Billy Gardell - Healthy Relationships

Gardell, Armisen, Tucker, Houston Season 5, Ep 502 10/12/2001 Views: 12,576

Billy Gardell explains why he prefers East Coast to Los Angeles, shares the secret to his romantic relationship and describes the effect that his fiancee has had on his life. (4:12)

BILLY GARDELL>> HEY, HOW ARE YOU

DOING?

YEAH, ME, TOO.

I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE.

I'M HAPPY TO BE BACK ON

THE EAST COAST.

I LIVE OUT IN LOS ANGELES NOW.

AND, AH--

THAT SUCKS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I MEAN, IT'S RIDICULOUS.

IT IS.

IT IS.

YOU KNOW?

THERE'S NO TOUGH LOVE OUT THERE.

I READ IN THE PAPER THE OTHER

DAY THERE'S A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD

KID SUING HIS DAD AND MOM

FOR THEIR HOUSE.

IF I TOLD MY DAD WHEN I WAS

THIRTEEN I WAS GONNA SUE HIM

FOR HIS HOUSE, I'D WAKE UP

FOUR WEEKS LATER.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST BE IN THE OPERATING ROOM--

I WAS PLAYING WITH MY HOT WHEELS

AND THEN THERE WAS A WHITE

LIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I THINK I COULD WALK AGAIN.

MY MOM HANDED OUT MOST OF THE

BEATING AT OUR HOUSE.

SHE'S IRISH.

SO YOU HAD TO STAY BACK.

YOU NEVER KNEW WHEN THEY WERE

COMING.

LIKE IF SOMETHING BOTHERED HER

HERE AND SHE WAS YELLING ABOUT

SOMETHING OVER HERE AND IT HAD

NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WAS

BOTHERING.

BUT IF YOU DIDN'T MOVE TO THAT

THING, YOU GOT CRACKED.

SHE'D COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM

AND GO "TURN THE TV DOWN.

THE TOILET'S OVERFLOWING!"

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

THAT AIN'T GO NOTHING TO DO

WITH--

KOOSH!

ALL RIGHT!

YOU KNOW WHAT THE LESSON WAS?

MOVE WHEN YOU'RE TOLD.

I'M HAVING A BIG MONTH NEXT

MONTH.

I'M NERVOUS.

NOT ABOUT THIS TV SHOW.

I DON'T CARE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M GETTING MARRIED NEXT MONTH.

DON'T CLAP.

DON'T CLAP.

WHAT DID I DO?

NOTHIN'.

QUIT CLAPPIN'.

WHY DO YOU CLAP?

GOOD FOR YOU.

I'M VERY HAPPY, THOUGH.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

SHE TOLD ME.

SO...

I'M GOOD ON THAT.

I THINK I'M LEARNING THE SECRET,

THOUGH, OF GOOD A RELATIONSHIP.

JUST DON'T ARGUE.

DON'T ARGUE WITH HER.

JUST DON'T--

DON'T ARGUE.

DON'T ARGUE.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WHY DO YOU THINK OLD MEN MUMBLE?

(LAUGHTER)

THEY KNOW.

SHE MOVED IN AND MY LIFE BECAME

MORE RESPONSIBLE.

YOU KNOW?

A WOMAN MOVES IN YOUR HOUSE,

EVERYTHING BECOMES RESPONSIBLE.

THEY PAY THEIR BILLS ON TIME.

A WOMAN WILL PAY A BILL THE DAY

SHE GETS IT.

MY FIANCE--

OH, MY GOD.

JUST PUT THAT RIGHT IN THE MAIL.

THEN YOU SEND IT OFF.

LATER ON WE'LL HAVE CREDIT

APPLICATION.

"WE'RE GONNA NEED TO QUALIFY

FOR A HOME.

THERE'S A BUNCH OF HYPOTHETICAL

(BLEEP) THAT YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT

ABOUT YET."

"WHAT IS THIS CREDIT YOU SPEAK

OF?

I NOT KNOW."

(LAUGHTER)

GROWING UP SINGLE YOU DON'T

THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU GET A BILL, YOU'RE LIKE,

"THAT'S JUST THE BLUE ONE.

WE'RE GONNA GET A PINK ONE

AND A YELLOW ONE.

WHAT DID I SAY?

WHAT DID I SAY?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE HARDEST THING I FIND ABOUT

LIVING WITH MY WOMAN IT'S THE

HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS.

WOMEN LOVE TO GIVE YOU

A POP QUIZ.

THAT'S THEIR FAVORITE THING.

IT'S SOME QUESTION YOU CAN NEVER

ANSWER.

AND IT'S RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO

TO BED.

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE FIRST YOU GOT TO LAY

IN THE BED AND YOU'RE GONNA SAY

"I LOVE YOU" NINE MILLIONS TIMES

BEFORE YOU CAN FINALLY GO TO

SLEEP AND SHUT UP AND GET SOME

SILENCE.

RIGHT?

"YEAH, I LOVE YOU."

"YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO."

"I LOVE YOU."

"YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO."

"WE'LL DO THAT TOMORROW."

"YEAH, ONE MORE THING.

I LOVE YOU."

"YEAH.

OH, YOU FORGOT THAT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT.

WE'LL GET IT AGAIN.

I LOVE YOU."

"OKAY, I LOVE YOU.

"I LOVE YOU."

"I LOVE YOU."

"I LOVE YOU."

AND JUST WHEN IT GETS QUITE...

"HONEY."

"UGH.

WE WERE SO CLOSE."

AND THEN THE DUMBEST QUESTION

IN THE WORLD COMES...

"IF I HAD NO ARMS AND NO LEGS,

WOULD YOU LOVE ME?"

AND THEY DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY

WHEN YOU GO...

"NO WAY IN HELL!"

SO NOW YOU LOOK LIKE A JERK

FOR ANSWERING A HYPOTHETICAL

QUESTION THAT DOESN'T MATTER

WRONG.

SO YOU GOT TO BACK PEDDLE

TO TRY TO FIX IT.

BUT THE FURTHER YOU TRY TO BACK

PEDDLE, THE MORE OF A JERK YOU

LOOK LIKE.

SO YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, I'D STILL

LOVE YA.

I'D GET A BACKPACK AND PUT YOU

IN IT.

AND WE'D GO JOGGING."

GOD BLESS YOU NEW YORK.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)