass of wine.

She was like, "Oh, this chair

"has been in my familyfor a million years.

This lamp is fromthe Byzantine era," whatever,

you know, all this shit,and she's like,

"This painting has beenin my family for years.

Come--get on the couch.Step on the couch."

So we're standing on her couchlooking at this painting,

and, you know, I was like,"Oh, this is nice."

She was like, "Yeah,it's Rembrandt's gay period,"

or whatever, and...staring at this thing,

and we were, like,face-to-face right here,

and she was like,"Yeah, this is,"

you know, blah, blah, blah,and I was like,

"Oh, it's really pretty,"

and then she looks meright in the eye,

and I swear to God she says,"I want you to come in my face."

True story.True story.

Unbelievable, so I go,"Well, I think I can do that."

[laughter]

And so we just start going at iton the floor.

We're making out like crazy.We're rolling around.

We knock over lamps.The cat's hissing.

[hisses]It was just hot.

It was wild!Crazy!

Teacher! Student!Paella!

What a night!

So we're going at itlike animals.

I pick her old ass up,

I throw her on the bed,the whole thing.

Oh, my God.It was wild.

And she pulls some cord; allthe lights go out in the house.

Something happened,so now we're rolling around

in the dark just going at it.

"Ahh," crazy, you know,

this is a 68-year-old womanI'm banging here.

This is wild,so it was just hot and heavy

and great in every wayand all this.

I can feel her earringsdangling around me.

It was unreal.

So we're going at it.We're both naked.

"Ahh," you know,and I remember at one point,

we're probably 45 minutesinto this,

we're going at it, and I was inthe doggy-style position,

and I remember vividly thinking,

"Where the hell'sthat dinner party?"

[laughter]

Ahh, people cancel.Who cares?

Ahh, let's get back to it.

So we're going at it,blah, blah, blah.

Eventually,we got at it for a while.

Then we pass out;we're both wine drunk.

You know, we've had probablynine glasses of wine here.

So we're, you know,we pass out.

I wake up the next morning.The sun is beaming in.

The whole apartment's lit up.

I've got a crazy wine hangover.

And I was like, "Oh, my God.

What the hell happenedlast night?"

That was wild.Oh, man."

I look down; she's kind ofnuzzled right here.

And I go to get up.

I look at the bed--

covered in blood

head to toe.

[laughter]

I mean,this was tons.

It was like a murder scene.

She must have lost tons of iron.This is wild.

I mean,I didn't know what to do,

and, you know, I thought,you know,

at that age,isn't that shit over?

I had no idea, you know, and shewas so nonchalant about it.

She was like, "Oh, weshould have put a towel down."

What are you--that was a fucking tarp.

That's insane.

So I was like, "Oh, my God."

Just the irony here.

I'm coming from the cleanestI've ever been in weeks.

Now I'm covered in uterinelining here, all right?

It was unbelievable.I've got ovaries on my face.

I looked likea fucking Apache here.

I was, like, fucking war paint.

[whooping]

Oh, my God.It was crazy.

But I was like,oh, wow, all right,

well, I guessthis is New York City,

yeah, yeah, so...

so I had--you know, I was still in school.

I had school on Saturdayback then.

So I was like,"I've got to get up.

I've got to go.What, are you crazy?"

And so I, you know,just didn't have time to shower.

I just put my clothes on,

and I remember my underwearwas so gross,

I just put it in my pocket.

I just put my jeans on,yeah,

and put them there,jeans on, shirt on.

I just ran out the door, and shegoes, "Hey, hey, wait a minute.

"Before you go, remember,I'm a fucking teacher.

"You're a student.Don't tell anybody, you weirdo.

We could get in trouble."I'm like, "Of course."

She's like, "I'm serious.This is real stuff here."

I'm like,"Of course, of course."

So I run down to the train,and I get on the train,

and I go to school,

and I immediately gatherevery male at the school,

every single one, you know,student, teacher, janitor,

whatever you are.

I had the goddamn mayorin there.

Yeah, so I gather all of theminto the equipment room.

Everybody's hangingfrom the rafters.

People are sitting on the floor.

Everybody's like,"What's going on, Norman?

What's the big news?What's the word?"

I go,"You're not gonna believe this.

I banged Mrs. Fritz."

And they all go, "Oh, shut up.

"Get out of here.She's, you know, 71.

"What, are you crazy?

You're a liar."

And I go,"You don't believe me, huh?"

I pull out the tighty whities.

Yeah, so they were like,"Oh, my God."

Everybody's hitting each other,going crazy, unbelievable.

It was like that--you knowwhen you have sex with a Greek,

and you put the sheet outon the window?

That was it.

That's--look--Google that.

So yeah.Oh, it was great.

It was like "Sixteen Candles,"but, you know,

with, like,a miscarriage in there.

Yeah, it was unbelievable.

So Monday comes around.

They--they fire Ms. Fritz.

Yeah,but they never told her why,

which is why I did this show.

[laughter]

It's cool.We're Facebook friends.

All right, thank you.Thanks a lot.

[dark electronic music]