Fred Wolf - The Walls Are Closing In

Season 1 , Ep 0111 02/24/92 Views: 1,567

If it feels like the walls are closing in on you, at least that means they'll hold up the ceiling. (3:03)

YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES.

( laughter )

MY DAD'S IN TOWN WITHHIS MOTHER-- MY GRANDMOTHER--

WHO'S REALLY COOL; SHE'S GREAT.

WHEN SHE WAS LIKE 17 YEARS OLDSHE WON A BEAUTY CONTEST.

SHE RAN LIKE THREE MILESA DAY, JOGGED

SHE SWAM LIKE SEVEN MILES A DAY

AND SHE'S REALLY GOOD SHAPEAND SHE WON A BEAUTY CONTEST.

SHE WAS A REALLYGOOD-LOOKING WOMAN.

NOW SHE'S 93 YEARS OLDAND REALLY LET HERSELF GO.

( laughter )

MY DAD IS BIG OLD HEAVYSETDRUNK WHITE TRASH.

THAT'S MY DAD, BABY.

MY DAD'S BIG OLDWHITE TRASH, MAN.

I LOVE THE GUY, BUT THAT ISSOME WHITE TRASH IDIOT THERE.

THAT'S WHERE I COME FROM.

WHITE TRASH, BABY.

MY DAD'S NOT REAL BRIGHT.

WE GO INTO THIS TROPHY SHOP

BECAUSE MY BASKETBALL TEAMWON SECOND PLACE, BABY.

WE'RE IN THIS TROPHY SHOP

AND THERE'S TROPHIES EVERYWHERE.

SHELVES AND SHELVES OF TROPHIES.

MY DAD LOOKS AROUND AND GOES,"THIS GUY'S REALLY GOOD."

( laughter )

"NO, YOU IDIOT."

MY DAD SAYS, "HOW CAN YOULIVE DOWN THERE

"IN THE PIGSTY OF HOLLYWOOD?

IT'S JUST A PIGSTY HERE,JUST A PIGSTY."

I USED TO LIVE IN A MOTEL--THIS IS TRUE.

FIRST COUPLE YEARSI LIVED DOWN HERE

I LIVED IN A MOTEL.

I WANTED TO SHOW HIMWHERE I USED TO LIVE.

"DAD, I USED TO LIVE THERE."

THEN A GUY COMES OUT BECAUSEA MAID WAS CLEANING THE ROOM.

HE GOES, "HOW YOU DOING?"

I GO, "GOOD, YOU?"

"DOING ALL RIGHT.

CHECK OUT THAT MAID."

I GO, "YEAH, YEAH."

HE GOES, "YEAH, THAT'SAN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, MAN."

HE GOES, "YOU KNOW WHATI WANT TO DO TO THAT WOMAN?"

I GO, "WHAT?"

HE GOES, "I WANT TO TAKETHAT WOMAN IN MY VAN

"DO MY THING,CHOP UP HER IN A CHAIN SAW

PUT HER IN A HEFTY BAGAND BURY HER."

I GO, "THAT IS GROSS."

HE GOES, "WHY,WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?"

( laughter )

I GO, "YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND."

HE GOES, "NO DUH."

( laughter )

YOU EVER THINKWHY CAN'T WE COME TOGETHER?

YOU EVER SIT IN YOUR ROOM

AND THINK, "MAN, IT AIN'TWORKING OUT OUT THERE."

YOU SIT THERE AND YOU GO, "MAN,MY LIFE IS HEADED NOWHERE, MAN."

LIKE TODAY, I WASSITTING IN MY ROOM.

I'M SITTING THERE THINKING,"IT AIN'T WORKING OUT, MAN."

THEN THE WALLS FEEL LIKETHEY'RE COMING IN ON ME.

YOU EVER HAVE THAT HAPPEN?

THE SAME TIME THE WALLSARE COMING IN

IT FEELS LIKETHE CEILING'S DROPPING DOWN

AND THE FLOOR'S COMING UPAT THE SAME TIME.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE

BECAUSE IF THE WALLS CAME IN,THE CEILING COULDN'T DROP DOWN

BECAUSE IT WOULD HOOKON THE WALLS.

SEE, I GOT YOU.

BUT, I GOT ITFIGURED OUT, RIGHT?

WHAT HAPPENS IS THE CEILING HASTHESE TELESCOPING FEATURES.

IT KIND OF COMES IN

AND THAT'S HOW IT COMES DOWNAND GETS YOU.

THAT'S THE WAY...

( piano plays )

( laughter )

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