Rory Albanese - Golden Arches

  • Season 14 , Ep 13
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 15,714

When Rory Albanese is overseas he considers a McDonald's restaurant to be American soil. (5:35)

AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN,I SEE THIS LIGHT IN THE DI--

WHAT IS THAT?

YOU KNOW, IS THAT SOME SORTOF EUROPEAN SUNRISE?

IS THAT THE AURORA BOREALIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

THE GOLDEN ARCHES --SHIGUM, SHIGUM --

LIT UP IN RAW NEON,JUST LIKE, "WAA!"

THAT NEON BUZZ, LIKE, "U.S.A.!

WELCOME HOME."

AND WE'RE LIKE,"HELL YEAH," YOU KNOW?

AND WE, LIKE, HIT THAT PLACELIKE A NAVY S.E.A.L. TEAM.

YOU KNOW, I'M LIKE...

I'M LIKE, "WACHOWSKI, GRAB ATABLE THREE CLICKS TO THE RIGHT.

"JOHNSON, YOU'RE ON STRAWS.

"GO, GO, GO!

"I GOT THE FOOD.I GOT THE FOOD," YOU KNOW?

WE'RE ORGANIZED.WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING.

AND I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

I'M BEING A LITTLE BITOBNOXIOUS, YOU KNOW?

I'M ORDERING HAPPY MEALSFOR EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, AT ONE POINT,I'M PRETENDING I'M BRITISH.

I PUT IN, LIKE,A PICKLE MONOCLE.

I'M LIKE, [ British accent ]"'ELLO, I'M A BRITISH PERSON.

"'ELLO, 'ELLO, 'ELLO, 'ELLO.

'ELLO?"

[ Normal voice ]I PUT IN BAD FRENCH-FRY TEETH.

I'M LIKE, [ British accent ]"WINSTON CHURCHILL

IS MY HERO," YOU KNOW?

[ Normal voice ]I DON'T KNOW.

[ British accent ]"BENNY HILL IS THE BEST."

I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH.

BUT I KNOW THIS.I'M ENJOYING MY YOUTH.

THAT'S WHAT I KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW THAT.

AND HOW MANY TIMESDO YOU GET TO --

[ APPLAUSE ]YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M ENJOYING MY YOUTH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND IN THE MIDST --

IN THE MIDST OF THIS JUST JOY,PURE JOY, COMES A GIRL,

AND SHE'S PRETTY,AND SHE'S YOUNG.

AND THIS IS A BIG Mc-- THIS WASAS BIG AS THIS THEATER.

AND FROM ACROSSTHIS GIANT McDONALD'S

COMES A PRETTY YOUNG GIRL.

AND I'M THINKING, "OH, YEAH.

"SHE KNOWS.

SHE KNOWS A CATCHWHEN SHE SEES ONE," YOU KNOW?

"SHE KNOWS WHO TO TAKE HOMETO MOMMY."

COMES OVER TO MY TABLE --I KID YOU NOT --

COMES OVER TO MY TABLE,STOPS,

STANDS OVER ME, AND SAYS THIS --TRUE STORY --

"IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT GIVEAMERICANS A BAD NAME OVERSEAS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH IS PERFECT,'CAUSE NOW COMES THE THIRD THING

I WANT TO DO WHEN I'M DRUNK,WHICH IS FIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'LL PUNCH A GIRLIF I HAVE TO.

I MEAN...IF I HAVE TO.

AND AT FIRST, I DON'T REALLYHEAR IT, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE I'M TRYINGTO GET THE HAMBURGLAR

OUT OF PRISON ON THE MAZE.

"ALL RIGHT, WE CAN DO THIS.

"THE FRY GUYSCAN'T BE EVERYWHERE.

"JUST GOT TO GETTO HAMBURGER PALACE.

JUST THINK.THINK, GOD DAMN IT!"

AND I SAY TO HER,"SAY THAT AGAIN."

I TAKE OUT MY MONOCLEAND MY TEETH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE NOW I WANT TO BERESPECTED.

AND SHE SAYS,"THE WAY YOU'RE ACTING

IS THE REASON EUROPEANSHATE AMERICANS."

