Uncensored - Extended - Patton Oswalt - Alphas in Florida

Patton Oswalt: Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time Season 1, Ep 101 04/06/2014 Views: 20,280

While walking down the street in Miami, Patton Oswalt witnesses a perfect example of Floridians' aggression. (2:21)

Watch Full Episode

FLORIDA IS A VESTIGIAL SACK.

IT'S AN ANATOMICAL SACK

THAT AMERICA'S TESTOSTERONEAND ANGER DRAINS INTO --

DRAINS INTO.

AND EVERYONE IN FLORIDA --

LIKE, IF YOU GO OUTWITH YOUR FRIENDS,

A GROUP OF YOU,

AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY, NONVERBALLY,YOU JUST ELECT AN ALPHA.

"WHO'S GONNA RUN THINGS TONIGHT?

"WHAT BAR ARE WE GOING TO?WHERE ARE WE GONNA EAT?"

AND YOU'RE HAPPY THATTHERE'S AN ALPHA FOR ONE NIGHT.

"I'M JUST GONNA RELAXAND KICK BACK."

FLORIDA, IT'S ALL ALPHAS.

EVERYONE -- MEN, WOMEN,

BLACK, WHITE, GAY, STRAIGHT,JEWS, AND CUBANS --

THEY'RE ALL ALPHAS.

AND THEY'RE ALL FIGHTINGFOR DOMINANCE.

THEY HAVE TO WIN EVERYTHING,AND IT'S SO UGLY, EVERYTHING.

IT'S JUST -- ALL RIGHT.

ONE DAY I WAS IN MIAMI,

AND I WENT WALKINGUP COLLINS AVENUE

TO LOOK AT THE GORGEOUSOLD ART DECO HOTELS,

'CAUSE I WANTED TO SEE SOMETHINGPRETTY FOR 10 FUCKING MINUTES.

SO, I'M WALKING ALONG,AND WHO COMES DOWN THE SIDEWALK?

THESE TWO WEIGHT-LIFTER DUDES

IN THEIR SHORT SHORTS ANDTHOSE WEIGHT-LIFTER SHIRTS --

LIKE A TOWEL, BASICALLY,THAT IS CUT INTO A SHIRT

SO THE SIDE'S OPEN

♪ SO YOU CAN SEETHE MEAT DISPLAY ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THESE GUYS,THEY'RE JUST LIKE,

♪ ON A PUSSY SAFARI, YEAH

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEY'RE WALKING ALONG,AND THEY LOOK GAYER

THAN THE PICKUP TRUCKFULL OF GAY GUYS

THAT'S CRUISINGALONGSIDE OF THEM,

TWO IN THE CAB,FOUR IN THE BACK,

GOING, "WHOO! YEAH!"

LIKE, JUST HOOTINGAT THESE GUYS.

SO, ONE OF THE WEIGHT-LIFTERDOUCHE BAGS STOPS

AND HE TURNS TO THE PICKUP TRUCK

AND HE GOES,"HEY, WE'RE NOT GAY, ALL RIGHT?"

THEN ONE OF THE GUYS IN THE BACKOF THE PICKUP TRUCK SAYS,

"IT'S STILL AN ASS,MOTHERFUCKER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT...

[ APPLAUSE ]

DID I JUST WITNESSA STRAIGHT HATE CRIME?

[ LAUGHTER ]