[cheers and applause]
- When I found outI was battling Scott,
I reached outto his ex-girlfriend
to ask why she cheated on him.
"Is it because he's poor,he's Jersey trash,
"he's boring,he's racist,
"he's homophobic,he's bad in bed,
he's a genuine all-aroundsorry excuse for a human being?"
She said, "No, no.
I just wantedto [bleep] someone funny."
[laughter, cheers, and applause]
[eerie conspiratorial music playing]
[rumbling, glass shattering]
- Really?Really, LA?
I'm--I'm not boring, by the way.
Um, um, all right, nutsack face.
Uh, let's give it up for Alex,everybody.
I am so surprisedhe made it here
since clearly he was pulled
from a clown car fire recently.
- Thank you.- Oh, okay, I [bleep] up.
I [bleep] up.
Okay, it's okay.I [bleep] it up.
- That's okay, Mundane Cook.
- [laughs]Oh, God, he got me.
I shit the bed already.
It's all good, baby, baby.
- Scott's sister is
an adult entertainer.- No.
- Scott is neitherof those things.
[bleep]sucker.You gotta give it to him
when you gotta give it to him.
[car alarm blaring, horn honking]
- Sure, Alex looks likeCarrot Top
if he was drawnby Stephen Hawking.
When Scott was seven,
he watched a man dieat a water park...
- Damn, that's tragic.[bleep]
- But hey, at least that guycould draw a crowd.
[laughter and applause]
Who the [bleep] is this?- Oh, Waldo.
Oh, man.- There he is.
- That's a great detailabout me.
Uh, Alex's mother is here.
If we could get a cameraon the old bitch.
Ma'am, I just have a question.
Is it true that Alex was theugliest part of your divorce?
[helicopter blades whirring]
- Last joke.
- Scott had a twin brotherwho died in the womb.
Scott, you're so bad at comedy,
you don't just walk audiences,
you make them dripdown your mother's leg.
audience: Oh!- Damn.
[dramatic music playing. jackhammer rattling]
- It was very good.
[tires squealing, crash]
Uh, well, I'm gladcamera's are here.
Uh, in conclusion, Alex--
Alex has taken ecstasy.- Many times.
- I'm--I'm sorry.I'm sorry.
No, no, no, I'm sorry.I'm sorry.
He's taken his ex, Stacy.
She has been missingfor three years,
and all leads point to Alex.
Please tell us where Stacy is.
The family deserves answers.
- I took too many drugs.I forget.
- Okay. [bell dinging]
- Yeah!- [grunts]
That's Alex.That's Scott.
That was brilliance.
Battle, battle, battle.
Jeff, what'd you think?
- Love both of these guys.Look at you.
After all that, you'regonna be friends after this.
- Sure, yeah.- It's just for the cameras.
- He called his motheran old bitch.
I doubt that.
- Oh, roastingbrings people together.
That was highly entertaining.
Scott, you had a hard time.
You were on the ropesfrom the beginning,
but you kept swinging.
You came back real nice.- Thank you.
- Alex, I mean,I don't even know what to say.
You're operatingon another level right now.
I been watching youdo these battles
for a couple years now.
You're getting betterand better and better,
and I don't know.I think you could win
this competition, so...- You better
because I need to loseto the winner.
- [laughs][cheers and applause]
- You got my vote, Alex,right out of the gate.
- Eh, [bleep] your mother, Jeff.
- All right, one for Alex.- Thank you.
- Whoo, hi, guys.- Hi, Whitney.
- Uh--hi, hi.I love you both.
I've seen both of you before...- Oh, thank you.
- And, uh--and I feel like this was--
maybe it's 'cause I'm--I'm a girl,
but this one felta little rough for me.
[laughter]Uh, I felt like I was--
These [bleep] assholes.- Rough how?
What do you mean?- I--it was--it felt like
there was a lack of,like, levity in this one.
So I guess I felt likethe jokes were there.
I felt like there wassome performance stuff
where I felt like you guyswere actually mad at each other,
and I--maybe that's justme being hypersensitive,
but I was, like--I feel likeso much of the roast is that
we actually all love each otherand we're all--
we check in with each otherand, like, laugh,
so I felt likeI was missing a little of that,
and then, Scott,you taught everyone
how precise you have to bewith the--
if you [bleep] stutterthe tiniest bit...
- Yeah, yeah.- The best joke in the world--
- It was the last minute.I wasn't gonna use that one
and I used it and I shitthe [bleep] bed, Whit.
- But I see past it and I knowthat was a great joke...
- Thank you.
- And it's happenedto me before,
but I'm stillnot gonna give it to you,
and I'm sorry.- Well, go [bleep] yourself.
- That's the worst thingI could say.
I know, but I--that's not your fault.
It [bleep] happensto the best of everybody.
Alex, uh, great job.
Whatever the [bleep]you're doing.
- Thank you.- Your round, baby.
[cheers and applause]
- Ken.- Okay, anyway, [bleep] you.
- What do you think, Ken?- No, I-I totally agree.
I--actually both of you guysdid amazing.
Scott, to me, to ac--I've never seen someone roast
another person's motherand have the ball--
that is--that ishow you do that.
Yes, you started out slowat the gate,
but you did--but you really just went for it.
- Scott and my mom--- Shut up, bitch!
Jesus Christ, you old [bleep]!- Oh, it's not a roast.
She just hasto shut the [bleep] up.
Oh, okay.- Scott and my mom
have a lot in common.She's incontinent
and his jokes areas strong as his Kegel muscles.
- You won already.Shut up.
Shut the [bleep] up.- But, Alex, I agree.
You're operatingon another level.
- He won.Why's he talking?
- You're confidant.- What the [bleep] is that?
- You're just in--you'rein some sort of [bleep] zone
and everyone loves it
and, yeah, you--you deserve to win tonight.
Great job, Scott.- Absolutely.
- The winner: Alex Hooper!- I--to add to that--