Damon Wayans - Hollywood

Lampert, Wood Jr., Leggero, Rannazzisi Season 9, Ep 910 11/11/2005 Views: 9,425

Hollywood changes people. (2:25)

I'M GLAD TO BE OUTTA HOLLYWOOD

'CAUSE HOLLYWOODWILL AFFECT YOU.

I'M SERIOUS. PEOPLE CHANGE IN HOLLYWOOD.

YOU KNOW MY BROTHERS NOW, THEY ALL VEGETARIANS.

- OW!- YEAH.

THEY SAY, HEY MAN, YOU SHOULDN'T EAT HOT SAUCE? IT GOT SODIUM IN IT.

I'M LIKE, WHEN DID YOUSTART READING HOT SAUCE?

[LAUGHTER]

THEY ALL YOU KNOW VEGETARIANS.

AND MY BROTHER'S TRYING TO GET ME TO FAST.

MY BROTHER SAY YOU GOTTA FAST LIKE EVERY,

YOU KNOW, EVERY MONTH SO YOU CAN PURE YOUR SYSTEM.

I'M LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN WE WAS BACK INTHE PROJECTS WE FASTED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY BROTHER KEENAN, HE'S A VEGAN. HE DON'T EAT NOTHIN'.

YOU GO TO HIS HOUSE NOTHIN' LOOKS GOOD.

HE SIT THERE, HE BE EATIN' SLOP.

TALK ABOUT, YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?

I'M LIKE YOU WANT SOME OF THIS,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND HE GOT FIVE KIDSAND ALL OF THEM ARE VEGANS, TOO.

THE SKINNIEST LOOKING HEALTHY KIDS YOU EVER WANNA SEE.

THEY ALL TALL AND BIG HEADED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[High-Pitched Voice] "HI UNCLE DAMON."

HIS OLDEST DAUGHTER'S 17 AND NO SIGN OF TITTIES YET.

SHE NEED A BURGER TO FILL OUT HER ASS OR SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NONE OF THEM EAT SUGAR.NONE OF THE KIDS CAN HAVE SUGAR.

A 'NOW AND LATER'WOULD KILL ONE OF THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

INSTEAD OF EATING SUGAR THEY HAVE THIS STUFF CALLED STAVIA.

IT'S THE SAP FROM THE TREE.

AND THEY ALL GET ONE TO CARRY AROUND IN THEIR POCKET

SO WHEN THEY WANT SOME SWEETENER

THEY PUT TWO DROPS OF THIS ON IT.

I'M LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THESE KIDS?

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD ENOUGHTHE CEREAL THEY EAT, THE-- THE--

THE VEGGIE-O'S DON'T COME WITH A PRIZE IN THE BOX.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE KIDS ARE SO BRAINWASHED BY THIS.

THIS IS WHAT MY NIECE TELLS ME.SHE SAYS,

[High-Pitched Voice] UNCLE DAMON...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WILL YOU TAKE US TO THE PARK,

PLEASE, PLEASE, WITH STAVIA ON TOP?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]