LaVell Crawford - For Your Safety

Johann, Crawford, Shea, Samberg Season 8, Ep 0811 01/07/2005 Views: 15,135

After 9/11, fat people became the people to pick on at the airports. (1:20)

LaVell Crawford: THANK YOU,

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

I'M JUST GLAD TO BE HERE.

I HAD TO FLY IN.

I'M TIRED OF AIRPORT'S, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW AFTER 9-11,

FAT PEOPLE BEEN THE CHOICE OF

PEOPLE TO PICK ON AT THE

AIRPORT.

I GET UP TO THE TICKET COUNTER

MAN, LADY, EVERYBODY ELSE GET

THEY TICKET, I GET UP THERE

SHE LIKE, "HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH?"

[LAUGHTER]

"F OFF A-ROO.

YOU AIN'T ASK NOBODY ELSE THAT

QUESTION, DID YOU?"

I SAID, SHE SAID, "SIR,

FOR OUR SAFETY AND YOUR SAFETY,

WE NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU

WEIGH."

I SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU PICK ME

UP, WE BOTH FIND OUT."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW THE HELL YOU GONNA ASK ME

THOSE STUPID QUESTIONS,

THEN I GET TO THE SECURITY THEY

GONNA TALK ABOUT, "EXCUSE ME

SIR, COULD YOU TAKE OFF YOUR

SHOES?"

I SAID, "WHO GONNA PUT 'EM

BACK ON?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

THAT'S FOR REAL, 'CAUSE I'M

GONNA HAVE TO UNBUCKLE MY BELT

AND ROLL MY SOCKS DOWN TO TIE

THEM SUCKERS BACK UP!

I SAID, "WHAT YOU NEED MY SHOES

FOR ANYWAY?"

TALKING ABOUT, "WE GOT CHECK

THEM FOR EXPLOSIVES."

I SAID, "AS HEAVY AS I AM,

WOULDN'T YOU THINK I WOULD,

IF I HAD BOMBS IN MY SHOES,

THEY WOULD HAVE WENT OFF BY

NOW!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SOON AS I STOOD UP, KA-BOOM!

ANOTHER PLOT FOILED BY THE

FAT DUDE.

I MEAN PEOPLE KILL ME ABOUT