Mark Viera - Gangster to Another Level

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 08/08/2010
  • Views: 7,816

The scariest sh*t on the planet Earth is your wife with your cell phone bill in her hand. (3:41)

[scattered cheers]

I WANNA KNOWWHERE THE LADIES AT.

BEAUTIFUL LADIES.Y'ALL IN THE HOUSE?

BEAUTIFUL LADIES?[cheers and applause]

[laughing]

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

WHERE ARE THE LATINAS.LATINAS, LATINAS?

ANY LATINAS IN THE HOUSE?

[scattered cheers]

WHOO![laughs] THAT'S GOOD.

[high-pitched] WHOO!

I LOVE WOMEN, I DO.

I THINK Y'ALL ARE ALLHAVE THE ABILITY TO BE CRAZY.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF Y'ALL.

I DO, I DO. LOOK!

FELLAS, PAY ATTENTION!

LOOK AT THEM!

[high pitched]"WHOO! RIGHT HERE.

I'M CRAZY."

HA! THEY TELL YOUTHEY CRAZY!

"RIGHT HERE, I'M CRAZY.WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED?"

[laughs]

I FEEL LIKE I'M--BELIEVE ME,

I FEEL LIKE I KNOW ITBECAUSE I AM MARRIED

TO A CRAZY...WOMAN.

14 YEARS.- WHOO!

- I'M MARRIED TO A LATINAABOUT THIS BIG.

SHE'S SMALL.

BUT I'M GONNA TELLTHE FELLAS IN THE HOUSE.

FELLAS, DON'T EVER JUDGEA WOMAN'S INSANITY BY HER SIZE.

'CAUSE THE LITTLE ONES,THE LITTLE ONES,

THOSE ARE THE ONESYOU GOTTA WATCH!

[high-pitched] WHOO!

[laughs]

MY--LET ME--MY WIFECHECK ALL MY STUFF.

ALL OF IT!

SHE IS ALWAYS ON THE CASE.

MY WIFE USEDTO CHECK MY CELL PHONE.

SHE TOOK HER GANGSTATO ANOTHER LEVEL.

NOW SHE JUSTDOWNLOAD MY BILL.

FE--[laughs]

FELLAS, YOU EVER COME HOMETO A WOMAN

WITH YOUR BILL IN HER HAND?

THAT IS THE SCARIEST [bleep]ON THE PLANET EARTH, AIN'T IT?

YOU COME HOME--I CAME HOME,MY WIFE WAS LIKE THIS.

"COME INSIDE.COME INSIDE.

"CAN--NO, NO, BE--

"NO, WHO THE HELLIS 22 MINUTES?

"WHO THE HELL IS TWEN--

"NO, 'CAUSE YOU COULDONLY TALK TO ME

"FOR FIVE MINUTES, RIGHT?

THEN YOU GOTTA GOALL OF A SUD--"

[laughs]

I DON'T EVEN WANTTO GO IN MY OWN HOUSE!

I JUST PUT MY HEAD IN LIKE,"BUT WHAT HAPPENED?

TELL MEWHAT HAPPENED FIRST."

FELLAS, DON'T EVER SAY "I--"

OH, DON'T EVER SAY,"I DON'T KNOW."

THAT MAKE A WOMANTURN IT UP A NOTCH, DON'T IT?

YOU TELL A WOMAN--AND MEN DO THIS.

WE GET AGGRESSIVE.

FELLAS, THAT'S OUR DEFENSE.

WE GET AGGRESSIVE TO TRYTO THROW THE WOMEN OFF THE SET.

RIGHT, FELLAS?

YOU EVER COME HOME,AND THEY DOING THAT?

AND YOU BE LIKE,"I DON'T KNOW!"

"THAT'S WHY I DON'T WANTTO COME HOME NO MORE!

'CAUSE YOU ALWAYSIN MY FACE WITH THAT!"

AND WE WALK AWAY LIKE, "I HOPESHE BOUGHT THAT [bleep]."

[laughter and applause]

WE WALK AWAY...

IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH A LATINOOR A BLACK WOMAN,

LET YOUR PHONE GO OFFAT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

LET THAT PHONE GO OFFAT 3:00 IN THE MORNING, BOY.

SHE BE IN THE BED WITH YOU!

WITH THE PHONE LIKE,"OH, MY GOD!

"OH, MY GOD!

"OH, YOU BETTER WAKE UP.I SWEA--

"OOH! YOU BETTER WAKE UP,[bleep].

"KNOW WHAT?WAKE UP!

"WAKE YOUR--LISTEN.

WAKE UP. WAKE UP."

"I'M GETTING UP!"

"WAKE IT UP!"

[cheers and applause]

I DONE LOST MY MIC!

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