Bill Burr - Oprah

  • Season 7 , Ep 2
  • 02/13/2003
  • Views: 29,805

When couples are examined on Oprah, the guys are wrong 90% of the time. (2:25)

I DON'T REALLY LIKE THAT SHOW,BUT MY GIRLFRIEND LIKES IT,

AND I WANT TO GET LAID,SO, YOU KNOW.

NO, NO.YOU PICK YOUR BATTLES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKEABOUT THAT SHOW?

THEY ALWAYS EXAMINERELATIONSHIPS ON THAT SHOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED,

WHENEVER THEY DO THATON THOSE TALK SHOWS,

90% OF THE TIME,THE DUDE IS ALWAYS WRONG.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

TWO PEOPLE;90% OF THE TIME,

GUY'S ALWAYS WRONG.

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE--

THIS WOMAN IS ALWAYS, LIKE,TOTALLY INNOCENT.

LIKE, "I WAS JUSTTRYING TO MAKE HIM

"SOME CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES,

"AND HE DIDN'T THINKTHERE WAS ENOUGH

"CHOCOLATE CHIPSIN THE COOKIES,

"SO HE STARTED BEATING MEWITH THE COOKIE PAN.

IT WAS HORRIBLE."

AND THE GUY'S, LIKE,ALWAYS THE BIGGEST MORON EVER.

LIKE, "WELL, WHAT?I WANTED SOME COOKIES."

NOW, I'M NOT SAYINGGUYS AREN'T JERKS--

I'M A GOOD EXAMPLE OF ONE,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT WOMEN CAN BE JERKS TOO.

THEY SHOULD BALANCE IT OUT.

LIKE, YOU KNOWWHAT GROUP OF WOMEN

I'D LOVE THEM TO DO A SHOW ON

ARE THOSE 24-, 25-YEAR-OLDGORGEOUS WOMEN

WHO WILL GO OUT AND,LIKE, HOOK UP AND MARRY, LIKE,

A 80-YEAR-OLD RICH GUY.

YOU EVER SEEN THEM HANGING OUTWITH, LIKE, HUGH HEFNER,

SOME 70-YEAR-OLD GUYIN HIS PAJAMAS.

NOW, IF THEY WERE JUST HONESTABOUT IT AND WERE LIKE,

"LOOK, THIS GUY IS GONNA DIE IN,LIKE, SEVEN OR EIGHT MINUTES.

I'M GONNA GET A BAG OF CASHAND A LEXUS."

I WOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEMWITH IT,

BUT THEY ALWAYS TRY AND LIEAND BE LIKE,

"NO,I LOVE HIM FOR WHO HE IS.

"IT HAS NOTHINGTO DO WITH THE BIG YACHT.

"THERE'S JUST SOMETHINGABOUT THE WAY

"HE DROOLS IN HIS BATHROBEAS HE PUSHES THE CHECKERS ALONG.

IT'S REALLY ENJOYABLE."

I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE,

"LADY, YOU'RE HUMPING HIMFOR HIS MONEY."

SEE, THAT'S SOMETHINGI COULD NEVER DO, MAN.

IF SOME 80-YEAR-OLD BILLIONAIRE,RICH OLD LADY

CAME WALKING DOWN THE STREET,STARTED, LIKE, HITTING ON ME,

SAYING LIKE,"HEY, THERE, SONNY,"

YOU KNOW,STARTED GRABBING MY ASS.

"OH, YOU'RE PRETTY FIRM.

WHAT, ARE YOU IN THE NAVYOR SOMETHING?"

I'D JUST BE LIKE, "LADY,GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

RIGHT, YOU'RE OLD.YOU'RE GROSS."

YOU KNOW, "I'M SORRY.

"I'M SURE YOU WERE UNBELIEVABLEBACK IN THE '20s

"WHEN YOU WEREDOING THE CHARLESTON,

"MAKING BEER IN YOUR BATHTUB,

"BUT YOU ARE AT LEASTFOUR DECADES BEYOND HUMPABLE.

I'M SORRY."

NO, HOW DO YOU HAVE--I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HOW DO YOU HAVE SEXWITH SOMEBODY

40 OR 50 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU?

I'LL TELL YOU THE ONLY WAYYOU CAN DO IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TO DO?

YOU GOT TO PUT THE WILLON THE HEADBOARD.

[laughter]

NO, SO AT ANY POINT,IF YOU LOSE YOUR NERVE,

YOU JUST CAN READ SOME OFTHE STUFF THAT YOU'RE GETTING.

YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE,"OH, MY GOD.

"THIS IS DISGUISING.

"WHAT IS BECOMING ME?

"OOH, A HOUSE IN MIAMI.

"OKAY, I CAN STICK THIS OUTA LITTLE BIT LONGER.

I GUESS THIS ISN'T AS BADAS I WAS THINKING A SECOND AGO."

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