Myq Kaplan - Case Closed

  • Season 14, Ep 22
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 25,908

Myq Kaplan has trouble distinguishing between anti-drug and pro-military commercials. (3:24)

YOU CAN'T ALL BE JEWS.

MAYBE YOU JUSTLIKE LAUGHING AT JEWS.

THAT'S NICE.

THAT'S SOMETHING WE ALL SHARE,I THINK.

JEWS ARE LIKE, "HA, JEWS!"

EVERYBODY ELSE IS LIKE,"HA HA. JEWS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THIS SHOW'S GOING WAY BETTERTHAN ONE I DID ONCE

WHERE THEY BROUGHT UPALL THE COMEDIANS TO MUSIC

THAT I GUESS THEY THOUGHT WASAPPROPRIATE TO OUR BACKGROUNDS.

LIKE THIS BLACK GENTLEMANWENT ON BEFORE ME,

WAS BROUGHT UP TO HIP-HOP,WHICH IS COOL.

I, BEING JEWISH, BROUGHT UP TO"THE PRICE IS RIGHT" THEME SONG.

AND I FOUND THAT OFFENSIVE,THOUGH NOT INACCURATE.

SO, I HAVE SOME IDEASFOR SOME TV SHOWS NOW.

I DON'T REALLY LIKE THE REALITYSHOWS 'CAUSE THEY'RE BORING.

I WISH THEY WOULD COMBINE SOME.

LIKE I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A SHOW

"KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGSWHEN ANIMALS ATTACK."

I LOVE KIDS GETTING ATTACKED,THAT'S ALL.

BUT THEY DO SAY SOME CUTE THINGSLIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"

AND "WHERE'S MY MOM?WHERE ARE WE GOING?"

AND "CAN I HAVESOME MORE CANDY?"

"NO, BACK IN THE TRUNK."YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

I HAVE A NEW IDEAFOR A GAME SHOW

FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE HIGH,

AND IT'S CALLED "CAN YOUREMEMBER WHAT YOU JUST SAW?"

THAT'S ACTUALLY THE BONUS ROUND.

ROUND ONE IS

"CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT'SIN FRONT OF YOU RIGHT NOW?

"OKAY, YOU GOT IT.WE'RE GONNA TAKE IT AWAY.

WHAT WAS IT?WE WILL NOT ACCEPT 'AWESOME.'"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HAVE YOU GUYSEVER SEEN A COMMERCIAL

AND YOU'RE NOT SURE WHETHERIT'S AN ANTI-DRUG COMMERCIAL

OR A PRO-MILITARY COMMERCIAL?

LIKE, "YOU'RE FLYING!THERE'S A DRAGON!

DON'T DO DRUGS.JOIN THE ARMY."

HUH?

THE ARMY SEEMS LIKEIT IS ON DRUGS.

THAT'S WEIRD.

SOME PEOPLE ARE CONCERNEDABOUT DRUGS.

THEY THINK THEY'LL LEADTO HARDER DRUGS.

IF YOU START WITH MARIJUANA,IT LEADS TO HEROIN.

HERE'S WHY I DON'T THINKTHAT'S TRUE --

'CAUSE THE ARGUMENT IS THIS,

"HEY, LOOK AT ALL THESEHEROIN USERS.

THEY ALL STARTED WITH POT.CASE CLOSED."

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"WHAT ABOUT ALL THESE POT USERS

THAT NEVER GO ONTO HEROIN?"

"OH, OUR CASE WAS CLOSED. WEDID NOT THINK OF THOSE PEOPLE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE IF YOU USETHAT KIND OF LOGIC

IN OTHER SORTSOF PROBLEM SITUATIONS --

LIKE SEXUAL ASSAULTIS A PROBLEM.

LET'S LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK AT ALL THESE RAPISTS.

THEY ALL STARTED WITH KISSING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LET'S GET RID OF KISSING.IT'S THE GATEWAY TO RAPE.

WELCOME TO SAUDI ARABIA,EVERYBODY. HERE WE ARE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS NOT GOING OUT LIVETO SAUDI ARABIA.

DON'T WORRY, EVERYBODY.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

AND I CERTAINLY DON'T MEANTO TRIVIALIZE RAPE IN ANY WAY.

I'M EDUCATED ABOUT IT.

AT MY COLLEGE, ACTUALLY,THE FIRST DAY I GOT THERE,

IN MY DORM, THERE'S A SIGN UP,HAD A PICTURE OF A BEER.

UNDERNEATH IT, IT SAID, "A LOTOF CAMPUS RAPE STARTS HERE."

I WAS LIKE,"I'M MOVING OUT OF THIS DORM.

"I DON'T WANT TO LIVEWHERE THE RAPE STARTS.

NOT AT ALL."

I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS I'M PRETTY GREAT WITH WOMEN,LET'S SAY.

WHY NOT? YOU DON'T KNOW ME.HERE WE ARE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MET THIS GIRL NAMED MEG.

AND I WAS LIKE,"OH, SHORT FOR 'MEGAN'?"

SHE'S LIKE, "NO, 'MARGARET.'"

I WAS LIKE, "OH,I GUESS ALL THE LETTERS IN 'MEG'

ARE SOMEWHERE IN 'MARGARET.'"

ACTUALLY,I SPELL MY NAME M-Y-Q

TO BE, AS I SAY, EFFICIENT,OR, AS OTHERS SAY, "A [BLEEP]"

AND...

I THINK THAT PUTS THE "MOFO"IN "HOMOPHOBIC."

BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY WIN MEOVER WITH THEM AT ALL.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "M-Y-Q?

IS THAT THE NAMEYOU WERE BORN WITH?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL, NOBODY'SBORN WITH A NAME AT ALL.

HA HA!I WIN! I'M ANNOYING!"

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OH.

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