AND THIS IS WHAT I SAID --TRUE STORY --

"DO YOU KNOWWHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW?

"BECAUSE YOU'RE IN McDONALD'S.

THIS IS AMERICAN SOIL."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU MIGHT AS WELL BEAT THE [BLEEP] EMBASSY.

"YOU MIGHT AS WELL BEAT THE EMBASSY, SWEETHEART,

"'CAUSE NOBODY TELLS MEHOW TO ACT IN McDONALD'S.

"NOBODY DOES.

"NOBODY DOES.

"I GREW UP AT McDONALD'S.

"I'VE HAD LIKE 22 BIRTHDAYPARTIES AT McDONALD'S, OKAY?

"I JUMPED IN THE BALL PITFULL OF PEE.

"I'VE TAKEN PICTURESWITH GRIMACE

"I DON'T EVEN WANTON THE INTERNET.

"I ATE THE McRIB.

THE McRIB -- I ATE IT!"

I ATE IT! YES.

A DELICIOUS SANDWICH.

AND HERE WAS THE CRAZY PART.

EVERY TIME I ATE THE McRIB,I GO,

"OH, NO, THERE'S BONESIN MY RIB SANDWICH."

TAKE A BITE. NO BONES.

"HOLY [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I WONDERHOW THEY FIGURED IT OUT?

"OH, I KNOW HOW.

THEY'RE AMERICANS.THEY'RE SMART."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I SAID TO HER,

"WHERE WERE YOUWHEN I WAS EATING THE McRIB?"

AND I TOOK A GUESS."CANADA?"

BOOM -- SHE STARTS CRYING.AND I WAS LIKE, "YES!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"THIS IS SUCH A GREAT NIGHT.

I JUST MADE HER CRY."

AND THEN --THIS WAS THE PART WHERE,

YOU KNOW, I SORT OFWASN'T EXPECTING --

WAS HER GIANT BOYFRIEND[CHUCKLES]

WHO CAME ACROSS THE McDONALD'SAND -- AND WAS BIGGER THAN ME,

WHICH I GUESS ISN'T THAT HARD.

AND BASED ON THE NUMBER OF TEETHIN HIS MOUTH,

I'M GUESSING HAD PLAYEDSOME HOCKEY UP THERE IN CANADA.

OR MAYBE HE ATETHE CANADIAN RIB SANDWICH,

WHICH DOES HAVE THE BONES,

BECAUSE THERE'S NO SHOTTHEY CAN PULL THEM OUT.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

AND THEN...HE COMES OVER TO ME,AND I DON'T KNOW.

I KIND OF BLACK OUT HEREFOR LIKE A 10-MINUTE WINDOW.

BUT I'M A DICK.I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

I DON'T SAY NICE THINGS TO HIM.

AND THEN I REMEMBER HIMTHROWING OFF HOCKEY GLOVES,

WHICH WHY IS HE WEARING THEM?

I MAY HAVE ADDED THAT.I DON'T KNOW.

BUT THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

THEN MY SHIRT'S OVER MY HEAD,

AND I'M BEING DRAGGED OUTOF THE McDONALD'S, OKAY?

ON MY WAY OUT, I REALIZE --I SAY, "I HAVE A CHOICE HERE.

"I CAN LOSE THE BATTLEAND THE WAR.

I HAVE A CHOICE, OR I CAN LOSETHE BATTLE AND WIN THE WAR."

AND I SAID,"I'M GOING TO WIN THIS WAR."

AND I GRAB THE DOOR.

AND I GRAB HOLD,AND HE'S PULLING ME.

AND I KNOW I HAVELIKE 10 SECONDS.

AND I'M THINKING -- I'M LOOKINGAT ALL THE FREAKS AND WEIRDOS

IN THE LATE-NIGHT McDONALD'S,AND I'M THINKING --

AND I GO LIKE THIS.

"U.S.A. MOTHER[BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.I DID THAT FOR YOU PEOPLE.

I DID THAT FOR YOU --ALL OF YOU.

EVEN THEM.

YES.

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