it's official, people.
It's finally happened.
It took 11 long weeks,but it's finally here.
I punched my tenthSubway sandwich card at Subway.
Yes, free sub for T-No tomorrow.
No, no, I'm-I'm just joking.
There obviously won't bea tomorrow,
because today this happened.
JOHN ROBERTS: ...preserve,protect, and defend...
...preserve, protect,and defend...
...the Constitutionof the United States...
...the Constitution ofthe United States...
-...so help me God.-...so help me God.
-Congratulations, Mr. President.-(cheering and applause)
No matter how many timesyou watch that,
I don't thinkyou'll ever get used to it.
It's like seeingyour dad's dick.
like, I knewit was gonna be there,
but it's still upsetting.
One of the main thingsDonald Trump has promised
is that he will drain the swamp.
He said he will drain the swampthat is Washington.
And when you lookat his inauguration crowd
compared to President Obama's,
you can see Trump keptthat promise on day one.
Washington is drained.
Mission accomplished, Trump.
Oh, if you... if you did missthe inauguration
or if you want to sufferone more time,
let's do a quick recap.So, uh, basically, it starts,
uh, just before noonEastern Time.
And here we seePresident-elect Donald Trump
approaching the daisas hellfire spontaneously bursts
from Earth below, um,
followed by members of Congressperforming the traditional wail
of their submissionto the new overlord.
Yes, the peaceful transitionof power.
I'm just joking. I'm joking,guys. Of course. I'm joking.
I mean, it was much worsethan that.
First, obviously, Trump gotsome formalities out of the way.
Chief Justice Roberts,
and people of the world,
Why would he be thanking peopleof the world?
It's not like they votedor participated...
(cheering and applause)
I get it. I get it.
Now, here's the thing,historically--
and not just in America--most functioning presidents
generally try to maketheir inauguration speech
one of unityand positive vision.
And you would hope the 45thpresident would have brought
some of that, but it turns out
hope was the exact wrong thingto have.
America's infrastructurehas fallen
into disrepair and decay.
One by one,the factories shuttered
and left our shores.
Mothers and children trappedin poverty...
...rusted-out factoriesscattered like tombstones
across the landscape...
...and the crime and the gangsand the drugs...
We all bleed the same red blood!
-Ripped...-Robbed our country.
This American carnage
stops right here
and stops right now.
"Um, did anybody have 'carnage,''blood,' and 'decay'
"on their inauguration speechbingo card?
Did anybody have that?Yeah, yeah?"
Is that the first five minutesof a presidency
or a Terminator movie?What the hell is that?
"Blood and decay.
You know, no matterhowfeel about today,
at least we knowhow Trump will remember it.
January 20, 2017
will be remembered as the day
the people became the rulersof this nation again.
(cheering and applause)
Well, actually, I have a feelingJanuary 20, 2017
will be the daytime travelers go back to
to try and save the future.
That's what I thinkwe'll remember it as.
In fact, in fact,
around-around 11:30 today,
part of me was expectingMarty McFly to show up,
like, "Doc, Doc,I'm so glad you're here!
We got to stop him!"
"For the last time, I'm not Doc!
"I'm Bernie Sanders!
Why does this keep happeningto me?"
But-but for many people,the truth is,
today's speech didn't matter.
What really didand what really hit home was,
once the ceremony was over,
and the Trumps were escortingthe Obamas to their helicopter
one final time.
And they flew off into the sky,
directly at Lester Holt.
Look at Lester. He's like,"Are they coming for me?
What's hap..." It'salmost like Obama was flying,
like, "I'm leaving, andI'm taking all the black people
with me. Come on, Lester.Come on."
And while the Obamas tookto the sky,
the Bidens took to the rails.Yes, look at that.
I love that Joe Bidenis just holding one suitcase,
like he's been living outof a single bag
these past eight years.
Of everything that happenedthough,
for me, the person who mostcaptured the feeling of the day
was First Lady Michelle Obama.
It was all over her face, allover her face the whole time.
It started in the morningat the White House,
when Melania gave Michellea gift
that she clearly didn't want.
Clearly did not want.
She just hands it over to Obama.
And look at Obama.Look at him. He's like,
"Uh, just, uh, throwthis anywhere. I'm moving.
It doesn't matter. Yeah.Throw it in the trash."
And-and, by the way, by the way,
in case you're wonderingwhat was inside that box,
it was just a tiny notefrom Melania that said, "Help."
The entire day,Michelle Obama's face
was the barometerfor most of America's feelings.
Look at that face. Look at that.
She's not... Oh, hell no.
Oh, hell no.
Look at that face.
is every emotionrolled into one.
That's like...that's like "Bye, Felicia,"
"Boy, bye," "I'd liketo speak to your manager,"
"I'm so done"all rolled into one.
And you know what?It's not hard to imagine
why Michellewas feeling that way,
because not only did DonaldTrump move into the White House,
but Republicans now controlthe House, the Senate,
32 state legislaturesand 33 state governors.
Today almost felt likethat scene in a Disney movie
where the villaingets the upper hand.
You know that feeling you get?
Like, remember when Mufasa died,and then Scar was the king?
Yeah, I was there that day.
Damn you, Disney!
Because today feelsjust like that.
It feels like a Disney down day
'cause Trump controlseverything, which makes me sad.
But on the other hand...
it also means that...
(cheers and applause)
(imitating Trump):No excuses! No excuses!
None! No excuses!