Kristen Schaal - Family Friendly

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 02/05/2010
  • Views: 23,706

Kristen Schaal pretends she has a baby to appeal to audience members with babies and baby dreams. (3:54)

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARDTO IT.

I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGHMY ROSTER

OF FUNNY FACIALEXPRESSIONS, LIKE,

(gasps)

I HAVE FOUR.

(laughter)

BUT I'VE BEEN DRILLING THEM,AND I WANTED TO MAKE SURE

THAT MY ACT WAS FAMILY-FRIENDLYFOR TONIGHT

BUT I DON'T HAVE BABIES,SO I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE

I COULD PRETENDTHAT I HAD BABIES,

AND THAT WAY I COULD APPEALTO THE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

WHO HAVE BABIESAND TO THE PEOPLE

WHO LIKE TO PRETENDTHEY HAVE BABIES.

(laughter)HUH?

LET'S GIVE IT A GO.

SO I'VE GOT THIS BABY...(groans)

(laughter)

AND IT'S JUST BEGGING MEFOR ATTENTION ALL THE TIME.

CAN I GET A WITNESS?

(laughter)

SO LAZY,IT CAN'T EVEN WALK.

GOTTA GET STUFF FOR IT,

AND, UGH,IT IS JUST SO DIFFICULT.

AND I'M TRYING TO DATE,

AND YOU THINK IT WOULD BE EASYFOR A MILF...

(laughter)

BUT IT ISN'T.

AND FINALLY, I DO GET A GUYTO COME HOME WITH ME,

AND I DON'T WANTTO GO BLUE, OKAY,

BUT I WILL SAY THAT WE WEREGOING AROUND SEVERAL BASES.

OKAY, WE WOULD START AT FIRST,AND THEN HE WAS LIKE,

"I WANT TO SKIP OVER TO THIRD."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, BUT WHATHAPPENS ON SECOND?"

I STILL DON'T KNOW.

(laughter)I DON'T KNOW.

BUT WE WERE GOINGFIRST, SECOND,

AND THEN WE WENT RIGHT BACKTO FIRST,

AND THEN WE HUNG OUTIN THE DUGOUT,

AND THEN I LOOK UP,AND THEN THE WHOLE TIME

THIS BABY IS STARING AT US.

IT'S, LIKE,"TAKE A PICTURE, BABY.

IT'LL LAST LONGER."

(laughter)

AND HOW DID YOU GET OUTOF YOUR BABY CAGE...

(laughter)

OR WHATEVERYOU KEEP 'EM IN? UGH!

NOW MY BABY WAS BORNA TWIN SET,

SO I HAD TO EAT THE OTHER ONE.

(laughter)

NATURALLY.

NOW THAT JOKE IS SPECIALBECAUSE THAT IS SPECIFICALLY

FOR ANY PANDA BEARS THAT AREIN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

(laughter)

YEAH.

YOU'RE CUTE,BUT YOU'RE AN ANIMAL.

(laughter)

SO I ALSO PREPARED

SOME CHARACTER WORKFOR TONIGHT,

'CAUSE I JUST WANNA SHOWEVERYONE HOW VERSATILE

I CAN BE AS AN ACTRESS,

SO I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOYTHIS CHARACTER.

(clears throat)

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.DON'T WALK AWAY.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU'RE THINKING,"WHOO, WHAT IS THAT?

"IS THAT A GHOST OR A DONKEYOR A SANDWICH OR WHAT?

(laughter)

"'CAUSE IT CERTAINLYCOULDN'T BE

"A SEXY LIBRARIAN...

(laughter)

COULD IT?"

WELL, THEY DON'T EXIST.

DO THEY?

(laughter)

WELL, GUESS WHAT?THEY DO.

AND I'M RIGHT HERE.

AND I WANNA HELP YOUFIND YOUR BOOK.

(laughter)

OOH,WHERE'S YOUR BOOK?

OH, I JUST--I WANNA FIND IT!

I'M GONNA FIND THAT BOOK!I'M GONNA FIND THE BOOK.

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