Judy Gold - Cataracts

  • Season 3 , Ep 15
  • 09/14/2000
  • Views: 1,163

With these sunglasses, Judy's mom looks like Bea Arthur as a welder. (1:29)

MY MOTHER USED TO SAY TO ME,

"WHEN YOU GROW UPAND HAVE KIDS,

I HOPE THE KID TURNS OUTTO BE JUST LIKE YOU."

EVERY DAY I HEARD THIS.

I'M SO AFRAIDTHIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

IT'S MY BIGGEST FEAR, BECAUSEI LOVE TO TORTURE MY MOTHER.

IT'S MY GREATEST--MY GREATEST LOVE, REALLY.

I LOVE TO TORTURE HER.IT'S SO--IT'S SO SATISFYING.

BUT OH, IF YOU WANTTO PISS YOUR MOTHER OFF--

OH, THIS IS GOOD.YOU COULD DO THIS.

'CAUSE--WITH YOUR BOYFRIENDAND THE BALLOONS AND EVERYTHING.

IF YOU WANT TO PISSYOUR MOTHER OFF, DO THIS.

NEXT TIMEYOU'RE DRIVING WITH YOUR MOTHER,

STOP IN FRONTOF THE LOCAL STRIP JOINT,

AND SAY, "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.I JUST HAVE PICK UP MY CHECK."

GET IT?

[laughter and applause]

I DID THAT JOKE IN ATLANTA,AND SOMEONE YELLED OUT,

"WE GET PAID CASH."

[laughter]

OH, I LOVE THE ROAD.

BUT I CAN'T GO OUTWITH MY MOTHER ANYMORE.

SHE'S SO ANNOYING.

LISTEN TO THIS.12 YEARS AGO, IN 1988, OKAY?

12 YEARS AGO, MY MOTHER GETS HERCATARACTS REMOVED--12 YEARS AGO.

SO 12 YEARS AGO,

THE DOCTOR GIVES HERTHESE ENORMOUS SUNGLASSES

TO WEAR TO PROTECT HER EYES

FROM THE SUN FOR FOUR TO SIXWEEKS AFTER THE OPERATION--

12 YEARS AGO.

SHE STILL WEARS THEM.SHE THINKS THEY'RE ATTRACTIVE.

SHE LOOKS LIKE BEA ARTHURAS A WELDER.

I CAN'T EVEN WALKDOWN THE STREET.

IT'S SO ANNOYING.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOINGA WHOLE MUSICAL REVIEW

OF MY MOTHER'S LIFE.

IT'S GOING TO BEON BROADWAY SOON.

IT'S IN PREVIEWS NOW.YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY GO SEE IT.

IT'S CALLED VICTIM VICTORIUM, SO--

[laughter]

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