Uncensored - Greg Fitzsimmons - Zen Master Son

Greg Fitzsimmons: Life on Stage Season 1, Ep 0101 08/18/2013 Views: 11,358

Greg Fitzsimmons wishes that his son could teach him how to live in the moment. (2:39)

I'VE GOT TWO KIDS, AND THEY'REPRETTY SPECIAL.

YOU GET PRETTY PROTECTIVE OFYOUR KIDS.

LIKE, WE HAVE A HARD TIME EVENFINDING A BABYSITTER THAT YOU

REALLY TRUST.

THERE'S WAS A GIRL NAMEDJESSICA, 18, FROM THE

NEIGHBORHOOD, AND THEN I FOUNDOUT FROM MY OTHER NEIGHBOR THAT

EVERY TIME WE WENT OUT, HERBOYFRIEND WAS SNEAKING INTO OUR

HOUSE, AND I DON'T KNOW THISGUY.

I FREAK OUT, SO I PUT ONE OFTHOSE HIDDEN NANNY CAMS IN,

AND I CHECK IT THE NEXT DAY.

SURE ENOUGH, GUY SNEAKS IN.

THEY'RE DRINKING BEER.

THEY'RE FOOLING AROUND ON THECOUCH, LIKE,

THE COUCH MY KIDS PLAY ON.

THEY'RE HAVING SEX.

WELL, BUT I DON'T KNOW IFTHEY'RE HAVING SEX.

IT'S KIND OF DARK AND GRAINY,SO I PUT IN A COUPLE OF THOSE

NIGHTTIME INFRARED CAMERAS, ANDTHEY'RE DEFINITELY HAVING SEX,

AND THAT'S DISTURBING, 'CAUSEWHO KNOWS WHAT KIND OF NASTY

SHIT SHE'S SCREAMING OUT...

SO I PUT IN A COUPLE OF THOSEDIGITAL AUDIO TAPING DEVICES,

AND WHAT A MOUTH ON THIS LITTLEWHORE.

[laughter]UNBELIEVABLE.

AND, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TOFIRE HER.

IT'S A DELICATE AGE.

COULD BE TRAUMATIC.

SO I'M JUST LOGGING THE TAPES...

[laughter]KEEPING AN EYE ON THINGS.

[laughter]YOU CAN CHECK IT OUT AT

MYBABYSITTERLOVESCOCK.COM.

IT'S, LIKE, 50 BUCKS A MONTH,BUT JUST TO SEE WHAT THESE KIDS

ARE DOING...

[laughter]I THINK, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO

LIVE.

LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

THAT'S WHAT KIDS TEACH YOU.

I THINK THAT'S THE MAIN REASONTHAT WE HAVE CHILDREN, IS, THEY

JUST--THEY'RE IN THE MOMENT.

I WAS AT A WISHING WELL WITH MYSON, AND I GIVE HIM A PENNY.

I SAID, "OWEN, YOU TAKE THISPENNY.

YOU THROW IT IN THE WATER.

YOU CAN WISH FOR ANYTHING YOUWANT."

SO HE TAKES THE PENNY, THROWS ITIN THE WATER.

I GO, "WHAT DID YOU WISH FOR?"HE GOES, "TO THROW THE PENNY IN

THE WATER."

HOW DO YOU GET MORE IN THEMOMENT THAN TO WISH FOR WHAT

YOU'RE DOING AT THAT MOMENT?

HE'S LIKE A ZEN MASTER.

I JUST FOLLOW HIM AROUND LIKE,"TEACH ME MORE COOL SHIT, MAN."

"I CAN'T, DADDY.

I CAN'T.

YOU'RE DEAD INSIDE."

[laughter]I GET SAD, THOUGH.

I THINK ABOUT MY KIDS WHEN I'MAWAY.

I'M AWAY A LOT.

YOU KNOW, I JUST--I JUST PICTUREMY SON HOME, LIKE, GOING TO BED.

"MOMMY, WHERE'S DADDY?""HE'S AT THE GREEN BAY CHUCKLE

HUT FOLLOWING HIS DREAM."

[laughter]"BUT DOESN'T HE KNOW IT'S NOT

WORKING OUT?""SHH, GO TO SLEEP, SWEETHEART.

GO TO SLEEP.

BUT DON'T DREAM.

WE'VE GOT ENOUGH GODDAMNDREAMERS IN THIS FAMILY."

[laughter][cheers and applause]