Bert Kreischer - Flying Dildos - Uncensored

Adventure 12/02/2016 Views: 3,257

When Bert Kreischer was in his twenties, he backpacked through Europe and had an educational experience at a live sex show in Amsterdam. (15:49)

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- They kept her in a fucking closet?

Are you shitting me?

And they were like, "Yeah, theNazis were looking for her."

I go, "The fucking Nazis werelooking for her?"

[laughter]

"How did they not put thisin the movie?

How did the Nazis not find..."

[babbling incoherently]

[dark electronic music]

- Oh! Ahh!

Ugh! Oh! Ahh!

Augh!

[cheers and applause]

- One of my best friends.

The host of the"Bertcast" podcast.

Please give it up forMr. Bert Kreischer, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah, I am the machine.

[laughter]

I'm nursingone of the worst hangovers

I've ever had in my fucking liferight now.

So cheers to Ari,to Comedy Central.

[cheers and applause]

I don't read a lot.

[laughter]

I'm not--I'm not--I'm not, like,a--I'm smart, but I'm not,

like, a--like...

[laughter]

I'm not good with factsand stuff.

Like, I was talking to someonethe other day,

and I realized I'd alwaysthought Anne Frank

and Helen Kellerwere the same person.

[laughter]

Like, well into my 20s.

[laughter]

Do you know where I found out?

At the Anne Frank house.

Do you have any idea wh--I--I went--okay.

I backpacked through Europe whenI was 22 with these four guys.

Three are lawyers, so I can'tsay their names.

The other one's named Wicho.

And these guys were just fuckingnerds.

The whole time we werebackpacking, they were like,

"You want to go to, like,the Louvre?

"Do you want to see David?

"Do you want--we should take a class

"and learn abouthow they cut diamonds

so when we get engagedwe can have"--

I'm like, "I...

"what the fuck is wrong withyou guys?

"We--we're here to bang Swedishchicks.

That's it. Like, are you out ofyour minds?"

And then one day they're like,"Hey, do you want to go to the

Anne Frank house?"

And I lit up.I was like, "Fuck yes."

And they were like,"Wow, you seem really excited."

And I was like,"No, we'll get a bag of weed,

and we'll laugh our dicks off."

[laughter]

And they're like, "Really?"

I go, "Yeah, I've been hearingjokes about this girl

my whole life."

[laughter]

"We'll get high, put a plungerin the toilet."

[laughs]

And they were like, "What?"

I go, "Do you get to gointo the house?"

And they were like,"Yeah, you can go see the closet

they kept her in," and I go,"They kept her

in a fucking closet?"

[laughter]

Are you shitting me?

And they were like, "Yeah, theNazis were looking for her."

I go, "The fucking Nazis werelooking for her?"

[laughter]

"How did they not put thisin the movie?

How did the Nazis not find..."

[babbling incoherently]

[laughter]

So I get excited.I get a bag of weed.

And I'm like, "I can't wait togo to the Anne Frank house."

[laughter]

I'm, like, beaming,I'm so pumped up.

[laughter]

On our walk to the Anne Frankhouse in Amsterdam,

we pass by a sign that says,

"Live sex. Live sex. Live sex.Flying dildos."

[laughter]

And I'm like, "All right,suck a silent dick, Anne Frank."

[laughter]

"We're going to see flyingdildos."

We can--well, what are you gonnapick, culture

or the Anne Frank house?

I'm going with culture.

[laughter]

So I get us tickets.

We all go in.

Has anybody ever beento a live sex show?

- Whoo.

- One guy in the back.Perfect.

It's aggressive.

It's a lot creepierthan you'd ever think.

See, here's the problemwith a live sex show:

every show you go toelicits a response.

When you come to this show,you know to laugh.

When you go to see music,you get inspired.

But when you go toa live sex show,

the only responseis to creep people out.

Just like,"Oh, maybe I'll get hard."

[low laughter]

So we go in.We sit down.

It's as intimate as this.

And we light a joint, get toknow some of the other fellas,

like-minded gentlemen.

[laughter]

First woman comes up,no fanfare,

no intro music,not even that hot.

She's like a sex show six.

[laughter]

Comes up--she definitely has another job.

Like, trust me.

It's this intimate.

It needs to be ex--we are this close

and she just startsoil-rigging herself.

Just wha--no.

Listen, I'm not biginto foreplay,

but total lack of foreplaylooks a lot like assault, okay?

[laughter]

And she is going to town,

and we're making the same look,just, "Ohh-ohh-ohh,"

which she confuses for,"Oh, I guess they can't see,"

and just goes back to performingher gynecological exam

on herself.

Now, I have a problemwith silence,

so I immediately starttalking to her.

