YES!
YES, YES!
THAT'S TOO MUCH.
YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR WITH THIS.
YOU GUYS SOUND LIKE YOU'RE READYTO HAVE FUN TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HERE'S THE DEAL.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'REEMBARRASSED OF YOUR LAUGH.
"I'M NOT GONNA LAUGH IN PUBLIC.I'M EMBARRASSED."
IT'LL NEVER BEAT THE ONE I HEARDIN TULSA, OKLAHOMA.
MAA-HAA!
THAT'S HOW A HUMAN BEINGLAUGHED -- MAA-HAA!
I'M SORRY,IS MY BOAT TOO CLOSE TO SHORE?
BECAUSE WHAT IN THE HELLIS GOING ON WITH YOUR FACE?
THEN HE GOT MAD, RIGHT?
HE GOT MAD BECAUSE I WASMAKING FUN OF HIS LAUGH,
AND HE HECKLED ME, BUT HERE'SHOW HE DID IT -- HE WENT, "BOO!"
WELL, THAT'S THE WRONG ONE,STUPID.
THERE ARE TWO "BOOS,"AND YOU PICKED THE WRONG ONE.
YOU SUCK AT LAUGHINGAND GUESSING.
I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THAT GUY'SHOUSE FOR HALLOWEEN, THOUGH,
WATCH HIM JUMP OUTOF THE BUSHES.
"BOOOOOOO!
BOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"DID I SCARE YOU?"
"NO, BUT NOW WE THINKOUR COSTUMES SUCK. THANKS."
HAD SEX WITH MY WIFEBEFORE I CAME TO NEW YORK.
YEAH.IT WAS PRETTY SWEET.
WE FINISHEDAT THE EXACT SAME TIME,
AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BEREALLY ROMANTIC, YOU KNOW?
BUT I THINK I RUINED IT'CAUSE I YELLED, "JINX!YOU OWE ME A COKE!"
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU GUYS ARE CLAPPING.SHE DIDN'T TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT.
AND I WAS LIKE, "SWEET."
YOU MEAN I CAN GET LAIDAND NOT HAVE PILLOW TALK?
WELL, WINNER, WINNER,CHICKEN DINNER.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I SHOULD WINTHE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE FOR THAT.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
BUT INSTEAD THEY GAVE ITTO MUHAMMAD YUNUS
FOR MICRO-CREDIT?
BORING!
"WELL, I PULLED PEOPLEABOVE THE POVERTY LINE."
I HAD SEX WITH A GIRLAND DIDN'T HAVE TO TALK TO HER!
WE SHOULD AT LEAST GO HALVSIES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I ALSO THINK FAT PEOPLE
SHOULDN'T GET TO USEWHEELCHAIRS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I SHOULD MAYBE TELL YOU GUYSTHAT STARING AT ME
ISN'T GONNA GET METO TAKE IT BACK.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THEY CERTAINLY SHOULDN'TGET TO PARK IN HANDICAP SPOTS.
YOU'RE NOT HANDICAPPED,YOU'RE FAT -- THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THEY SHOULD HAVEFAT PARKING SPOTS,
AND THEY SHOULD BEAT THE BOTTOM OF A HILL
SO YOU HAVE TO WALK UPTO GET TO WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
THESE ARE GOOD IDEAS.I KNOW THAT.
THINK ABOUT THAT MENTALITYFOR A SECOND.
PEOPLE THAT NEED EXERCISETHE MOST IN THIS COUNTRY,
WE GIVE THEM WHEELSAND LET THEM PARK CLOSER.
REALLY? HEY, WHY DON'T YOUGIVE THEM A STICK OF BUTTER
TO EAT ON THE WAY IN, TOO?
HOW ABOUT SOME BUTTER, JACKASS?
AND PEOPLE GET MAD AT ME, LIKE,"YOU'RE NOT IN GREAT SHAPE.
WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHTTO SAY THAT?"
WELL, THIS DOES.LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.
♪ YAH BAH BA-DA-BA-DABA BA BA-DA ♪
WANT TO KNOW WHY I CAN DO THAT?'CAUSE I CAN ALSO DO THIS.
AWW! AWW!
MNH-MNH.
UNH-UNH.
DADDY'S FULL.DADDY LIKES WALKING.
WHILE WE'RE IN THAT VEIN,