Lewis Black - Two Clintons

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 12/21/1998
  • Views: 9,978

Which Bill Clinton is real? (2:25)

I DID SOME LSD DURING MY LIFE.

THE REASON I DID LSD WAS BECAUSEIT ALLOWED ME

I THOUGHT, TO HAVE EVERY THOUGHTTHAT WAS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

I THOUGHT AFTER TAKING LSD

I WAS PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING.

WELL, I WASN'T.

BECAUSE I WATCHED THE TESTIMONYOF BILL CLINTON--

FOUR HOURS.

I DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH IT

BUT SINCE THE INTERNATIONALHOUSE OF PANCAKES

IS MY HEALTH CLUB

I SCREWED UP MY BACK.

SO I WAS STUCK AT HOMEHAVING TO LISTEN TO THIS.

NOW, IF YOU DIDN'T WATCH THIS,IT WAS NOT ONLY THE TESTIMONY

OF BILL CLINTON WAS ONONE CHANNEL

BUT ON THE OTHER CHANNEL

HE WAS IN FRONT OF THE U.N.SPEAKING LIVE.

AND I WENT BACK AND FORTH.

AND THERE I TURNED HIM ONAND HE'S DOING HIS TESTIMONY.

AND HE SAYS TO THE LAWYER

"CAN YOU DEFINETHE WORD 'ALONE'?"

HE'S GOT TO KNOW WHATTHE WORD "ALONE" MEANS!

HE'S THE PRESIDENT.

IF HE DOESN'T KNOW WHATTHE WORD "ALONE" MEANS

THAT MEANS THAT HE MAYBE THINKING

THAT THE VOICES IN HIS HEADARE OTHER PEOPLE.

( laughter and applause )

AND THEN I FLIPPED IT BACK

TO HIM STANDING IN FRONTOF THE U.N.

AND THEY'RE ALL GIVING HIMA BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

THEY'RE STANDING UP,"YAY! YAY!

YOU GOT A B.J.!YOU GOT A B.J.!"

AND THEN I FLIPPED BACKAND HE SAID

"COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU MEANBY THE WORD 'IS'?"

JIZZ? NO, "IS."

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE WORD"IS" MEANS!

YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHATTHE WORD "IS" MEANS.

THAT'S THE FIRST WORD.IT'S THE WORD "TO BE."

IT'S WHY HE WENT OUT TO TRYAND GET HIS WINKY WHACKED.

AND I FLIPPED BACK AND HE'SFRONT OF THE U.N. "YAY! YAY!"

AND I FLIPPED BACKAND HE SAID

"NO, I DIDN'T HAVE SEX.

"'CAUSE, YOU SEE,IT'S LIKE THIS--

"IF I PUT A PROPHYLACTICON MY FINGER

"AND PUT IT IN MY EAR

I'M NOT REALLY SCREWINGMY EAR, AM I?"

AND I FLIPPED IT BACK.

AND THERE HE IS,"YAY! YAY!"

AND I'M SITTING THERE

AND I'M GOING,WHICH ONE IS REAL?

AND THEN, JUST BEFOREI PASSED OUT...

I THOUGHT, IF IT WEREN'TFOR MY HORSE...

( laughter and applause )

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