[laughter]

And I'm like,"Do you speak English?"

She's like, "No."

I was like, "Fuck.

Uh, you're doinga really good job."

She was like, "Oh, thank you."

And I go,"Do you do flying dildos?"

And she's like, "No."

And I was like...[sighs] "Great."

Five minutes.Five minutes she does this.

Five minutes,just goes to town on herself.

Just--it gets aggre--by the end,we're like,

now we're learning shitabout the woman's anatomy.

We're like,"That's her urethra I think.

That's amazing."

She gets done.We give her a golf clap.

[laughter]

Two girls come on stage, and,now, if this girl was all song,

no dance,these girls were all dance,

no song.

A lot of foreplay.

You can't walk backwardsin a story.

Like, I had to stop and go,"Ladies, ladies,

"we just watcheda woman fist herself.

"Like, let's cut tothe pink meat, okay?

Like"--they're, like,making out.

And now I'm the spokesman.

Someone's like, "Can you getthem to hurry it up?"

And I'm like, "Sure."

I go, "Do you guys doflying dildos?"

And they're like, "No."

I was like, "Okay.Next."

And they're like, "Huh?"

And we're like,"We're good.

We've seen what you haveto offer."

They leave.Then--

[laughter]

A guy and a girl come out.

Now, this is whereit gets creepy.

I'm not a huge feminist,

but I believein women's rights, okay?

And this guy just startsdoing crowd work.

He's not evenincorporating her in.

It's like an improv teamwhere she sits off to the side,

like, fucking one of JeffDunham's dummies, just...

[laughter]

And he's like,"Aww, you guys"--

this--by the way, this isexactly what it feels like.

I want you to feel it.

"You guys ready to see mefuck, huh?"

[laughter]

"You want to see me fuck thisshit, man?

I fuck it good."

It's creeping me out,and it's assaulting my morals.

[laughter]

And I lean over to my friends,and I go,

"We should have just goneto the Anne Frank house."

[laughter]

Which pisses this guy off.

He goes, "Oh, don't bring upAnne Frank in this room, man."

And I go, "What? Fucking wishI was Anne Frank right now

so I didn't have to see this."

[laughter]

[applause]

And then he startsarguing with me,

but he's arguing with meand getting his dick hard.

Like...

[laughter]

Like, it's such a--like,he's, like, pulling it going,

"Oh, man, don't worry.It gets bigger."

I'm like, "Not on my watchit doesn't."

And I start heckling his dick.

I'm like,"Think about your mom,"

and he's like,"Hey, fuck you, buddy."

I go,"Do you have any sisters?"

He's like, "Hey, not now, man.Not now."

I go, "We should just goto Anne Frank."

And he's like, "Fuck you,"

and he storms off, and now thelunatics are running the asylum,

and I'm their fucking leader.

I'm their--I'm like theirRosa Tubbsman.

Not fucking Rosa Tubbsman.

[laughter]

God damn it.

By the way, I am neitherRosa Parks or Harriet Tubman.

[laughter]

Right--right--

[laughter]

[laughs]

I don't know--right now--right now in heaven,

Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman,Helen Keller,

and Anne Frank are going,"What the fuck is this guy

doing to our names?"

Helen Keller's like...[babbling incoherently]

[laughter]

So I'm their Rosa Tubbsman.

I'm fucking--I'm leading the--

fucking--

if I--if you didn't thinkI was stupid

when I startedthis story...

[laughter]

I'm leading the charge.

And I'm, like, I'm fuckingpulling out old high school

chants, like, "We put our handsup high, our feet down low.

"We want flying dildos.

"Flying dildos.

"Flying dildos.

Hey, fellas.""Yeah?"

"Hey, fellas.""Yeah?"

"We want?""Yeah?"

"Flying dildos, yeah."

They send out some girl to calmus down and we boo her offstage.

We're like,"Get the fuck out, bitch.

"We only want...

"flying dildos!

You heard us."And now--then there's--okay.

Then--let's fucking killthis beer.

[low laughter]

- Whoo!

- Get it, machine.

- I'm hitting it hard as fuck.

[laughter]

Woman comes out, German woman,six feet tall,

thigh-high leather boots,biker's cap, medicine bag,

plops it on the stool, and goes,

"Gentlemen, please, calm down.

I am the flying dildos."

And the placegoes fucking bananas.

It looks like the control roomin NASA when Apollo 13 landed.

Like, "Oh, we did it!

We did it!"

[laughter]

She goes, "Stop, I will need onevolunteer from the audience,"

and these assholes look at melike, "You're up, numbnuts."

[laughter]

I fucking get up onstage,and I am so excited

that I've brought about change.

