Robert Hawkins - All About the Fun

Hawkins, Meneve, Ravin, Kennedy Season 4, Ep 403 01/13/2001 Views: 2,580

Robert wants people to judge him by his jokes, not his face. (5:01)

>> ROBERT: HEY, MAN.

WHAT'S UP?

I STARTED WORKING OUT AGAIN.

EVERYONE AGREE, YOU START SLOWLY

WHEN YOU WORK OUT, BUILD UP?

THAT'S WHY THE FIRST COUPLE OF

MONTHS I DON'T DO ANYTHING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'LL TELL YA SOMETHING.

I FEEL GOOD.

THIS IS WORKING OUT.

A FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME I LOOK

LIKE THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD

WALK INTO A BAR AND PICK A

FIGHT.

NOW, IN THIS BUSINESS, IT'S GOOD

TO KNOW HOW PEOPLE SEE YOU.

IT'S USEFUL INFORMATION.

BUT THE IRONY IS, THAT'S NOT HOW

I FEEL INSIDE.

INSIDE I'M JUST A LOVABLE GUY

WHO WANTS TO TELL G-RATED JOKES,

AMUSE PEOPLE, AND HAVE SOME FUN.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY I DO COMEDY.

IT'S MY WAY OF SAYING,

"HEY, JUDGE ME BY MY JOKES,

NOT MY FACE."

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S ONE: I DISCOVERED

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CUDDLING

AND SNUGGLING.

WHEN YOU HOLD SOMEBODY CLOSE,

YOU'RE CUDDLING.

NOW, TO CROSS OVER TO SNUGGLING,

YOU GOT TO THROW THAT HEAD THING

IN THERE.

HEY, THAT'S ME.

(LAUGHTER)

CUDDLE, SNUGGLE.

HAVE FUN.

THAT'S ME.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YOU GOT TO HAVE FUN.

I ALWAYS CARRY A GUITAR PICK

IN MY CHANGE, SO WHEN I GO TO

THE STORE, ALL THE CASHIERS

THINK I PLAY GUITAR.

HA-HA.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW MUCH?

$1.07?

WELL, I GOT THAT 7.

I GOT THAT 7.

1, 2...

IT'S EASIER THAN LEARNING HOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> AUDIENCE MEMBER: WHOO!

WHO-WHO!

>> ROBERT: I WISH I COULD FIND

SOME OF THOSE BIRDS THAT YOU

PUT ON THE EDGE OF A GLASS,

FROM MY CHILDHOOD.

LITTLE PLASTIC BIRD, WORE A HAT

AND YOU PUT ON THE EDGE OF THE

GLASS AND IT JUST DRANK...

ALL DAY LONG.

AND I CAN'T FIND THEM ANYWHERE.

I FEEL LIKE A REAL IDIOT ASKING

FOR THEM IN A STORE, TOO.

"HEY, MAN.

YOU GOT ANY OF THOSE BIRDS?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

(LAUGHTER)

THEY JUST DRINK ALL DAY.

YOU SURE?

LOOK AGAIN.

MAYBE IN THE BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE

DUCKS?"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

HUH?

WHATEVER.

I'M ABOUT THE FUN.

YOU GOT TO ENJOY YOURSELF.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU JUST

ACT NATURAL, YOU CAN SWIM IN ANY

HOTEL POOL ANYWHERE FOR A HALF

HOUR.

(LAUGHTER)

THE WORLD IS YOURS.

YOU GOT TO BE COOL.

SOMEONE YELLS "MARCO," YOU YELL

"POLO."

GET IN THE GAME.

IF THEY KICK YOU OUT, GRAB YOUR

NEW TOWEL AND LEAVE PEACEFULLY,

NOW.

WE DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE HATE AND

VIOLENCE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I TRY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

AND THEN I GO OUTSIDE.

I GET SO ANGRY.

YOU KNOW WHO I HATE THE MOST?

OTHERS.

(LAUGHTER)

I NARROWED IT DOWN TO THAT

GROUP: EVERYONE BUT ME.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

PEOPLE WHO SMACK AFTER EVERY

SENTENCE.

"WELL, WE DROVE DOWN TO CABO--

(SMACKS)-- AND WE WERE GETTING

SOME GAS-- (SMACKS)-- AND

FREDDIE'S STILL WORKING THERE.

HE BOUGHT ME A CAR FOR MY

BIRTHDAY.

HE'S A GREAT GUY.

(SMACKS)

AND IT STARTED RAINING ON

FRIDAY.

AND WE HAD TO GET A-- (SMACKS)--

WITH A SIDE ORDER OF--

(SMACKING) THEN WE DECIDED--

(SMACKING)...

AND WHAT'S IN YOUR MOUTH?

HMM?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WOULD LOVE TO PULL UP TO A

CROSSWALK, WAVE THE PEOPLE ON,

AND RAM THEM ANYWAY.

THAT WOULD JUST MAKE MY ENTIRE

LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JUST PULL UP TO 'EM.

"HEY, GO AHEAD.

NO.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED.

THAT'S A BAD CALL.

BAD CALL."

(LAUGHTER)

NEXT TIME YOU'RE AT THE STORE

WALKING IN THE FRONT DOOR.

THERE'S SOMEONE BEHIND YOU,

SO YOU HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR

THEM.

THEY CAN GET THROUGH, TOO.

AND THEY WALK BY LIKE IT WAS A

GIVEN, LIKE YOU'RE THEIR PUNK.

REACH IN, GRAB THEM BY THE HAIR,

AND YANK THEM RIGHT BACK OUTSIDE

AGAIN.

"LOOK AT YOU, NOW, CHUMP.

YEAH!"

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"YOU HAD A CHANCE.

GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU'RE NOT SHOPPING, ARE YOU?

HMM.

WEIRD.

YOU GUYS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU LATER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)