I feel like I've accomplishedsomething in my life.

I'm literally--look at my constituents like,

"You said you wanted change!"

I--I didn't say that, probably,but I was like, "Fuck"--

whatever I said.

"I'm Rosa Tubbsman!"And--

[laughter]

I don't even realize her puttinga handcuff on me,

and when the second one goes on,I go,

"Hey, maybe we should talk abouthow flying dildos works."

[laughter]

"Like, I feel likeI'm in the dark on this one."

And she does not have, like,happy eyes look on her face

and sweeps me legs in, like,a "Karate Kid" move.

Just...and I land hard.

I land so hard, I knockedthe wind out of myself.

And let me tell you somethingabout--when knocked out of wind,

that's a real fucking noise,just, "Hehhhhh."

It is so real, and real respectsreal.

When you hear that, you're like,"Oh, fuck."

"Hehhhhh."

She tears my pants off me, andmy dick pops out of my boxers

unprepared, gentlemen.

I look at my best friend, Wicho,and I go, "Poke it back in."

He's like,"I will not be doing that."

And then the air is removed outof the room, and I hear some guy

go, "Fucking do it,"and I'm like, "What?"

I look up.

This woman is straddling my facewith a 12-inch black dildo

and Excaliburs it into my mouth.

- No!

- Gentlemen, you havea game-time decision to make.

[laughter]

What do you do in thatsituation?

Do you purse your lips,close your teeth,

and hope to block the shot?

Could lose your front canines.

[laughter]

Or do you acquiesce and open upand let her go yard in your jaw?

[laughter]

I chose the latter.

She went 8 inches into my throatjust...

[gagging]

Now I'm gagging, the wind'sknocked out of me, and my dick's

popping out, I'm wiggling likethe very last unicorn.

[laughter]

And she looks at the guysand says, "Gentlemen, get your

cameras and line up to geta picture with flying dildos."

These turncoats line uplike they're meeting

the fucking queen.

They're like, "Oh, I can'twait," and everyone takes a

picture with me...

[gagging]

The point of my story--the reason I told it to you...

[laughter]

Is if you ever go to Amsterdam,just go to the Anne Frank house.

[laughter]

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

- Wait a second.

First of all,don't leave your shirt--

[laughs]Before you leave.

Second of all, did you evergo to the Anne Frank house?

- Oh, yeah.

So...

I was--[clears throat]

I was a little rattled after thewhole flying dildos experience,

and--but all the guysin the room

thought I wasthe greatest guy ever.

It was like killingin a comedy club,

and I walk out,and they're all--

it's three football playersform UCF,

three French Canadians,a dude from Tennessee,

and a guy from Australia,and my four friends,

and they're like,"We would do anything with you."

And I was like, "Well, I coulduse some cheering up.

Let's go to theAnne Frank house."

[laughter]

So--so--[laughs]

So...

- [laughs]

- So, I, uh...

- That's not a cheering upkind of place.

- It gets so much worse.

- [laughing]Yes.

- So we get highas giraffe pussy

and go into the Anne Frankhouse, and all I'm doing

the whole time is tellingHelen Keller jokes.

I'm like--

I'm, like,leaning up to them going like,

"You know she had a dog, right?"

And they're like, "Really?

How do you know so muchabout Anne Frank?"

I'm like, "He ran away."

And they're like,"He ran away?"

I was like, "Well, you would tooif your name was..."

[babbling incoherently]

We go into the kitchenand I'm like,

"Oh, here's where she burnedher fingers."

And they're like, "What?"

"Yeah, she triedto read her waffle iron."

[laughter]

And this lady in front of usturned--

- [laughs]

- This--mind you,I'm high as fuck.

This lady--

- No one's gonna tell you, like,"That's not the right person."

- Lady turns around and goes,

"Are you makingHelen Keller jokes?"

[laughter]

Ari, Ari,I realized at that moment

that we're not inHelen Keller's house.

[laughter]

We're in the Anne Frank house,

and I don't knowwho the fuck she is.

[laughter]

And these guys see it in my eyesand 12 dudes fall apart

as high as fuckin a Holocaust museum.

[laughter]

And that is the best laughyou can have,

is when you're notsupposed to laugh.

When you're like...

[guttural yelling]

And I'm putting all the piecestogether like,

"Oh, I think I was thinkingof Anne Sullivan."

- [laughing]No.

- Shit.

Oh, yeah, yeah,this is the wrong--

I go,"What happened to this girl?"

And they're like...

[laughter]

- She didn't invent Braille.

- [laughs]

Didn't invent Braille!

- [laughs]

- [sighs]

That's it.

- Yeah.

[laughter]

- Thank you.

- Bert Kreischer.